You might be a redneck if…
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Here is a joke I heard on television. As far as I know, it hasnt been sent
here before.

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the
inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him:
What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each
other on the same track?

Andy says, I would switch the points for one of the trains.

What if the lever broke? asked the inspector.

Then Id dash down out of the signal box, said Andy, and Id use the manual
lever over there.

What if that had been struck by lightning?

Then, Andy continues, Id run back into the signal box and phone the next
signal box.

What if the phone was engaged?

Well in that case, persevered Andy, Id rush down out of the box and use
the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.

What if that was vandalised?

Oh well then Id run into the village and get my uncle Silas.

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, Why would you do that?

Came the answer, Because hes never seen a train crash.

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A: In the morning a rooster says, Cockll-doodl-doooo, while a blonde says, Any-cockll-doooo.

What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesnt believe in retaliation:

1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.

2. When he says No, ask, Why not?

3. Wait until he says something to the effect of Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence.

4. When hes in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.

5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.

6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.

7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.

8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1…What are you thinking about?

2…Do you love me?

3…Do I look fat?

4…Do you think she is prettier than me?

5…What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly(i.e., tells the truth).

As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you. This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,which most likely is one of the following: a…Baseball. b…Football. c…How fat you are. d…How much prettier she is than you. e…How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: YES! or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, Yes, dear. Inappropriate responses include: a…Oh Yeah, crap loads. b…Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c…That depends on what you mean by love. d…Does it matter? e…Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: Of course not! Among the incorrect answers are: a…Compared to what? b…I wouldnt call you fat, but youre not exactly thin. c…A little extra weight looks good on you. d…Ive seen fatter. e…Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think shes prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: Of course not! Incorrect responses include:

a…Yes, but you have a better personality. b…Not prettier, but definitely thinner. c…Not as pretty as you when you were her age. d…Define pretty. e…Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is Buy a Corvette and a Boat). WARNING: No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not-dont you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldnt you remarry? MAN: Okay, Id get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She cant use them; shes left-handed WOMAN: – – – silence – – – MAN: Oh ( expletive deleted).

Q. What do you get when a cow gets stuck in an earthquake? A. A milk shake!

Pinnochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating their passions. Every time we make love, she said, I get splinters!

So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask for advice.

Sandpaper my boy, thats what you need, was the carpenters response.

A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinnochio again, How are you getting on with the girls now?

Who needs girls? replied Pinnochio!

There came a big flood, and the water around Bholas house was rising steadily..

Bhola was standing on the porch, watching water rising all around him, when a man in a boat came along and called to Bhola, Get in the boat and Ill get you out of here. Bhola replied, No thanks, God will save me.

Bhola went into the house, and the water was starting to pour in. So, he went up to the second floor.

As he looked out, another man in a boat came along, and he called to Bhola, Get in the boat and Ill get you out of here.

Again, Bhola replied, No thanks. God will save me.

The water kept rising. So, Bhola got out onto the roof.

A helicopter flew over, and the pilot called down to Bhola, Ill drop you a rope,grab onto it, and Ill get you out of here.

Again Bhola replied, No thanks. God will save me.

The water rose and rose, and soon nearly covered the whole house. Bhola fell in, and drowned.

When he arrived in Heaven, he saw God, and asked Him, Why didnt you save me from that terrible flood? Did I not show you my faith?

With a loving but irritated tone God replied, What more would you have me do? I sent people in two boats and a helicopter?

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, Good morning, Maam. What are you doing?

Reading my book, she replies as she thinks to herself, Is this guy blind or what?

Youre in a restricted fishing area, he informs her.

But, Officer, Im not fishing. Cant you see that?

But you have all this equipment, Maam. Ill have to take you in and write you up.

If you do that, I will charge you with rape, snaps the irate woman.

I didnt even touch you, growls the sheriff.

Yes, thats true … but you have all the equipment …

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

This is an at and t and mci conversation so why dont you sprint out?