Knock Knock Whos there? Ida Ida who? Ida know.
31
Dec
31
Dec
Some lessons learned in life:
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be meetings.
There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.
People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.
No matter what happens… somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Never lick a steak knife.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think shes pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
31
Dec
Pauly and Maury are out drinking one night when Maury turns to his pal and says, You know, I dont know what else to do. Whenever I go home after weve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to my street. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house; I sneak up the stairs; I get undressed in the dark, but my wife wakes up and I catch hell for staying out so late!
Pauly looks at him and says, Well, youre obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, You as horny as I am? … and she always acts like shes sound asleep!
31
Dec
How much do pirates pay to get their ears pierced?
A Buccaneer!
31
Dec
Everyone thought God created man before woman. That is not true. In fact he created woman first, but with three boobs
God: So now that you are here how do you feel about yourself? Eve: Well to be honest I feel alright, however I dont think I need this center boob.
God: We can correct that. There now how do you feel? Eve: I feel great!
(Looking at her hand…)
Woman: Excuse me God? God: Yes Woman: Now what do I do with this usless boob?
***POOF*** Man was created.
31
Dec
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.One lady says, You know, Im getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldnt remember whether I had justcome up or was about to go down.
The second lady says, You think thats bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldnt remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!
The third lady smiles smugly. Well, my memorys just as good as itsalways been, knock wood. She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, Whos there?
31
Dec
[Ed: There are lots of these around. These ones are probably a bit lesser
known.]
Eugene dAlbert (noted German composer) was married six times.
At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said
politely, Congratulations, Herr dAlbert; you have rarely introduced me
to so charming a wife.
During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a
buffet luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a
second helping, he asked politely, May I have some breast?
Mr. Churchill, replied the hostess, in this country we ask
for white meat or dark meat. Churchill apologized profusely.
The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid
from her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: I would be most
obliged if you would pin this on your white meat.
Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde
stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. If
this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners, he remarked, she
doesnt deserve to have any.
James McNeill Whistlers (painter of Whistlers Mother)
failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to
remark in later life, If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a
major general.
(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed,
complained, Only one man ever understood me. He fell silent for a
while and then added, And he didnt understand me.
Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
pointed out of the car window and said, That is the most frightening
sight I have ever seen. His companion was surprised to see nothing
more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
on the childs shoulder. Run, little boy, cried Hitchcock, leaning
out of the car. Run for your life!
Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular
story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
roused by his wife crying, Wake up! I think there are burglars in the
house.
No, no, my dear, said the president sleepily, in the Senate
maybe, but not in the House.
Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
unanswered. Eventually the form for the next years return arrived. In
the section marked DEDUCTIONS, Rogers listed: Bad debt, US Government
— $40,000.
Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked
her what disguise she would recommend for him. She said, Why dont you
come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?
Phillip Garding
31
Dec
Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.
Cuz the cat had pounced on him
and tore him apart-
Ate his mousey intestines
And chewed up his heart.
Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
which made him take pause-
He stopped daintily licking
the blood from his claws.
Must be Santa thought Kitty
(that quite clever cat)
Cuz nobody else climbs down
the chimney like that.
Indeed it was ol Santa,
so jolly and fat
With a load of presents
and all for the cat!
Wow, the best Christmas ever!
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
and shed some more fur.
(Thanks to IrisMist)
31
Dec
You are a redneck,if your prom date is your brother, or if you got to the prom in your fathers pick-up truck!
31
Dec
The Vatican has finally bowed to the pressure from American clergy for reform.
A new policy approved by the Pope will soon be announced, accordingto a reliable source who spoke on condition of annonymity.
The American nuns will henceforth be permitted to go on a date but they must take a vow to wear Cross Your Heart Bra and No Nonsense Pantyhose.