A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

Ive got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you, he announced. Will the laziest man please put his hand up.

Nine hands went up.

Why didnt you put your hand up? he asked the tenth man.

Too much trouble, came the reply.

Buckwheat from the Little Rascals became a Muslim.

Now they call him Kareem of Wheat!

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge.

4. Why cant lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they cant eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.

6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.

7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.

8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.

9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods? Fingerpaint.

10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI.

11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? See you next month.

12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesnt have balls.

14. Do you know what drag is? Its when a man wears everything a lesbian wont.

15. What do you call lesbian twins? Lick-a-likes.

16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

17. Whats the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

18. Whats the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? Ones a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully, the divorce court judge said, and Ive decided to give your wife $275 a week.

Thats very fair, your honor, the husband said. And every now and then Ill try to send her a few bucks myself.

The minister arose to address his congregation. There is a certain man among us today who is flirting with another mans wife. Unless he puts ten dollars in the collection box, his name will be read from the pulpit.

When the collection plate came in, there were 19 ten dollar bills, and a five dollar bill with this note attached: Other five on payday.

Taken from The Treasury of Clean Sports Jokes by Tal D. Bonham Published in Nashville, Tennessee. (Somewhat appropriate I thought, as I work at the Australian government body for sport)

A fisherman from a northern state was telling his host about the big fish he had caught while on his vacation in Texas. As a matter of fact, said the man, I caught one that was nine inches.

The host replied that a fish that size was considered small evenaround there.

Maybe, said the fisherman, but down in Texas they measure a fish between the eyes!

10. Safer than a Russian sub.9. The perfect gift for your mother-in-law.8. Because theres a lot riding on your lawsuit.7. Better than driving around on your axles, right?6. Pop a set on your car today.5. Cmon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?4. Reinforcing the importance of the 25 mph speed limit.3. Hey, its not like we crashed our blimp or something.2. Best Blow Job In Town!1. You cant recall a better tire.

Windows-A danger zone for Fido. Modem-A good way to get rid of

weeds. Mouse-Something the cat chases.

Sherlock Holmes & Watson go to a Rock Museum.

They walk around for a while when Watson notices that there is a rock that doesnt have a display name.


What kind of rock is that? he asked Sherlock.


Sedimentary, my dear Watson!

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you like it that way.

Drum on every available surface.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Specify that your drive-through order is to go.

Set alarms for random times.

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored

Hunters Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of Sweating to the Oldies over climactic parts of rental movies.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either.

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: Do you hear that? What? Never mind, its gone now.

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someones shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Drive half a block.

Name your dog Dog.

Ask people what gender they are.

Reply to everything someone says with Thats what YOU think.

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a real hoot.

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you dont want to fall off in case the big one comes.

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as Feliz Navidad.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Chew on pens that youve borrowed.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Ask to interface with someone.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your superior mental processing.

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant swing-batatatatatata- hWING-batter!

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesnt rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about psychological profiles.

Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a magic picture.

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that youll be saying more any moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Construct elaborate crop circles in your front lawn.

Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Invite lots of people to other peoples parties.

Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.