A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesnt have all his corn flakes in one box.
The wheels spinning, but the hamsters dead.
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
One Taco short of a Combo Meal.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer!
The cheese slid of his cracker.
Body by Fisher Price, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2 but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldnt pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.
Too much yardage between the posts.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimneys clogged.
Doesnt have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesnt know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesnt go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machines out of thread.
Her antenna doesnt pick up all the channels.
His belt doesnt go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on her remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution can go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,
Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which Id accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
Then my wifes father died and left us two million dollars.
You might be a redneck if…
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.
When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the woman thanks the judge and says Now I have to arrange for a Get.
The judge inquires what she means by a Get. So, the woman explains that a Get is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce.
The judge says, You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?
She replies Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire schmuck.
A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed.
He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!
The other guy looks at him and declares, I did not!
Hillary Clinton is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to find out that she is pregnant. She is furious and cant believe this has happened.
She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone, and immediately begins to berate him, screaming: How could you have let this happen? With all of the trouble going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!!!
How could you???!!!
I cant believe this has happened!
I just found out I am 5 weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!!
How could you???
Well, what have you got to say???
There is nothing but silence on the phone.
She screams again: CAN YOU HEAR ME???!!!!
She finally hears Bills very, very quiet voice.
In a barely audible whisper he says, Who is this?
What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
MMmmmm, tastes like chicken!
The taco Bell chihuahua dog, a doberman, and a bulldog all walk into a bar. A female collie then walks in. The collie says, Whoever can say liver and cheese the most creativly, can have me. So the bulldog goes I love liver and cheese The collie says Not good enough The doberman says I hate liver and cheese The collie goes, Not creative enough Then the chihuahua dog says, Liver alone, cheese mine.
More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just dont wanna go to.
ID LOVE TO BUT…
… I have to go to court for kitty littering. … I have to jog my memory. … I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar. … I have to rotate my crops. … I have to sit up with a sick ant. … I have to stay home and see if I snore. … I have to study for a blood test. … I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner. … I prefer to remain an enigma. … I think you want the OTHER (fill in your name here). … Im going to be old someday. … Im going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. … Im going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me. … Im having my baby shoes bronzed. … Im trying to cut down. … Im up to my eardrums in waxy buildup. … Ive been traded to Cincinnati. … My Dress For Obscurity class meets then. … my favorite commercial is on TV. … My uncle escaped… again. … Oooo, having fun gives me prickly heat.
Harry answers the telephone, and its an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says, Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.
The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life.
Harry says, My God!… Whats the good news?
The doctor says, Im kidding. Shes dead!