Old and New Jokes

Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed. They were the only people who survived. They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make weapons and see if he could kill anything.

So the next morning the first man went out. He didnt come back till about noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the deer back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he killed it.

He said I find tracks…I follow tracks…I kill deer.

So the next morning the second guy set out. He too came back at noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the buffalo he had killed back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he had killed it.

He said I find tracks…I follow tracks…I kill buffalo.

The next morning the third guy went out. The other two were watching and watching for him. When it was almost sundown and he still hadnt returned they started getting worried. Then they saw a person stumbling towards them he looked awful, really bad cuts and a broken arm. They went and helped him to the fire they had made and asked him what had happened.

He said I find tracks…I follow tracks…and…I got hit by a train.

A Catholic priest was manning a confession booth for several hours and wanted relief. He asked his friend the rabbi to fill in for him. When the rabbi said he had no experience, he asked the rabbi to stay with him in the booth and observe what he did. The rabbi obliged.


A man confessed that he committed adultery 3 times. The priest told him to say 2 hail marys and put $5 in the box. Next, a woman told the priest he committed adultery times. The priest repeated his instructions. The rabbi then said he knew what to do and could take over.


Afterwards, a different woman came around and confessed to the rabbi that she committed adultery. The rabbi asked how many times. The woman said she did it once. The rabbi responded:


Do it 2 more times. Were having a special. Three for five dollars.

I got this from a friend, Jared Callison. Not sure where he found it…

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered
assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking
for a small-ish dog for company.

The clerk explained that the name of the store was Exotic Pets and
that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace
pets.

He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal.

He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and
pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.

Would that suit your needs? he asked.

The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an
amphibian would be a suitable companion.

Ah, replied the salesman, leering, but this amphibian has been
carefully trained … to perform oral sex upon women.

At this the womans eyes lit up. She eagerly negotiated a price of $500
for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home,
she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in
anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and
arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the
frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.

Nothing happened.

She prodded the frog.

Still nothing.

She moved it up further toward her body.

Nothing.

She ordered it to perform.

No response.

After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the
pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been
cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said
hed be right over.

Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing
a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by
disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place.

The frog made no movement.

You see? she asked, petulantly.

Yes, I do, said the man.

Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he
said, Now, Im only going to show you this one more time…

Heard this on an Atlanta radio station:

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:

1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!

2nd: Youre kidding! I cant even manage to do it once! Whats your secret?

1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. Im not kidding!

So the second old man rushed to the store.

Clerk: May I help you?

Old man: Yes, Id like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.

Clerk: Thats a lot of bread! Its sure to get hard before youre done!

Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, Weve been waiting a long time for you.

What do you mean, he replied, Im only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?

45? Youre not 45, youre 82, replied the angel.

Wait a minute. If you think Im 82 then you have the wrong guy. Im only 45. I can show you my birth certificate.

Hold on. Let me go check, said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82…

Knowledge without insight is like a horse in the library.

If Teddy Roosevelt were alive today, he probably would have said, Walk softly and carry an Uzi. Sadly, well never know. –Lev L. Spiro

Change is not made without inconvenience, even from worse to better. –Richard Hooker

A great way for to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much. –Frank Varano

Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.

Brookes Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Some people reach the top of the ladder of success only to find it is leaning against the wrong wall.

Flons Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.

Its easy to identify people who cant count to ten. Theyre in front of you in the supermarket express lane. –June Henderson

Preudhommes Law of Window Cleaning: Its on the other side.

Be careful of your thoughts: They may become words at any moment.

There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. –Mark Twain

If youre not part of the solution, youre part of the precipitate.

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. –Josh Billings

Love is sentimental measles.

Put your Nose to the Grindstone! –Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.

New Years Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. –Websters Unafraid Dictionary

We learn from experience. A man never wakes up his second baby just to see it smile. –Grace Williams

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. –Rev. Larry Lorenzoni

The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.

In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. –Winston Curchill, of Montgomery

May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.

Heaven goes by favor, if it went by merit, you would stay out, and your dog would go in. –Mark Twain

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldnt have said.

We really dont have any enemies. Its just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.

If youre going to do something tonight that youll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. –Henny Youngman

You might be a redneck if…
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.

What do JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common?
Theyre both cute as hell and cant fly!

Roses are red, violets are blue, I once thought I was ugly, until I saw you!

Just because you have one doesnt mean you have to act like one!

Baptists: only trouble is, they dont hold them under long enough.

A mans got to do what a mans got to do. A woman must do what he cant.

Mens brains are like the prison system – not enough cells.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

You have a right to your opinions. I just dont want to hear them.

I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldnt concentrate. You know, same old boring rind over and over again.I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldnt hack it, so they gave me the axe.I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasnt suited for it. It was a sew-sew job.I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldnt cut it.I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didnt have the thyme.I used to be a deli worker, but I couldnt cut the mustard.I used to be a musician, but I wasnt noteworthy.I used to be a dentist, but I couldnt stand living hand-to-mouth.I used to be a hydroelectric-plant operator, but I got tired of the whole dammed thing.I used to be a math teacher, but I had too many problems.I used to be a teacher, until I found out I had no class.I used to be a doctor, but I didnt have the patients.