Old and New Jokes

What is a frogs favorite drink?

Croak-a-cola!

The CIA is considering three woman to be hired. They bring
them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first
woman comes in and sits down.


Do you love your husband?
Yes I do, Sir.


Do you love your country?
Yes I do, Sir.


What do you love more, your husband or your country?
My country, Sir!


Okay…your husband is in that other room. Now take this
gun and go into the next room and shoot him.


The woman goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5
minutes. She comes back, all sweaty. She puts down the gun
and leaves… she couldnt do it.


The second woman comes in and sits down. The interviewer
asks her the same questions, and the responses are the same.
The interviewer gives her a gun, and tells her to go kill
her husband. The woman puts the gun down and says, I cant
do it…


The third woman comes in, same scenario. The interviewer
gives her a gun, and tells her to go shoot her husband. The
woman goes into the room, and – BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds
that end after a few minutes.


The woman comes out of the room and puts the gun on the
table. The interviewer looks at her and says What the hell
happened in there?!?!


Well, the gun you gave me was filled with blanks – so I had
to beat him with a chair!

A new sales assistant was hired at a large dept. store. On his first day, the
sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by
the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed.
The sales manager stepped in.

SM: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?

C : I guess so. Ill take one.

SM: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer ?

C : Um, okay.

SM: Heres a couple of bags. Youll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass
when it starts growing too long.

C : Ill take one of those too.

After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. You see?
he said, thats the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what
the customer originally came in for.

Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where
he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.

MAN: Id like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.

SA : Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?

MAN: Why would I want to do that?

SA : Well, your weekends shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the
lawn.

A soldier comes back from the Iraq war after two years to find that his wife has just had a baby.Puzzled, he goes to see his doctor.Well, The doctor explains, Its what we call a grudge baby.Whats that? The confused soldier asks.The result of someone having it in for you while you were away.

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldnt be late for church. As she ran she kept praying, “Dear God, please sont let me be late to church. Please dont let me be late to church….” And, as she was running she tripped and fell. When she got back up she began praying again, “Please, God dont let me be late to church — but dont shove me either!

There was a loser who couldnt get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.

The guy said, Its simple. I just say, Im a lawyer.

So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, Oh! Youre a lawyer?

He said, Why yes I am!

She liked the idea and they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, Well, Ive only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and Im already screwing someone!

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro.

What do you mean its illegal? asked the Englishmen.

Quattro means four replies the Italian official.

Quattro is just the name of the automobile, the Englishmen retort disbelievingly.

Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons.

You canta pulla thata one ona me, replies the Italian customs agent.

Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakina the law.

The Englishmen replies angrily, You idiot! Call your supervisor over – I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!

Sorry, responds the Italian official, he canta come. Hesa busy with 2 guys in a Uno.

Because 7 8 9.

You might be a redneck if…
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Here is a joke I heard on television. As far as I know, it hasnt been sent
here before.

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the
inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him:
What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each
other on the same track?

Andy says, I would switch the points for one of the trains.

What if the lever broke? asked the inspector.

Then Id dash down out of the signal box, said Andy, and Id use the manual
lever over there.

What if that had been struck by lightning?

Then, Andy continues, Id run back into the signal box and phone the next
signal box.

What if the phone was engaged?

Well in that case, persevered Andy, Id rush down out of the box and use
the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.

What if that was vandalised?

Oh well then Id run into the village and get my uncle Silas.

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, Why would you do that?

Came the answer, Because hes never seen a train crash.