Old and New Jokes

What is a blondes way of having safe sex?

Locking the car doors!

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed Deepest Sympathy.

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. Oh, its alright. said the storekeeper. Im a businessman and I understand how these things can happen.

But, added the florist, I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party. Well, what did it say? ask the storekeeper. Congratulations on your new location. was the reply.

A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving two of his best friends behind to make it in America. To keep their tradition of nightly drinks alive, every night he goes into an Irish-style pub and orders three pints. The bartender, after a month of this, becomes curious, and asks the man what hes doing. Touched by the story, the bartender has the 3 pints ready for the man every time he comes in. One day, the man tells the bartender to only give him 2 pints.

"My condolences," says the bartender, thinking that one of the mans friends has died.

"No, no," says the man, "theyre both still alive. Ive just quit drinking."

A guy calls home from work and a strange woman answers the phone. The guy says, Who is this? This is the maid, answers the woman. We dont have a maid! I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house. Oh. Well, this is her husband. Is she there? Ummm… shes upstairs in the bedroom with someone whom I just naturally figured was her husband. Hed always suspected, but now he knows. He says to the maid, Listen, would you like to make $50,000? What do I have to do? I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk shes with. $50,000? Really? Yes. The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. What should I do with the bodies? Throw them in the swimming pool! What pool? Uhhh . . . is this 832-4821?

The Latest Report on Windows98: New Error Codes Assigned

Winerr 000 – Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything Winerr 001 – Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly Winerr 002 – Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet) Winerr 003 – RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)? Winerr 004 – Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error Winerr 005 – Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename Winerr 006 – Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash Winerr 007 – Alphanumeric Sequence OS2 Prohibited Winerr 008 – This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy Winerr 009 – Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors Winerr 00A – Non-Microsoft Application Encountered Winerr 00B – Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement Winerr 00C – Windows Loaded Correctly This Time Winerr 00D – User Error; Lemming Not Found Winerr 00E – Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize Winerr 00F – Reserved for Future Coding Errors Winerr 010 – Virus Error – Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead Winerr 011 – Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN Winerr 012 – Cash Underflow – Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated Winerr 013 – Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down Winerr 014 – User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue Winerr 015 – Error Message Deleted Winerr 016 – Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence Winerr 017 – Multitasking Attempted; System Confused Winerr 018 – Network Error – Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations Winerr 019 – Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue Winerr 01A – Insult Detected — Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted Winerr 01B – Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted Winerr 01C – Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That. Winerr 01D – Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota Winerr 01E – Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here Winerr 01F – Error In Progress; Please Wait…. Winerr 020 – Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember Winerr 021 – Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error Winerr 022 – Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything

You might be a redneck if…
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

What do a turtle and a blonde have in common?

When theyre on their back their both fucked!

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.

Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnies schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event – hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.

About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, I cant make the supper. I cant light a fire with the matches you brought.

Sally replied, I dont understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left.

The line in front of the Butcher shop in Warsaw is long,
indeed, and the people grow weary, ever more weary, of the wait.
Eventually an official comes out and announces We are very low
on meat; all Jews must leave the line. So the Jews in the line
quit the queue and head for home, empty-handed.

After some more of a wait the same official reappears
and announces, We are even lower on meat that we thought. All
non-party members must leave the line. So all the non-card-carrying
members standing in line begin heading for home, equally empty-handed.

After some more time the official appears to declare All
Serbs and Croats must leave the line; we havent enough meat for
you. Disappointed, they leave the line and wander off.

Well, you guessed it: a bit later the same official appears
and informs the remaining people Unfortunately we have run out of
meat entirely – you may as well all go home, and disappears back
into the store.

Isnt that just the way it always is, mutters one old man
as he departs. Those damn Jews get all the breaks!

And the Lord spoke to Noah: In six months Im going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

Six months, and it starts to rain, thundered the Lord. Youd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark? A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didnt meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldnt complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming Im trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really dont think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years, Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

You mean youre not going to destroy the earth? Noah asked, hopefully.

Wrong! thundered the Lord. But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.

Whats that? asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:

Government.