A young man was driving along in his van, and spotted an attractive woman, hitch-hiking. He stopped to pick her up. It is beyond me, how such things come about, but they ended up in the back of the van.

Have you got a whip? Asked the woman. He had not.

Havent you got anything you could use instead? He thought for a while, went outside, and fetched the radio aerial. This proved quite adequate, and the had a good time.

A couple of weeks later, the man developed an nasty rash around his genitals. After scratching for a while, he eventually went to his doctor, who examined him, but was at a loss to account for it.

Havent you done anything, recently, which could have caused it? He asked, whereupon, our hero told him, with some embarrassment, about his adventure with the hitch-hiker.

In that case, said the doctor, its perfectly clear you have a nasty dose of van aerial disease!

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, Its dark in here, isnt it?

Yes it is, the man replies.

You wanna buy a baseball? the little boy asks.

No thanks, the man replies.

I think you do want to buy a baseball, the little extortionist continues.

OK. How much? the man replies after considering the position he was in.

Twenty-five dollars, the little boy replies.

TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! the man repeats. Thats awful expensive, but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

Its dark in here, isnt it? the boy starts off.

Yes it is, replies the man.

Wanna buy a baseball glove? the little boy asks.

OK. How much? the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.

Fifty dollars, the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boys father says, Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and well play some catch.

I cant. I sold them, replies the little boy.

How much did you get for them? asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

Seventy-five dollars, the little boy says.

SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! Thats thievery! Im taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,

the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says Its dark in here, isnt it?

Dont you start that crap in here, the priest says.

Your momma so fat…she fell in love and broke it.

Your momma so fat…shes on both sides of the family tree.

Your momma so fat she broke the family tree.

Pregnancy humor which I lifted from Joyce Armors 1989 book The Dictionary According to Mommy.

afterpainsa chance to relive the highlights of your labor.
amnesiathe condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
anestheticthe painkiller that crazy women refuse during labor.
bladderthe only part of Mommy that Baby flattens like a pancake during the last few weeks of pregnancy.
constipationNatures way of making pregnant women practice pushing.
due-datewhat only seems light-years away.
eating for twoa nice way to say pigging out.
false laborall stressed up and nowhere to go.
forcepsgiant baby tweezers.
hard labora redundancy, like working mother.
hospitalthe last place Mommy will get to rest until the next time she gives birth.
impregnablea woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
labor coachthe person who reminds you to breathe during labor.
misconceptiona pregnancy that begins while using birth control.
modestywhat women in labor soon get over.
morning sicknessan opportunity to see if the inside of your toilet bowl is really clean.
natural gasyet another nagging symptom of pregnancy.
paradoxtwo obstetricians.
poetic justicewhen your friend who had a pleasant pregnancy and easy delibery has a colicky baby.
preconceiveto get pregnant before you intended to.
ultrasoundthe noise a crying baby makes.
unconscioushow youd like to be throughout your next pregnancy.
uterusthe tiny organ that stretches during pregnancy to the size of the Superdome.

Insert…
Remove…
Repeat…

A Polak was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositiories. A week later the Pole complained to the doctor that they didnt produce the desired results.

Have you been taking them regulary? the doctor asked.

What do you think Ive been doing, the Pole said, Shoving them up my ass?

There was a boy riding on his bike outside a church.

The priest saw him and told him to come into the church and the boy said,…But theyll steal my bike.

The priest explained how the Holy Spirit would take care of it, so they went inside.

The priest showed the boy how to make the sign of the cross and told the boy to repeat it…In the name of the Father, The Son…Amen

The priest said,What about the Holy Spirit?

The boy replied, Its outside taking care of my bike!

One day in the University of Wisconsin health center, two college girls are in for a check up. The doctor asks the first one to remove all of her clothes and checks her out head to toe. Everything looks fine, except that there was a giant letter W on her chest. He asked the girl how that happened, and the girl explained that her boyfriend plays basketball for the school and he likes to have sex with his jersey on. Last night after a big win, they had the most passionate sweatiest nastiest sex and it got so hot, that parts of the W on the jersey melted it onto her skin. The doctor decides that the girl will be okay and lets her go. Next, he asks the other girl to do the same. He sees another W on her chest. He checks her out head to toe and then he asks if she is dating an athlete from this school too. The girl replies, No, but my girlfriend plays field hockey for the University of Maryland.

I love to sleep. It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. – That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.