Old and New Jokes

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, MAN, That is the ugliest baby Ive EVER seen!

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

The bus driver insulted me! she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, Hey! Hes a public servant and he shouldnt say things to insult the passengers.

Youre right! she said. I think Ill go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.

Thats a good idea, the man said. Here, let me hold your monkey!

What did the termite say when he walked into the bar? Where is the bar tender?

You know how they use to give immigrants a test when they came to America?

Well the last question on the test was to use pink, green and yellow in a sentence.

So when the Mexican had his turn he answered the last question: When the phone goes GREEN GREEN GREEN I PINK it up and say YELLOW?

Institutions of higher learning and/or research:

Auburn University.
Brown University.
Chrome Yellow University.
Neon Pink University.
Kelly Green University Fading to Chartreuse Around the Edges.

Northern Illinois University.
Southern Illinois University.
Eastern Illinois University.
Western Illinois University.
Northeastern Illinois University.
Northwestern Illinois University.
Southeastern Illinois University.
Southwestern Illinois University.
North-by-Northwestern Illinois University.
Almost Central But Just Slightly Eastern Illinois University.

Yale University.
Cole University.
Weiser University.
Kwikset University.

Harvey Mudd College.
Roger Mudd College.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd College.
My Name Is Mudd College.

Kings College.
Queens College.
Jacks College (formerly Knaves College).
Tens College.
Aces College.

Texas A&I University.
Texas A&M University.
North Carolina A&T University.
Tennessee C&W University.
Michigan R&B University.
New Jersey M&M University.
San Francisco S&M University.

University of Maryland Institute for Advanced Computer Science.
University of Northern Saskatchewan Institute for Primitive Computer Science.
Charles Babbage Institute for Mechanical Computer Science.

Governors State University.
Lieutenant-Governors State University.
Secretaries of State State University.
State Comptrollers State University.

University of Tennessee Space Institute.
University of Southwestern Arkansas Cosmic Realms Institute.
Elroy Jetson Space Magic Institute.

Lawrence Livermore National Labs.
Lawrence Berkeley National Labs.
Lawrence Olivier National Labs.
Lawrence of Arabia National Labs.
Lawrence Welk National Labs.

Argonne National Labs. *
Kryptonne National Labs.
Xenonne National Labs.
Radonne National Labs.

Concordia University.
Discordia University.
Misericordia University.

University of Wisconsin – Madison.
University of Wisconsin – Milwaukee.
University of Wisconsin – River Falls.
University of Wisconsin – Stout.
University of Wisconsin – Porter.
University of Wisconsin – Malt Liquor.
University of Wisconsin – Night Train.
University of Wisconsin – Everclear.

Purdue University.
Louis Rich University.
Hormel University.
Oscar Mayer University.

Drexel University.
Ethan Allen University.
Seidel University.
La-Z-Boy University.

George Washington University.
James Madison University.
Chester A. Arthur University.
Millard Fillmore University.
Spiro T. Agnew University.
J. Danforth Quayle University.

McMaster University.
McSlave University.
McTop University.
McBottom University.

Ball State University.
Prick State University.
Twat State University.
Asshole State University.

Wright State University.
Wrong State University.
Altered State University.
Uncertain State University.
Out of State University.

McGill University.
McScale University.
McFin University.
McTail University.
McOperculum University.

McNeese State University.
McNeffew State University.
McAuntt State University.
McUnccle State University.

Seton Hall University.
Seton Vestibule University.
Seton Bathroom University.
Seton Bedroom University.

Sam Houston State University.
Sam Walton State University.
Sam I Am State University.
Son of Sam State University. *

South Dakota School of Mines and Technology.
Colorado School of Mines.
Wyoming School of Ditches.
Montana School of Holes in the Ground.

BU.
BYU.
NYU.
BYOB.

Clemson University.
Jebson University.
Abnerson University.
DaisyMaeson University.

Clarkson University.
Loisson University.
Jimmyson University.

Stephen F. Austin State University.
Steve Austin State University.
Bionic Woman State University.

Tufts University.
Locks University.
Bald Spot University.
Underarm Hair University.
Pubic Hair University.

Tulane University.
Forlane University.
Atelane University.

Baruch College.
The Weizmann Institute.
Hofstra University.
Brandeis University.
Carasso University.

Emory University.
Nail Clippor University.
Polish Removor University.

Fordham University.
Chryslerporkshoulder University.
Generalmotorspigsfeet University.

Universite de Montreal.
Universite Laval.
Universite Trudeau.
Universite Mulroney.

University of Central Florida.
University of EPCOT Center.
University of Disney World.
University of Busch Gardens–The Dark Continent.

Bowie State University.
Butcher State University.
Ginsu State University.
Swiss Army State University.

Angelo State University.
Giuseppe State University.
Mario State University.
Cosa Nostra State University.

Mitsubishi Information Technology Labs.
NEC Research Institute.
Nintendo Super Mario Brothers ™ Advanced Technology Research Center.

Florida Atlantic University.
Florida Pacific University.
Florida Indian University.
Florida Arctic University.

Carnegie Mellon University.
Carnegie Cucummber University.
Carnegie Zucchinni University.

College of William and Mary.
College of Bonnie and Clyde.
College of George and Gracie.
College of Frankie and Johnny.
College of Jimmy and Rosalyn.
College of Ronnie and Nancy.
College of Andy and Fergie.

Cornell University.
Wheatell University.
Barleyell University.
Buckwheatell University.

Dartmouth University.
Dartnostril University.
Dartrectum University.

Duke University.
Viscount University.
Baronet University.
Knight University.
Commoner University.

Ferris State University.
Roller Coaster State University.

Florida International University.
Florida National University.
Florida State University.
Florida County University.
Florida Local University.
Florida Neighborhood University.
Florida Backyard University.
Florida Garage University.

Grand Valley State University.
Small Valley State University.
Piffling Little Valley State University.
Large Flood Plain State University.

Hunter College.
Fisherman College.
Camper College.
Backpacker College.

Lehigh University.
Lelow University.
Leinbetween University.

Colgate University.
Crest University.
Gleem University.
Close-Up University.
Pearl Drops Tooth Polish University.

Nova University.
Duster University.
Pinto University.
Super Beetle University.

Old Dominion University.
New Dominion University.
Dominions, Principalities, and Powers University.
Mark-Jason Dominionus University.

IBM T. J. Watson Research Center.
IBM T. J. Hooker Research Center.
IBM J. T. Kirk Research Center.
IBM Stupid Roles Played by William Shatner Research Center.

Southern Methodist University.
Southern Baptist University.
Primitive Baptist University.
Holy Roller University.

Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Daisy-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Delphinium-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Chrysanthemum-Hulman Institute of Technology.

Oklahoma Panhandle State University.
Oklahoma Hitchhike State University.
Oklahoma Drink Night Train and Eat Out of Dumpsters State University.

Our Lady of the Angels College.
Our Lady of the Elms College.
Our Lady of the Night College.

Prentiss Normal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Interior Decoration Institute.

Grinnell College.
Smilell College.
Smirkell College.

Dalhousie University.
Sandboxie University.
Playgroundequipmentie University.

Simon Fraser University.
Simon Magus University.
Simon Templar University.
Simon Legree University.

Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Dominican College.
Illinois Trappist College.
Illinois Carthusian College.

Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Benedictine and Brandy College.
Illinois Drambuie College.
Illinois Grand Marnier College.

Kent State University.
Winston State University.
Marlboro State University.
Camel Wides State University.

College of Wooster.
College of Jeeves.
College of Pinker.
College of Fink-Nottle.

Villanova University.
Bossa Nova University.
Chevy Nova University.

Slippery Rock State College.
Crocodile Rock State College.
Jailhouse Rock State College.
Rock Around the Clock State College.
Go Crawl Under a Rock State College.

Smith College.
Jones College.
John Doe College.
John Q. Public College.

Sarah Lawrence College.
Sarah Bernhardt College.
Sarah Jane Smith College.
Sara Lee College.

Holy Apostles College.
Holy Names College.
Holy Family College.
Holy Toledo College.
Holy Hamburgers, Batman! College.

Sweet Briar College.
Sweet and Sour Briar College.
Twice Cooked Briar College.
Szechwan Briar With Hot Bean Curd and Crispy Noodles College.

Grambling State University.
Smroking State University.
Drrinking State University.
Whroring State University.

Creighton University.
Cardboard Bachson University.
Shipping Contaigneron University.
Mailing Tyoobon University.

Worcester Polytechnic Institute.
Teriyaki Polytechnic Institute.
Soy Polytechnic Institute.
A-1 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
Heinz 57 Steak Polytechnic Institute.

Case Western Reserve University.
Case Eastern Loquacity University.
Case Southern Charm University.
Case Midwestern Folksiness University.

Tuskegee Institute.
Hornegee Institute.
Antleregee Institute.

Oberlin College.
Oberkellner College.
Oberkommando College.
Oberbuergermeister College.

Millikin University.
Rutherferd University.
Schroedingor University.
Einsteen University.

Bowling Green State University.
Bowling Alley State University.
Bowling Pin State University.
Bowling Jacket State University.
Bowling Shoes State University.
Bowling Trophy State University.

Bob Jones University.
Bob Hope University.
Bob Barker University.
Bob Newhart University.
Bob Evans Restaurant University.
J. R. Bob Dobbs University.

Open Bible College.
Closed Bible College.
Open Just a Crack Bible College.
Open Weekdays Nine To Five Bible College.

Moody Bible Institute.
Pensive Bible Institute.
Peevish Bible Institute.
Depressed Bible Institute.
Paranoid Schizophrenic Bible Institute.
Stark Raving Mad Bible Institute on Antipsychotic Drugs.

Liberty Baptist College.
Equality Baptist College.
Fraternity Baptist College.
French Revolutionary Baptist College.

* suggested by ajd@itl.itd.umich.edu (Arthur J. Delano); used with permission

What kind of drugs are mail carriers not tested for?

SPEED!

Who Has The Best Memory?

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

First guy says, I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.

Second guy says, I can remember my first day at Nursery School!

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, Hell, thats nothing… I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother!

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a nooner. Dont worry, he purrs. My wife is out of town on a business trip, theres no risk. As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control! No problem, her lover replies. Ill get my wifes diaphragm. After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. That witch! he exclaims. She took it with her! I always knew she didnt trust me!

Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe.

So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution, so they send out some help-me type faxes.

A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax read: As your neighbours, we are deeply touched you requested our help, etc. etc, but we have no idea at all how to do it.

The German fax read: We are Germany, the most organized country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know how to handle it.

The Polish fax read: As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic resuscitation. We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually.

So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the trucks to ride on the right lane.

Q: Why does Congressman Gary Condit wear pants?

A: To keep his ankles warm!