The efficiency expert concluded his factory lecture with a warning: Dont try these task-organizing tips at home.
Why not? asked a worker.
I did a study of my wifes routine fixing breakfast, explained the lecturer.
She made a lot of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table, and cupboards, often carrying only one item. Hon, I suggested, why dont you try carrying several things at once?
Did it save time?
Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast. Now I do it in seven.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, Lady, I havent eaten in three days.
Force yourself she replied.
You must follow the rules on this one exactly, otherwise it wont work.
Its really scary how this works out. NO CHEATING!!!
First, get a pen and paper.
Second, write the numbers one through six. Example:
1
2
3
4
5
6
Next to number one, write any number …
Next to number two, write the name of anyone to which you are really attracted …
Next to three, write down the first color you can think of …
Next to number four, write the name of your first pet …
Next to number five and six write down the name of a family member …
Remember … No cheating …
Keep scrolling down …
Dont cheat, or youll be upset …
Herere the answers …
The number next to number one show how many times you should be smashed over the head with a baseball bat for thinking that stupid things like this actually mean anything …
The person named next to number two is someone who will never have time to sleep with you because youre stupid enough to waste your time on something like this …
The color you picked means nothing. Its a friggin color for Christsake …
Number four gives you the name of a dead animal …
Numbers five and six represent family members who are embarrassed to be related to you …
Pass this on to everyone you know, so they can feel like a schmuck too.
Q: Why did God create women? A: Because God took one look at men and said I know I can do better than this.
A2: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Why is it that when a teacher tries to eat candy or gum or whatever during the lesson, he/she does his/her best not to be seen eating? Pretending to pick up something, the teacher pop the sweetie in his/her mouth. Or tries to look very busy going through his/her bag/purse and eats a chokolate bar from there.
Come on, people! There are dozens of eyes pointed directly at you! You have no chance of making you business in secrecy! You might as well show whatever you are trying to eat to everyone and then eat it AND enjoy the envy of others. Since nobody brings apples to the teachers anymore, I think are entitled to a few candy bits every now and then.
A man came walking up to his grandparents house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.Grandpa, what are you doing? he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist? he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandmas idea.
Q: Why do rednecks dogs have flat noses?
A: From chasing parked cars…
This penguin goes to get his car fixed, and the mechanic tells him itll take about an hour. So the penguin goes to get some ice cream, and since the penguin has no hands, he gets the ice cream all over his beak. Then the penguin goes back to the mechanic, and the mechanic tells him it looks like hes blown a seal. The penguin says, No, I promise its just ice cream.
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girls grandmother.
On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?
Of course not, dear. replied the mother, Why would you think that?
The tombstone back there said,
Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.