Heard this on an Atlanta radio station:

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:

1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!

2nd: Youre kidding! I cant even manage to do it once! Whats your secret?

1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. Im not kidding!

So the second old man rushed to the store.

Clerk: May I help you?

Old man: Yes, Id like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.

Clerk: Thats a lot of bread! Its sure to get hard before youre done!

Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?

Knowledge without insight is like a horse in the library.

If Teddy Roosevelt were alive today, he probably would have said, Walk softly and carry an Uzi. Sadly, well never know. –Lev L. Spiro

Change is not made without inconvenience, even from worse to better. –Richard Hooker

A great way for to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much. –Frank Varano

Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.

Brookes Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Some people reach the top of the ladder of success only to find it is leaning against the wrong wall.

Flons Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.

Its easy to identify people who cant count to ten. Theyre in front of you in the supermarket express lane. –June Henderson

Preudhommes Law of Window Cleaning: Its on the other side.

Be careful of your thoughts: They may become words at any moment.

There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. –Mark Twain

If youre not part of the solution, youre part of the precipitate.

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. –Josh Billings

Love is sentimental measles.

Put your Nose to the Grindstone! –Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.

New Years Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. –Websters Unafraid Dictionary

We learn from experience. A man never wakes up his second baby just to see it smile. –Grace Williams

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. –Rev. Larry Lorenzoni

The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.

In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. –Winston Curchill, of Montgomery

May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.

Heaven goes by favor, if it went by merit, you would stay out, and your dog would go in. –Mark Twain

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldnt have said.

We really dont have any enemies. Its just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.

If youre going to do something tonight that youll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. –Henny Youngman

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, Weve been waiting a long time for you.

What do you mean, he replied, Im only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?

45? Youre not 45, youre 82, replied the angel.

Wait a minute. If you think Im 82 then you have the wrong guy. Im only 45. I can show you my birth certificate.

Hold on. Let me go check, said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82…

You might be a redneck if…
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.

What do JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common?
Theyre both cute as hell and cant fly!

Roses are red, violets are blue, I once thought I was ugly, until I saw you!

Just because you have one doesnt mean you have to act like one!

Baptists: only trouble is, they dont hold them under long enough.

A mans got to do what a mans got to do. A woman must do what he cant.

Mens brains are like the prison system – not enough cells.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

You have a right to your opinions. I just dont want to hear them.

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adams ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter?

Little Johnny responded, I have a pain in my side. I think Im going to have a wife.

I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldnt concentrate. You know, same old boring rind over and over again.I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldnt hack it, so they gave me the axe.I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasnt suited for it. It was a sew-sew job.I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldnt cut it.I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didnt have the thyme.I used to be a deli worker, but I couldnt cut the mustard.I used to be a musician, but I wasnt noteworthy.I used to be a dentist, but I couldnt stand living hand-to-mouth.I used to be a hydroelectric-plant operator, but I got tired of the whole dammed thing.I used to be a math teacher, but I had too many problems.I used to be a teacher, until I found out I had no class.I used to be a doctor, but I didnt have the patients.

Check out these actual written excuses from parents, excerpted from the Sept/Oct 1996 issue of Campus Life:

Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. She fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.

(I sure hope she finds it before the prom!)

Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

(I hate those lo-o-o-ng winter months!)

Chris will not be in school today because he has an acre in his side.

(Wow! Talk about growing pains!)

My son is under the doctors care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.

(Ouch!)

Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his fathers fault.

(Blame it on Dad!)

Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels.

(But I hear his consonants are doing just fine!)

George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

(I suppose he had some vowels too, but I guess theyre OK!)

Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

(Thanks a lot, Mom!)

Hello. Tech Support; may I help you? Yes, well, Im having trouble with WordPerfect.

What sort of trouble? Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

Went away? They disappeared.

Hmm. So what does your screen look like now? Nothing.

Nothing? Its blank; it wont accept anything when I type.

Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out? How do I tell?

[Uh-oh. Well, lets give it a try anyway.] Can you see the C: prompt on the screen? Whats a sea-prompt?

[Uh-huh, thought so. Lets try a different tack.] Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen? There isnt any cursor: I told you, it wont accept anything I type.

[Ah–at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/hes kicked out his/her monitors power plug?]

Does your monitor have a power indicator? Whats a monitor?

Its the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when its on? I dont know.

Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that? [sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] Yes, I think so.

Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall. [pause] Yes, it is.

[Hmm. Well, thats interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I dont want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I dont know what kind of monitor s/he has and its bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

No.

Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable. [muffled] Okay, here it is.

Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back of your computer. [still muffled] I cant reach.

Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is? [clear again] No.

Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over? Oh, its not because I dont have the right angle–its because its dark.

Dark? Yes–the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Well, turn on the office light then. I cant.

No? Why not? Because theres a power outage.

A power–!?! …[AAAAAAARGH!]A power outage? Aha! Okay, weve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in? Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Really? Is it that bad? Yes, Im afraid it is.

Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

Tell them youre TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!