Old and New Jokes

The taco Bell chihuahua dog, a doberman, and a bulldog all walk into a bar. A female collie then walks in. The collie says, Whoever can say liver and cheese the most creativly, can have me. So the bulldog goes I love liver and cheese The collie says Not good enough The doberman says I hate liver and cheese The collie goes, Not creative enough Then the chihuahua dog says, Liver alone, cheese mine.

More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just dont wanna go to.

ID LOVE TO BUT…

… I have to go to court for kitty littering. … I have to jog my memory. … I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar. … I have to rotate my crops. … I have to sit up with a sick ant. … I have to stay home and see if I snore. … I have to study for a blood test. … I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner. … I prefer to remain an enigma. … I think you want the OTHER (fill in your name here). … Im going to be old someday. … Im going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. … Im going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me. … Im having my baby shoes bronzed. … Im trying to cut down. … Im up to my eardrums in waxy buildup. … Ive been traded to Cincinnati. … My Dress For Obscurity class meets then. … my favorite commercial is on TV. … My uncle escaped… again. … Oooo, having fun gives me prickly heat.

Harry answers the telephone, and its an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.

The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life.

Harry says, My God!… Whats the good news?

The doctor says, Im kidding. Shes dead!

A guy was telling his friend about his recent hunting trip to Alaska.
We were out in the woods all morning and our guide decided that we should take a break along the river bank. I wasnt feeling tired so I went for a stroll while the others were resting.
As I was walking, a grizzly bear burst out of the undergrowth in front of me. I turned and started running like hell through the woods with the bear after me. The bear almost caught up with me but slipped and fell down. I kept running and the bear almost caught up with me again twice, but slipped and fell each time. I finally reached the river bank. The guide saw the bear chasing me and shot it dead.
Wow! replied his friend, Thats incredible. If I were you, I would have shit myself.
The first guy answered, What do you think the bear was slipping on?

Q: Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?

A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman and the other is a chocolate lab!

Why are E.T.s eyes so big?

Because he saw the phone bill!

It was a No Frills airline:

• They didnt sell tickets, they sold chances

• All the insurance machines in the terminal were sold out

• Before the flight, the passengers got together and elected a pilot

• If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back

• You could not board the plane unless you had the exact change

• Before we took off, the stewardess told us to fasten our Velcro

• The Captain asked all the passengers to chip in a little for gas

• When they pulled the steps away, the plane started rocking

• The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway

• You ask the Captain how often their planes crash. He sez, Just once

• No movie. Didnt need one. Your life kept flashing before your eyes

• You see a man with a gun, but hes demanding to be let off the plane

• All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel

Yo mamas so stupid she tried to drown a fish.

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits. When you are counting objects, you go 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D…. When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors. When your wife says If you dont turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!, and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause. You try to sleep, and think sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours / When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page. When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialling an IP number… When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want. When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one. When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window. When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that youre doing the math in octal. When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.

In article <1182@sjuvax.UUCP> ryan@sjuvax.UUCP (P. Ryan) writes:

This may be an old topic so email responses if it is. At countless sporting
events, I have seen a man holding up a sign with John 3:16 on it. I am
familiar with the Biblical quote (And the Lord God loved the world so much
that He gave His only Son… or something like that) but I cant figure
out what it has to do with sports.

Tim McCarver piped in when he was calling one of the Mets games:
Oh, look, Tommy John has got his ERA down again!!!

Kenny Crudup