A lawyer was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. The rancher suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked the lawyer what he was doing on his property.
Retrieving this duck that I just shot, he replied.
That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it’s mine, replied the rancher.
The lawyer asked the rancher if he knew who he was talking to. No, replied the rancher, I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I am a high priced attorney with a practice in New York. And if you don’t let me get that duck, I can sue you for your ranch, your truck, your cattle, and everything else you own. I’ll leave you penniless on the street.
Well, said the rancher, In Montana the only law we go by is the ‘3 kicks law’.
Never heard of it, said the lawyer.
The rancher said, I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours.
The lawyer thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old guy. Fair enough, he said.
So the rancher kicked the lawyer violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the rancher kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, the lawyer slowly made it back to his feet.
Alright, now it’s my turn, said the lawyer.
Aw, forget it, said the rancher, you can have the duck.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 – Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a freakin jerk.
PISCES (Feb 19 – Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses.
ARIES (Mar 21 – Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
TAURUS (Apr 20 – May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn Communist.
GEMINI (May 21 – Jun 20) You are quick and intelligent and a thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER (Jun 21 – Jul 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a damn.
LEO (Jul 23 – Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.
VIRGO (Aug 23 – Sep 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA (Sep 23 – Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of veneral disease.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 – Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered. SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 – Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting fucked.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 – Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
One day Timmy was on the school bus talking to the bus driver. Timmmy said, If my mommy was an elephant and my daady was and elephant, then I would be a baby elephant. The driver was not amused, he had a severe headache from all the kids. Timmy kept talking, If my mommy was a cat and my daddy was a cat I would be a kitten. The bus driver snapped at Timmy and said, If your mom was a hooker and your dad was a retard what would you be? Timmy looked up at the man and said, I would be a bus driver.
John: "Did you hear the one about the father shoe?"
Sara: "No, what about it?"
John: "It was its familys SOLE support!"
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay, they would be called baygulls!
(baygull-bagel. ha ha ha.)
There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor and asked for his advice. He said that she was going to go on a diet for three days — “Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your diet. Then on the third day, skip.”
So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for the first two days, then she skipped the third day. The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, “How is your diet?” She said, “Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was hard. Doing all that skipping made me tired.”
A newlywed bride and groom had been busy at it for three days straight.
The groom arose early and was reading the paper, thinking it was time to do something else. When his bride woke up, he said, Honey would you like to see Oliver Twist?
His bride replied, You show me one more trick with that thing and Im going home to mother!
Yankee Poodle!
And then theres little Johnny who one night woke up to go the bathroom and passed by his parents door.
Noticing that the door was open a bit, he walked in only to see his mother performing oral sex on his dad.
Upon seeing this, little Johnny walks out and exclaims – Hah!, they got nerve…they sent ME to the doctor for sucking my thumb!
A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesnt get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrots neck.A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the fathers collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."