And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: In six months Im going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark. And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
OK, said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
Six months, and it starts to rain, thundered the Lord. Youd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time. And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. Noah, shouted the Lord, where is my Ark? A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah. Lord, please forgive me! begged Noah. I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didnt meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldnt let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They o
On 29th June 1994, the Sheffield Star newspaper (UK) carried a report of a full-scale bomb alert in the city.
A housewife had called the police after a parcel delivered to her home had started to buzz. The army bomb disposal team were called from a nearby base, and an expert, protected by blast-proof clothing, prepared to disarm the device.
When the package was opened, a mail-order vibrator, whose batteries had activated of their own accord, was revealed in all its glory.
According to the Star, the embarrassed woman has not been named by the police
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didnt want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldnt give him a ticket
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didnt have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, You might as well take my ass to jail, cause theres no way in hell I can pass
that test.
They take the psycho path.
The Positive Orgasm: Oh yes, Ohh yesss, OH YESSSS!
The Negative Orgasm: Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH NOOO!
The Spiritual Orgasm: Oh god, Ohh goddd, OH GODDD!
The Fake Orgasm: Oh Richard, Ohh richard,Oh Reeeechaaaaard!!!!
The Indian Classical Orgasm : Nahi Nahiiii Nahii….
The Rock N Roll Orgasm : O Baby, O baby…. O baby
The Heavy Metal Orgasm : Cmmon Honey, Go Johnny,Yeah Baby, Deeper Honey, Comin baby, EEEEaaahh, EEyyyeEAAh, Yeeeaah..
The Instrumental Orgasm : Ooonnnh, OooOOONNNNh, eeeEEEeAAAAaoOOhh
The Alternative Orgasm : O Shit O Fuck OShiiit O Fuck OooohShhhhhiiit…
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded:
My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, Its gonna be great!
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldnt get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who cant, teach.
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasnt quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasnt sure whether it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, I know I have the product. Im just not sure how to position it.
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was — God I miss him!
So now I have married a lawyer, so I know Im going to get screwed!
(DISCLAIMER: I am a Christian; my point is thus obviously not to blast the
Church. I just found these very amusing.)
A man was praying to God. He said, God!? God responded, Yes? And the guy said, Can I ask a question? Go right ahead, God said.
God, what is a million years to you? God said, A million years to me is only a second. Hmmm, the man wondered. Then he asked, God, what is a million dollars worth to you? God said, A million dollars to me is as a penny.
So the man said, God, can I have a penny? And God cheerfully said, Sure!!…..just a second.
Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: Disneyland Left.
So they went home.
Level I:
Your guests are conversing quietly, nibbling at their hors doerves, and sipping their drinks. Later, some of the gather by the piano to sing Christmas carols while others admire the ornaments on your tree.
Level II:
Your guests are talking loudly, wolfing hors doerves, and drinking from the bottles. Some people gather by the piano to sing I Gotta Be Me while others begin rearranging your Christmas ornaments.
Level III:
Your guests are arguing wildly among themselves, those that havent passed out from the upside-down margaritas. One person is singing I Cant Get No Satisfaction, which can barely be heard over the sound of breaking ornaments. A small group of guests begin placing hors doerves in the piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.
Level IV:
Your guests, hors doerves smeared over their naked bodies, are performing a ritualistic dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
In general, you want to keep your party around Level III, unless you rent your home, have insurance, and are carrying firearms. The quickest way to get to Level III is egg-nog.