Old and New Jokes

A married guy was out getting a little strange stuff when he suffered a
massive heart attack and died…

The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying Your
late husband died with a tremendous erection that we cant get to go away…
What would you like us to do?

To which she replied, Somehow, that doesnt surprise me… Cut it off and
stuff it in his ass.

When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained expression on
her deceased husbands face as he lay in the casket… Bending over him she
said softly, Hurts, doesnt it?

A dipper and a gora are sitting beside each other on a plane. It was a long flight to India so the gora said:Lets play a game. The dipper said sure. The gora said lets play I spy. The dipper said sure. The gora started. He said I spy with my little eye something black. The dipper said suitcase? He was right. Then he said I spy with my little eye something that starts with the letter B. The gora looked hard for about ten minutes. Then finally he gave up .He said what was it. The dipper said look stupid gora bindow!

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.

Wheres Henry? one of his campmates asked.

Henry had a stroke of some kind. Hes a couple of miles back up the trail.

You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!

A tough call, nodded the hunter, but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

Louise, he moaned, Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?

Even worse, she assured him in her most scornful tone. You made a complete ass of yourself.

You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face.

Hes an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!

You did. All over his suit, Louise informed him. And he fired you.

Well, screw him, said John.

I did, said Louise, Youre back at work on Monday.

You might be a redneck if…
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: In six months Im going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark. And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
OK, said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
Six months, and it starts to rain, thundered the Lord. Youd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time. And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. Noah, shouted the Lord, where is my Ark? A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah. Lord, please forgive me! begged Noah. I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didnt meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldnt let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They o

On 29th June 1994, the Sheffield Star newspaper (UK) carried a report of a full-scale bomb alert in the city.

A housewife had called the police after a parcel delivered to her home had started to buzz. The army bomb disposal team were called from a nearby base, and an expert, protected by blast-proof clothing, prepared to disarm the device.

When the package was opened, a mail-order vibrator, whose batteries had activated of their own accord, was revealed in all its glory.

According to the Star, the embarrassed woman has not been named by the police

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didnt want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldnt give him a ticket
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didnt have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, You might as well take my ass to jail, cause theres no way in hell I can pass
that test.

They take the psycho path.

The Positive Orgasm: Oh yes, Ohh yesss, OH YESSSS!

The Negative Orgasm: Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH NOOO!

The Spiritual Orgasm: Oh god, Ohh goddd, OH GODDD!

The Fake Orgasm: Oh Richard, Ohh richard,Oh Reeeechaaaaard!!!!

The Indian Classical Orgasm : Nahi Nahiiii Nahii….

The Rock N Roll Orgasm : O Baby, O baby…. O baby

The Heavy Metal Orgasm : Cmmon Honey, Go Johnny,Yeah Baby, Deeper Honey, Comin baby, EEEEaaahh, EEyyyeEAAh, Yeeeaah..

The Instrumental Orgasm : Ooonnnh, OooOOONNNNh, eeeEEEeAAAAaoOOhh

The Alternative Orgasm : O Shit O Fuck OShiiit O Fuck OooohShhhhhiiit…