You think a Hora is a high priced call girl.
You light your Shabbat candles with your cigarette.
Your belt buckle is bigger than your yarmulke.
Instead of a noisemaker, youve fired a shotgun at the sound of
Hamans name.
You have a gun rack in your Sukkah.
You think KKK is a symbol for really kosher.
You think marrying your first cousin is required according to
Jewish law.
You dont ride on Shabbat because your car is up on blocks.
When someone shouts Lchaim you respond Lhowdy.
You are saving a bottle of Mogen David wine for some special
occasion.

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. -I know,- he says, they say you cant take it with you. But who knows? Suppose theyre mistaken. Id like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that its useful, Ill have something. They each agree to carry out his wish.
Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we havent be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friends money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.-

At this the priest says, -I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested.-

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says -I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.-

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!

4. Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: Ive got new socks on!

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occassionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce Youre one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say mmmm…tasty!

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say Ding! at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see whats in muh mouf?

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say I think its getting larger.

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch!

Q: How many male chauvinists Pigs does it take to open a can of beer?

A: None – that beer better be open by the time I get home!

A drunk stopped a passer-by and asked the time.

The passer-by looked at his watch and told him.

I cant work it out, muttered the inebriate. All day long I get different answers.

Three clergymen were sitting in a boat, fishing.
"Im thirsty," said the first. "Im gonna go get myself a Coke." So he got out of the boat, walked across the water, and came back with his Coke.
"Ooh, that looks good," said the second and got out of the boat. He walked across the water, got his Coke, and came back.
"Youre right," said the third. "I think Ill get one too." He steps out of the boat and sinks like a rock.
"Hey," said the first clergyman to the second, "should we tell him where the rocks are?"

JIFFY CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269

Dear Sir,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your recent application
to model and represent our product, Jiffy Condoms.

Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our
Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product does not portray
a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy wrinkled condom is
not considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to firm it up using Poly-Grip, but even
then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like
to note however, that we have never seen a penis that looked like a bicycle
grip until now.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will
retain your application for future consideration, if by the chance we decide
that there is a market for Micro-Mini Condoms.

We send greetings and our deepest sympathy to your wife and/or
girlfriend.

Very Truly Yours,

Burly Dick, President
Jiffy Condom Company

BD/pee

Three guys were at the Pearly Gates when Peter answered. He said there was one space open for someone. He asked them how they died."I came home one day and saw my wife in bed, naked. I looked all over the house and decided to check the balcony. I saw some fingers so I took a hammer and hit his fingers but a bush broke his fall so I took my fridge and threw it on him. But I felt so bad for killing a man that I killed myself.""I was painting on the 37th floor, when I slipped and fell. I was holding on to a balcony, when some guy hit me on the fingers with a hammer so I fell, and then dropped a fridge on me.""I was hiding innnocently in the fridge."

Great Thinkers of Our Time?

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,

because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live

forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live

forever.

— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the

world, I cant help but cry. I mean Id love to be skinny like that

but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

— Mariah Carey

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same

reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered

other similarities between the two, but cant remember what they are.

— Matt Lauer on NBCs Today show, August 22

I havent committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.

— David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If youre killed, youve lost a very important part

of your life.

— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

Ive never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.

— Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates

in the country.

— Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

Were going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

— Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

Im not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We

are the president.

— Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.

— Former French President Charles De Gaulle

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,

and Im just the one to do it.

— A congressional candidate in Texas

When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots

and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is

to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.

— Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

I dont feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.

— John Wayne

Half this game is ninety percent mental.

— Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

It isnt pollution thats harming the environment. Its the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

— Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.

— General William Westmoreland

Its like changing the rules in the middle of the stream.

— Rev. Jesse Jackson

I dont know of anyone who wants this to be over more than me, except

maybe everyone else in America.

— President William Jefferson Clinton

What a waste it is to lose ones mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.

— Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.

— Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.

— Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

And just last year, our boy Dan was quoted as saying that the Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who would beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running again…

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?

Funny you should come to me, said the Rabbi. Like you I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian.

What did you do? asked the Lawyer.

I turned to God for the answer replied the Rabbi.

And what did he say? pressed the Lawyer.

God said, Funny you should come to me…