A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, I have to take your temperature.

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

No, Im sorry, the nurse stated, but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer. This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the mans doctor came into the room.

Whats going on here? asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, Whats the matter, Doc? Havent you ever seen someone having his temperature taken?

After a pause, the doctor confessed, Well, no. I guess I havent. Not with a carnation, anyway.

Got this one from my sisters boyfriend, Cajan accordionist extrordinaire,
after he sold me his banjo:

Whats the difference between a runover skunk and a runover banjo player?

The skunk was on its way to a gig.

Dear God,

Make me less intense.

I know you well, in fact i know you more than you know yourself.

So do as I say, or you know whats going to happen..

A 90 year old man shows up for a physical. He tells the doctor he is about to marry a 20 year old girl.

Really? said the doctor. Youre healthy enough, I suppose, but take my advice. If you want a happy marriage, you should take in a boarder. Do you know what I mean?

The old man says, OK, doc. Ill think about it.

Six months later, the doctor sees the old man on the street. He asks him how his new marriage is working out.

Great doc! In fact, my wife is pregnant.

The doctor nods knowlingly and says, So you took my advice and took in a boarder?

The old man winked and said, Yep. And shes pregnant too!

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.
Show the lady your finest mink! the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier goes up to the guy and discreetly whispers,

Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.

No problem! Ill write you a check!

Very good, sir. says the shop owner. Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: How dare you show your face in here?! There wasnt a single penny in your checking account!!

I just had to come by, grinned the guy, to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!

Saying Make it so in casual conversation.
Indignation because the periodic table doesnt include dilithium and tritanium.
Ability to use variable phase inverter in a sentence without excessive thought first.
More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer.
Have figured out the stardate system.
Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra.
Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol.
The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams.
Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and The Omega Glory.
Memorization of the crews authorization codes.
Forgetting that present-day elevators dont have voice interface.
Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments.
Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint.
Understanding Klingon.
Lecturing a science professor on how transporters work.
Playing fizzbin and understanding it.
The Outrageous Okona seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics.
Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in Star Trek: The Motion Picture.
More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers.
You spend all your free time playing on the IRC #startrek channel, like a giant geek.

Our library has so many books they had to put it in a multi-story building.

I knew a prisoner who crowded his roommates terribly by building a huge aquarium in their room. It was just plain cell-fish of him!

Smoke dynamite… itll really blow your mind.

Scientists report that dieters lost brain cells as well as body weight.

Its a case of think or slim.

My camera is broken. But, I wont have a negative attitude – Ill take it to the repair shop and see what develops. People think I broke it but the crime isnt so black and white. Ah, I get the picture – Im being framed!

A vampire walks into a bar, and asks for a Large glass of A-positive blood. The bartender looks him square in the eyes, and says Im sorry, but we dont serve your type here!

Did you hear about the guy who gave narcotics to seagulls?

He left no tern unstoned.

If you shake up a can of beer, and spill it on your stove, do you get foam on the range?

My cat got stolen. I think it was taken by a purr snatcher.

Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because Im blonde, mummy?
Mum replies: yes dear

Day 2:
We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because Im blonde, mummy?
Mum replies: yes dear

Day 3:
We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and Im a 36DD. Is it because Im blonde, mummy?
Mum replies: No dear, its because your 25.

yo mamma so fat wehn god said let their be ligt he told her to move

How Does a Sardar Cheat the Railways??

He buys the ticket but doesnt travel !!!!!!!!