Old and New Jokes

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, Stop! Acts 2:38!

(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.

Scripture? replied the burglar. She said she had an ax and two 38s!

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 6 shots of Jack Daniels.

The bartender asks Whats the occasion.

The guy says Its my first blowjob.

The bartender says Well if thats the case the 7th is on us.

The guy says If that wont get the taste out nothing will.

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which theyd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, I wouldnt eat that if I were you.

Why not?

I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.

When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car into a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri. When he got out to clean the car, it floated away.

Police were able to retrieve the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an officer on the scene, no action would be taken against the driver because you cant ticket a guy for being stupid …

Little miss muffet… sat on her tuffet… eating her kurds and way.

Along came a spider, who sat down beside her, and said: hey, whats

in the bowl bitch?!

A golden retriever.

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or…!" Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.
"Give me a Budweiser, or…!"
"O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender.
"A small Coke."

Bhola as you know, is a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.

Finally, Bhola decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldnt happen again.

He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself. So, one day, on the way home from work Bhola took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued.

The next afternoon Bhola went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip. His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.

Well, explained Bhola, I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgets his watch. He searchs for someone who could give him the time.

He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. Excuse me sir, says the young man do you know what time it is?

The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.

Mmmmm, it is about 3:00 the zoo keeper responds.

The young man looks at him in awe, How did you know that? The zoo keeper looks back at the man, I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you.

In the beginning, God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and
spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the
99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, You want
fries with that?

And Man said, Super size them. And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her
figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, Try my crispy fresh salad.

And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and
olive oil with which to cook them.

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed
its own platter.

And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the
roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose
those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man
would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained pounds.

And God said, Youre running up the score, Devil.

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in
fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour
cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips
swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, It is good.

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.