The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. Hes met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An R! They left out the R”.God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "Its the letter R… the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE"
A young girl was having a tooth pulled and the dentist tells her the usual B.S. This wont hurt at all routine before bending over her with the pliers in his hand. He instantly drops the pliers in total panic. Miss, he said in a weak whimper, Your grabbing my groin! Yes Doctor, I know she smiled, and we arent going to hurt each other, are we?
One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight,
Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other.
The deaf policeman heard the noise, and came and shot those two dead boys.
If you dont believe this joke is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too!
During the Popes recent visit to the US, there was a woman interviewed on the news who is associated with a group that is fighting to have the curch allow women to become priests.
At one point she said: There are church officials who tell us that women cannot become priests because there were no women at the Last Supper. I would have to respond: Who do you think cooked the food? Who served? And who cleaned up afterward?
A: She has a check book.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
A pigs orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
A whales penis is called a dork.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has
about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the
twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realise
what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise
it will digest itself.
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon
features with both parents that are present and dont die throughout the movie.
Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
To escape the grip of a crocodiles jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs
– it will let you go instantly.
Reindeer like to eat bananas.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and
purple.
The word samba means to rub navels together.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II
killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
A jiffy is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog
throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then
the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomachs contents and then
swallows the stomach back down again.
Every time you lick a stamp, youre consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
It was this little girls first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was.
She replied, Happy Butt.
The teacher said, Honey I dont think thats your name. You need to go to the principals office and get this straightened out.
So she went to the principals office and he asked, Whats your name?
And the little girl said, Happy Butt.
The principal called the girls mother to get this straightened out once and for all.
After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt.
The girl then exclaimed, Glad Ass, Happy Butt, whats the difference?
A beautiful woman boarded a jet and took a seat in the first class section. The flight attendant checked her ticket and said Youre in the wrong section. This ticket is for coach. Youll have to move.
The woman replied, Im blond, Im beautiful and Im going to Miami.
The attendant called for the captain who checked her ticket and also told her she had to move and again she replied, Im blond, Im beautiful and Im going to Miami.
After some thought, the captain whispered into her ear and the woman got up and moved back to coach.
Captain, what did you say to get her to move? asked the flight attendant.
Captain replied, I told her that the first class section doesnt land in Miami.
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him shell see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, Who was that??!!
Oh replies the husband, that was my mistress. Thats it, says the wife, I want a divorce.
Ok, replies her husband, but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours.
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. Who is that woman with Jim? she asks.
Thats his mistress, replies her husband. Ours is much better looking. says the wife.
The salesman got home late in the evening. For not waking his wife up, he takes his clothes off without turning on the light.
Just as he is about to get into bed, his wife asks him: Will you, please, go to the drug store and get me some aspirin? I have such a headache, I cant sleep. And, please, dont turn on the light, itll get worse.
So, in the dark, he dresses and goes to the drug store in the neighbourhood. There, he meets one of his friends who says: Hi, I didnt know you were a postman.