Old and New Jokes

This one was in a recent Readers Digest.

Two salesmen are traveling in the country when their car breaks down.
The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the
door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and
the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend
the night in the guest bedrooms. ZZZZZZZ

In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.

About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and cant believe
what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:

When we spent the night at the widows mansion, did you sneak away into her
bedroom in the middle of the night?

Why, yes I did.

And did you use my name?

Why, yes how did you know?

Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!

* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.

* If you wish to know The Way, dont ask for directions. Argue. Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

* Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. Youll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

* There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

* Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

* To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

* Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

* Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

* If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

* Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

* The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

* Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

* The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

* Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

* To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

* Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

* Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes

Whats the difference between light and hard???

You can go to sleep with the light on!!!

Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?

A: A thought.

Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to Arkansas with a pig under each arm. A secret serviceman greeted him.
"Nice pigs, sir!"
"Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs — theyre Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."
"Nice trade, sir!"

When a woman gets married, she wants the 3 Ss: sensitivity, sincerity, and sharing. What does she get?

The 3 Bs: burps, body odor, and beer breath.

PCMCIA – People Cant Memorise Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN – It Still Does Nothing

APPLE – Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI – System Cant See It

DOS – Defunct Operating System

BASIC – Bills Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM – I Blame Microsoft

DEC – Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM – Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 – Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW – World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH – Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

LOTUS – Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious.

Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. Throw away a hundred dollar bill – now. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. Go to McDonalds and insist on paying $

8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as its in a snowstorm and youre following an 18 wheeler. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. Slam your thumb in a car door. Dont go see a doctor. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until its time for the real thing.

Bill and Hillary were taking stroll outside the White House gates one morning and came upon a little boy trying to give away a litter of puppies. When Hillary remarked about how cute they were, the little boy said,Yes, maam, they are. Theyre democrats. Hillary thought this was so sweet that she told the boy if he still had one left by the weekend, she would be glad take one of them home. The boy agreed and Bill and Hillary walked on. So comes the weekend and Bill and Hillary are again strolling in front of the White House and notice the little boy with the puppies. Hillary walks up and greets the young man, who has two puppies left. She fawns over both of them and the boy remarks this time, Only two left maam, and theyre both republicans. Hillary quickly sneered and said, But the other day, you said they were democrats. The boy replied, Well, yes maam, but since then, theyve opened their eyes.

The Origin of Chapstick

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

Howdy, stranger…

Howdy, Sheriff…

The cowboy then moved slowly to then back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun dont shine. He dropped the horses tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

Hold on, Mister…

Sheriff?

Did I just see what I think I just saw?

Reckon you did, Sheriff…I got me some powerful chapped lips…

And that cures them? Nope, but it keeps me from lickin em!