Old and New Jokes

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and George W. Bush are out walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

I will give each of you one wish. Thats three wishes total, said

the genie.

The Canadian said, Im a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.

With a blink of the genies eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state.

Again, with a blink of the genies eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

George W. Bush, said, Im very curious, please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, Well, its about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out – its virtually impenetrable.

George W. Bush says, Fill it with water.

1. I married Miss Right. I just didnt know her first name was Always.

2. Its not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.

4. A man complaining to a friend: I had it all – money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman … then …pow!…it was.. all gone! What happened? asked the friend. Ahhh my wife found out!

5. Wife: Lets go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery! Martha responds excitedly, Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?! The man responds, I dont care… just so long as youre out of the house by noon!

8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.

9. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

10. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose would you go to lunch or to a movie?

11. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, hes finished.

After WWII, two Poles returned to their destroyed village to locate the first ones wife. Going through the rubble, Victor came across a dismembered arm and called over, Hey, Stanley, wasnt this Anyas arm? I think this is the wristwatch you gave her.

I dunno, Victor, said Stanley, and they continued the search.

A little while later, Victor came across a severed leg.

Stanley, couldnt this be part of Anya? She had great legs. Stanley shrugged and they walked on.

Finally the energetic Victor came across a womans head, which he held out at arms length for his friends inspection.

Nope, said Stanley at last. Anya was a lot taller.

The Golds were never very observant. They would mark Yom Kippur by abstaining from ham–if they remembered. But one thing they always told little Billy was: Make sure you marry a nice Jewish girl. Well, Billy Gold grew up much like mom and dad, and one brought home a lovely fiance, but she was definitely not at all Jewish. Billys mother took him aside and told him: Weve always told you one thing: Marry a nice Jewish girl. Billy, expecting this, triumphantly announces: Dont worry, Mom. Patricia has agreed to convert. But nothing molifies the parents: She is a shiksa and will always be a shiksa. The parents dont want to even come to the wedding: they take a month-long cruise that starts the day before the wedding, and for a month after that, they refuse to talk to Billy. Finally, Billys mother cant resist. She comes and visits Billy, walking in in a huff with her copy of the key. To her amazement, Billy is dressed in black and is pouring over books in Hebrew or Aramaic–Billys mother cant tell. She goes into the kitchen and finds two complete sets of dishes. She cant believe her eyes. Finally she turns to Billy: What happened? Billy answers: Patricia told me I should go back to my tradition. The mother shouts: We always told you not to marry a shiksa!

Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge!

Whats come over you?

2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train.

Doctor Doctor – I feel like a pack of cards!

Ill deal with you later.

Doctor Doctor – I feel like a needle!

I see your point.

Doctor Doctor – I feel like a pair of curtains!

Pull yourself togerther man!

Doctor Doctor – I have 59 seconds to live!

Wait a minute will ya!

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if hes okay. "No, Im not," the guy replies. "I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend." "Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?" "Nothing. Im not speaking to that bitch anymore." "Well, what did you say to your best friend?" "BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.

I want a husband who is decent, God-fearing, well-educated, smart, sincere, respectful, treats me as an equal, has a great body, and has the same interests in life as me. Now I dont think thats too much to ask of a billionaire, do you?

I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

John, you know I cant marry you. You are an accountant. I prefer a man who builds things, who makes things, like an engineer who…makes half-a-million dollars a year…

Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.

Lifes a bitch, and then you marry one.

Life sucks…and then you marry someone who doesnt!

Look the bride in the eye and ask, If Im the best man, how come youre marrying HIM???

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Love is a thousand miles long, but comes in six inch installments.

Love is a word composed of two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.

Love is the dawn of marriage, and marriage is the sunset of love.

Love may conquer everything, but it needs Time as its Field General.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Make love, not war, or do both: get married.

Man and wife make one fool.

Many a wife thinks her husband is the worlds greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

Marital Logic: 1) Marriage is an institution. 2) Marriage is love. 3) Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.

May the bluebird of happiness crap all over your wedding cake.

May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.

May you grow so rich your widows second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.

May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.

May you live as long as long as you want to, and may you want to as long as you live!

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.

May you never leave your marriage alive.

May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife away, your nose always.

May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.

May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.

Often times, minorities are mistreated by the majority, which leads to civil rights abuses, discrimination, and bad jokes.

This is unfair, so minorities have developed a method of defending themselves from the majority … it goes like this:

Were picked on because were different from everyone else.

You shouldnt pick on us because deep down, were the same as everybody else.

But were going to lobby for special treatment to ensure that were different from everyone else…

And when we get it, we can tell everyone else how we are finally accepted as being equal to everyone else.

Unless everyone else complains about being picked on because theyre different from everyone else…

In which case well lobby against them, because they shouldnt be treated different from everybody else, when theyre really the same as everybody else.

And if someone tries to point out that thats what we did, well tell them to go someplace else.

ENGLISH PHRASE———————-CHINESE TRANSLATION

Are you harboring a fugitive?——–Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P.———————-Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man—————————Dum Gai

Small Horse————————–Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high!!————-No Bai Dam Thing!!

Did you go to the beach?————-Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table———Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift———-Chin Tu Fat

Its very dark in here—————Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed?——–Hao Long Wei Ting?

An unauthorized execution————Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet———Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone—————No Pah King

You are not very bright—————Yu So Dum

I got this for free——————-Ai No Pei

I am not guilty———————–Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer———–Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled next week—Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived———————Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight———————Lei Lo

Hes cleaning his automobile———-Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive———–Hu Man Go!

Pew! does this bathroom stink!——–Hu Flung Dung?

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.

He asked her where she was going and she replied, Im going to Las Vegas.

He asked her why she was going.

She told him, I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free.

He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.

His wife said, And just where do you think you are going?

Im going too! he replied.

Why? she asked.

I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!