Happiness is defined as opening your refrigerator to find your mother-in-laws picture on the milk carton.

An American Indian goes into the general store and says, Me need toilet paper. The proprietor replies I have SuperSoft at $6 for four rolls, or I have No-name at $4 for four rolls.

The Indian decides Me take No-name. Two weeks later, the Indian returns to the store. He says, Me have name for No-name toilet paper.

What is it? the owner asks. John Wayne, says the Indian. Why John Wayne? the owner asks. Because it rough, tough, and take no shit off Indian.

Heard this morning at 6:57 AM on radio station KKUP, Cupertino, CA:

Host: Well, do you have any concluding statements, Marshall?

Guest: No, I dont, Larry.

Host: Then could you say something to last about three minutes?

A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him oral sex when the phone rings.

The husband answers it, to find out is his mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.

He says, She cannot talk rrright now, she as a frog in ze thrrrought.

Stalin is dying, and summons Comrade Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his
last few words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, Comrade, the reins
of the country are now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you
some advice.

Yes, yes, Great Leader, what is it? says Khruschev.

Reaching under his pillow, Stalin produces two envelopes marked 1 and 2.
Take these letters, he tells Khruschev. Keep them safely–dont open
them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things start going badly, open
the first one. Thatll give you some advice on what to do. And, even after
that, if things start going REALLY badly, open the second one. And with a
gasp Stalin breathed his last.

Well, Khruschev succeeded him, and sure enough, within a few years things
started going badly–unemployment increased, crops failed, people became
restless. Nikita decided it was time to open the first letter. All it said
was: Blame everything on me! So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization
campaign, and blamed Josef for all the excesses and purges and ills of the
present system, and bought himself some time that way.

But things continued on the downslide–Kennedy successfully rebuffed Soviet
missiles in Cuba, unemployment increased even more, crops failed even more,
the Politburo was unhappy with Khruschevs leadership and upstarts like
Brezhnev and Gromyko were threatening his credibility. So finally, after
much deliberation, Nikita opened the second letter.

All it said was: Write two letters.

Father: If I had ten oranges and gave you two, how many would I have left?

Son: I dont know, because in school we learn on apples.

Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?

A: Divorced.

I was out walking with my then 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. Why?Because its been lying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs. At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, Wow! How do you know all this stuff?Uh, I was thinking quickly, …all moms knows this stuff. Um, its on The Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they dont let you be a Mommy.We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. OH…I get it! she beamed, So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy.

I received this bulletin today and thought I should pass it on in time to save everyone the embarrassment of making passe, partisan holiday plan faux pas.

RE: Chrismukah

Subject: UNEXPECTED MERGER

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, were told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens.

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.

This is Pet Appreciation Week, a time to do something special for your pet, something theyll really appreciate, like:

Lick your dog in the face.
Bring your cat a dead bird.
Get your dog a bone and bury it for him.
Make a concerted effort to learn to purr.
Eat supper on the floor.
Spend quality time with your pet rolling around in something really awful.

From Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy