Old and New Jokes

A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?

The judges face went red and he roared, It most certainly would not! Id add another two years onto your sentence!

The defendant nodded and then asked, Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?

The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts.

The defendant smiled and said, Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!

Yo mama is so poor, she had to get a part-time job painting skittles.

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joes curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, “Excuse me, I couldnt help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?” The man replied, “Theres a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin good, Im headin home!”

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed by thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill
againt us
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, the lager.

BAR MEN

Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay.

George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.

His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didnt say anything.

He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself.

A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary.

And the moral of the story: Dont work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.

One day after work, a blonde walked into a pizza parlor and ordered a small personal pizza. When it was finished, the waiter asked the blonde if she wanted it cut into four pieces or eight.The blonde thought a bit and then finally said Better make it four, Id never be able to eat eight.

(must be read with an Italian or other foreign accent)

One day ima gonna America to bigga hotel.

Inna morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate you sonna ma bitch. I dont even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table you sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit onna my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: Peace on you.

I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

1) Everyone around you has an attitudeproblem.2) Youre adding chocolate chips to yourcheese omelet.3) The dryer has shrunk every last pair ofyour jeans.4) Your man is suddenly agreeing toeverything you say.5) Youre using your cellular phone to dial upevery bumper sticker that says, "Hows my driving- call 1-800-***-****."6) Everyones head looks like an invitation tobatting practice.7) Youre convinced theres a God and hesmale.8) Youre counting down the days untilmenopause.9) Youre sure that everyone is scheming todrive you crazy.10) The ibuprofen bottle is empty and youbought it yesterday.

Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbors 10 year old daughters rabbit.



For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.



The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower.



Upon finishing its grooming I hopped the fence and replaced back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as natural causes.

Back to the hammock and my JD.



Within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted, What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girls dead rabbit and put it back in its cage??

Valles Marineris (MPI) – A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft.

The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, bouncing several times before coming to a stop, deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases. Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.

General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Forces explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the other-worldly nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmys statements as evidence of an obvious government cover-up, pointing out that Mars has no swamps.