A lady walks into a bar and says, Barkeep, gimme a martooni. The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, Barkeep, gimme another martooni. So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesnt say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says, Would you like another? She says, Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn.
The bartender says, Okay, there are three things wrong here:
Number 1: Its martini, not martooni.
Number 2: Its bartender, not barkeep, and
Number 3: Youre not having heartburn, your boobs in the ash tray.
31
Dec
31
Dec
Turkey 1- So what are you having for Thanksgiving?Turkey 2- I heard my owner say were having turkey!
31
Dec
Yo mama is like a pool table. 50 cents and shell rack your balls.
31
Dec
One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you dont hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.
31
Dec
Three old friends were sitting about one afternoon just chatting and chatting.
After several hours one of them said, Goodness, Ive been sitting so long I dare say my behind has gone to sleep.
Her friends looked at each other and one of them said, We know, we could hear it snoring.
31
Dec
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
Ive never been better! he boasted. Ive got an eighteen year old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.
The doctor continued, So he was in the woods and suddently a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.
And do you know what happened? the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, No.
The doctor continued, The bear dropped dead in front of him!
Thats impossible! exclaimed the old man. Someone else must have shot that bear!
Thats kind of what Im getting at … replied the doctor.
31
Dec
A telephone rings in a Brooklyn apartment and the lady of the house answers. Huh-lowww, she says in a very nasally drawn-out accent.
Through the receiver comes several seconds of heavy breathing. Finally a husky mans voice on the other end says, Im going to lick every inch of your body until you quiver. Then Im going to run my hands all over every curve of your body and make you ache for me. Youre going to beg me not to stop. Youll want me to touch you in places youve never been touched before, and then you will want me so badly you will rip the clothes from your body as you scream for me to take you. Ill have my way with you and you will LIKE it!!
The woman is silent for a moment and quizzically asks the caller, You can get all that from hello?
www
31
Dec
Q: Why dont blondes talk when having sex?
A1: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.
A2: Their mothers told them not with there mouths full.
31
Dec
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, Daddy, what is sex?
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the birds and the bees. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, Why did you ask this question?
The little girl replied, Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.
31
Dec
Every once in a awhile, this couple would tell their 2 children, Scott (the older one) and Andrew that they were going to go upstairs for a bit(to do their little freaky thing).
One day Scott got curious to what they were doing up there, so the next time they said that they were going to go upstairs he very cautiously followed them.
He peeked in through the crack in the door and whispered, Hey Andrew, come look at this. Guess what the woman who told us never to suck our thumbs is sucking?!