Old and New Jokes

An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they ooohed and aaahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

Its free, Peter replied, this is Heaven.

Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, What are the green fees?

Peters reply, This is heaven, you play for free.

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

How much to eat? asked the old man.

Dont you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free! Peter replied.

Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods? the old man asked timidly.

Thats the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.

The old man looked at his wife and said, You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!

Why did God create lesbians?

So feminists wouldnt breed.

Nitroglycerin suppository
My First (and Last) Dr. Kivorkian approved suicide/euthanasia kit
Paper cuts from hate mail
Wine press
Random act of terrorism
Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride)
Clubbed by a baby seal hunter
Exploding gas barbeque
Date with Lorana Bobbit / Tonya Harding
Rusty meat hook
Pulp digester / Saw mill
Sexually transmitted disease
Lethal injestion of bean sprouts and tofu
Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open).
Baney meets the Terminator. Hasta la vista… BARNEY!.
Exploding school bus
Field trip to the Toronto Metro Zoo. Barney loves to spread love and happiness to all of the carnivores.
Childrens Tylenol laced with cyanide
Sacrifice to a tribal god
Fed through a branch/leaf shredder (or office paper shredder)
Trampling by thousands of tiny spongie feet
Asphixiation on a twinkie
Bungee jumping with chord tied around neck
1000 RPM merry-go-round
Building sandcastles in a quicksand box
Dragged behind a schoolbus on a gravel road
Tail caught in elevator doors
Legalization of purple slavery
Home lobotomy kit
Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid (e.g. nitric, chromic, hydroflouric, sulfuric, or hydrochloric)
Add crushed glass to his granola or high fibre cereal.
Thrown in a vat of bleach.
Close encounter with a white supremist.
Sucked into a turbo-prop engine
Submerged into a CANDU reactor
Swarmed by killer bees
Purple parasites
Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel
Chopped up into pet food (Purina Barney chow)
Shintu massage as administered by a sumo wrestler.
Assilimation by the Borg.
Accupunture with a nail gun
Force fed pure sugar and caffeine until he explodes.
Barney meets Mr. Chainsaw
Hit and run at a school crossing
Exploding in an industrial sized microwave oven.
Strapped to a shuttle launch pad..3, 2, 1, ignition!
Strapped to the heat shields of a space shuttle during reentry.
Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens
Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife.
Harpooned by a whaling ship
Dipped in liquid nitrogen, and accidentally pummelled with a baseball bat (guess they found the glass transition temperature).
Served as Thanksgiving dinner
Eaten by the homeless (Barney pate anyone?)
OOPS! Barney shouldnt have soldered that propane tank while full.
Mistaken for a Pinyata
Run over by a zamboni
I love you song triggers avalanche.
Accidentally shoved in front of a subway train.
Nuclear warhead explodes at ground BARNEY.
Scientific experiments on BARNEY sublimation temperature.
Crushed between plates in a fault line.
Blended into McBarney shakes, and pressed into McBarney patties (would you like McFries with that?)
Inquiring minds want to know… What is the tensile strength of Barney?
Used as a crashtest dummy. Listen up boys and girls. This is what can happen to you if you dont wear your seatbelt.
Barney becomes one with Oscar Myer.
Barney used as shark bait.
Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study.
Used in a TV commercial promotion of Ginsu Knives. Even after cutting this tin can, the ginsu knives rip through purple flesh with ease.
Diplomatic mission with Klingons
Deep sea diving in a locked steamer trunk.
Nato air strike.
Live organ donor.
Egyptian mummificaton ritual.
Plummet into an active volcano.
Coated in honey and fed to the fire ants.
Conversion to sugar glazed junk food.
Quiet dinner with Jeffrey Dahmer.
Pilgrimage to the Holy land.
Purple Jonestown reagent.
Visit to the taxidermist.
Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter.
Take him off Prozac.
Forced to watch The Wall video without his happy pills.
100 hours of continuous Black Sabbath.
Give him a lead role in a snuff film.
Tar and feathered by crazed parents.
Spontaneous combustion.
Bludgeoned to purple paste.
Compressed to a singularity.
Bent, folded and mutilated by Canada Post.
Send him to a Bills game dressed as a Miami Dolphin.
The plague
Extruded through microcapilliaries.
Forced to spend a week with Bart Simpson.
Barney goes for a spin on a cyclotron. Too bad about the sudden stop.
Pre-mortum autopsy reveals that Barneys head is full of worms.
Massage with a stun gun.
Heat pastuerization.
Barney stars in an Itchy and Scratchy movie.
Abandoned in a sensory deprivation tank.
Barney meets Elmira (Im gonna hug him and squeeze him to itty bitty pieces.)
Put Barney in an old Star Trek episode, in a RED SHIRT.
Put Barney in a Star Trek Next Generation episode, in a gold shirt.
Make him the drummer of Spinal Tap.
Use him as a zap-o-matic target.
Paint him green & give him to Gallager for his Sledge-o-matic.
Paint him green & give him to David Letterman for a 10 story drop.
Confine him with Marvin the depressed Android (Douglus Adams).
Put a horse collar on him and abandom him on alt.sex.beastiality.
Stick him in a car with Ted Kennedy near a bridge.
Paint Branch Dividian & Proud of it and drop him off at the BATF hq.
Put him on a blind date with Lorena Bobbit AFTER she gets her new set of Ginsu(tm) knives.
Barney scrapple.
Bury him next to Jimmy Hoffa.
Tell Tipper Gore he sings on how to masterbate.
Recreate the Challenger accident woth Barney playing substitute teacher.
Use Barney as a test subject for exotic new nerve gases.

Instructions for the guys:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert Card

3. Enter PIN

4. Take cash, card and receipt

5. Drive away

Instructions for the Gals:

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Back up and pull forward to get closer

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Get out of car because youre too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in purse

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it

9. Enter PIN

10. Study instructions

11. Hit CANCEL

12. Re-enter correct PIN

13. Check balance

14. Look for envelope

15. Look in purse for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Endorse checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look for keys

24. Start car

25. Check makeup

26. Start pulling away

27. Stop

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car

30. Take card and receipt

31. Get back in car

32. Put card in wallet

33. Put receipt in checkbook

34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook

36. Check makeup

37. Put car in reverse

38. Put car in drive

39. Drive away from machine

40. Drive 3 miles

41. Release parking brake

You let the pit bull finish.

A man is crawling around on the sidewalk on his hands and knees, holding one ear to the ground. Another man comes along and asks what hes doing.

Get down here and listen, the first one says, so the second one gets down and puts his ear to the cement.

I dont hear anything, he says.

I know it, says the first man, and its been like that all day.

Your mom is so fat, that I knew her all my life, and I still havent seen all of her!

I just got Shatner to autograph my tush!
I think youre right, the hot chicks hang out at the X-Files convention.
OK, a Vulcan, a Betazoid and a Klingon walk into a bar …
But Ma — you said I could have my own phaser when I turned 40!
Oh darn, James Doohan is stuck in the door again.
OK, men, set your phasers on zit-removal, and lets go get us some chicks.
Not to boast, but I played the unnamed, red-shirted security guy in the
landing party killed in episodes 4, 7, 15 and 29.
No, really, Fibercon IS better than Metamucil.
Wow! Two girls! Thats twice as many as we had at the 20th-anniversary
convention!
Live long and purchase.

Man: Havent I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, thats why I dont go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and Ill go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: Im a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, whats your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, Id die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, Id probably die laughing.

The following came through a long sequence of forwardings, but managed to
retain an attribution:
Kathy Dysert
kdysert@pacific.net

Heres something that came to my husband with some other information.

AND HERE IS SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:

Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute assuming he
averages about 30 minutes a game.

Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, hell be making $178,100 a day
(working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see Independence Day, itll cost him $7.00, but hell make
$18,550 while hes there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, hell make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)

Hell make $3,710 while watching each episode of Seinfeld.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a
whole 12 days.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

Hell probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

He could take 1/100,000th of his income and buy some poor college student
5200 packages of Ramen.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax
deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such
accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, youd be
living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

Hell make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run,

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy
Chicago restaurant, hell pull in about $5600.

Next year, hell make more than twice as much as all of our past
presidents for all of their terms combined.

And something to cheer you up after all of this… Jordan will only have
to have this income for 270 more years to have a net worth equivalent to
that of Bill Gates.