Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares? I dont believe in miracles. I rely on them. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. I hate everybody, and youre next. Please dont make me kill you. I used to be schizophrenic, but were okay now. Im busy. Youre ugly. Have a nice day. Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it. Remember my name — youll be screaming it later. You KNOW you want me. Dont worry. Itll only seem kinky the first time. Of course I dont look busy – I did it right the first time! Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? Im multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time. You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions? You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. All stressed out and no one to choke. Im one of those bad things that happen to good people. How can I miss you if you wont go away? Sorry if I looked interested. Im not. If we are what we eat, Im fast, cheap and easy. Nobody knows Im not wearing underwear. Im out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Why doesnt Texas fall into the Gulf of Mexico?
Because Oklahoma sucks!

It can be up or down. Its more fun when its up, but it makes it hard to
get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think
thats the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for
fun most of the time.

Once youve started playing with it, its hard to stop. Some people would
just play with it all day if they didnt have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this
interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes its hard
to tell what kind of person youre dealing with until its too late.

If you dont apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much,
youll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and
influence warrant.

Some folks have it, some dont. Those who have it would be devastated if it
were ever cut off. They think that those who dont have it are somehow
inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who dont
have it may agree that its a nifty toy, but think its not worth the fuss
that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who dont have
it would like to try it.

If youre not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will
warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself, Why on earth did I do
that??

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do
the same damn dumb things it did before.

Drink at age…

17 … beer

25 … beer

35 … vodka

48 … double vodka

66 … Maalox

Seduction line at age…

17 … My parents are away for the weekend.

25 … My girlfriend is away for the weekend.

35 … My fiancee is away for the weekend.

48 … My wife is away for the weekend.

66 … My second wife is dead.

Favorite sport at age…

17 … sex

25 … sex

35 … sex

48 … sex

66 … napping

Drug at age…

17 … pot

25 … coke

35 … really good coke

48 … power

66 … coke, a limousine, the company jet

Definition of a successful date at age…

17 … tongue

25 … breakfast

35 … She didnt set back my therapy.

48 … I didnt bump into her kids.

66 … Got home alive.

Favorite Fantasy at age…

17 … getting to third

25 … airplane sex

35 … menage a trois

48 … taking his company public

66 … Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

The ideal age to get married at age…

17 … 25

25 … 35

35 … 48

48 … 66

66 … 17

House pet at age…

17 … roaches

25 … stoned-out college roommate

35 … Irish setter

48 … children from his first marriage

66 … Barbi

Ideal date at age…

17 … Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in

25 … Split the check before we go back to my place

35 … Just come over.

48 … Just come over and cook.

66 … sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he sees

Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, You Chinese people

bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here.

The astonished Chinese man

replied, It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese.

Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese your all the same, replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says, You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.

Shocked, Spielberg replies, It

was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.

The Chinese man, replies,

Iceberg, Spielberg, Carsberg, youre all the same.

Hey, this is a nude beach. I aint getting in that cold water! — Shrinkaphobia

Get that *^%#*# vodka bottle away from me!! — Carmenelectraphobia

Hes coming straight for us – with his left turn signal on! — Oldfartophobia

You have to push Start to turn the damn computer off?! — Windophobia

I wont go to your frat house to eat gyros and watch a tape of the Israel Philharmonic Orchestra on your old Sony VCR! — ThetaFetaMetaBetaphobia

No!! Dont call the plumber!!! — Buttcrackaphobia

No, I dont want to watch Friends. That blonde chick freaks me out. — Phoebephobia

Um, Doctor, why are you putting on that rubber glove? — Probeophobia

Youre busy Saturday? Well, how about next weekend then? — Rentanotherpornophobia

Its NOT my imagination! Senator Helms is looking at me that way again! — Homophobophobia

Honey, I bought a Corvette! — Smallpenisphobia

A burglar enters a home and is greeted by Jesus is watching!
He shines his flashlight around and finds no one.
He takes another step to hear Jesus is watching you.
This time he shines the light to discover a parrot.
He asks, Was that you talking ?
The parrot answers Yes.
The burglar asks, What is your name?
The parrot replies, Clarence.
The burglar asks, What idiot named you Clarence?
The parrot replies, The same idiot that named the Doberman Jesus.

Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.

Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair!

My new work philosophy: Always give 100% at work…12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

Being peniless doesnt mean you have to dress without style. A smart girl finds high fashion lurking in any pile of cast-offs. With a little pluckishness, hard work, and the keen advice of Ooze, youll be the envy of every kid on the block!

Two scrap 2 x 4s, available at any construction site, can be transformed into a pair of hip, 70s-style clogs with only a sharp knife, wood glue, and some heavy twine. The ultimate in platform shoes!

Chrome bumpers, split around the corners and accompanied by a lawnmower grass pouch, can approximate that tiny silver backpack thing thats really hot with the baby t-shirt and barrette set.

Like the cool, keys on a janitors chain look thats so popular with the club kids? Any metal gate, cut apart with a hacksaw can be wound to your jeans to create that workingmans look for a bargain price. If all the metal gates near your house are electrical, try shorting the circuit with your kid brother!

Old toothpaste caps, cut in half and glued to your gums with epoxy, can cover up any embarrassing gaps in your smile caused by rotting teeth!

Large plastic garbage bags can be cut into a variety of snug fitting and sexy dresses for all occasions! Just make sure to make airholes in the bag so you dont smell like a sweaty pig!

Gangrenous sores threatening to ruin your prom? A healthy dose of colored electrical tape can cover them up in minutes. Tell your friends you are wearing red tape to signify your support for AIDS victims. Theyll be so impressed with your social awareness, they wont notice any tell-tale rotting!

Think of yourself as Mr. Retro but dont have the wallet to back up the claim? Create your own JAMS, those colorful Bermuda shorts from the Reagan era, by duct taping rotting vegetables to your thighs! Look out, Spuds McKenzie!

Proud of your African heritage but too unskilled to weave a multi-colored tapestry? Old bath towels, even those with Roger Rabbit or Pee Wees Playhouse insignias, can be cut into great African daishikis!

Live in a shanty-town with no services? A fully-juiced car battery can provide up to two hours of electrical power for your curling iron!

Professional tattoos are expensive, and homemade ones make you look like youve spent a lot of time in jail. Now you can mutilate your skin the discount way! Clods of dirt, colorful industrial chemicals, and hunks of hot tar fresh off the summer street can be mixed together and seared into human flesh to create exciting designs!

Want to look smart, but cant afford eyeglasses? Discarded jelly jars, held together by a wire clothes hanger can make even the biggest dullard look like an instant Pointdexter!

If you have any tips youd like to share, e-mail drbubonic@aol.com with the details and enter to win a free brick which can be used to stuff your bra!

Read Ooze at http://www.ooze.com/