Old and New Jokes

Why dont blondes like making Kool-Aid? Because they cant fit eight cups of water in the little packet.

A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled up next to her. The man in the car says to her, What do you have in the bag? The blonde replies: I have chickens! The man thinks for a moment and says, If I can guess how many chickens you have in the bag, can I have one? The blonde thinks that it sounds fair and replies, Okay, but Ill make the bet even better! If you can guess how many chickens I have in the bag I will give you BOTH of them!"

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little worried.
"Whats your name, birdie?"
"Moses."
"What dumbass named you Moses?"
"The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus."

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. I think this one will really move said the broker, its only $1 a share.



Buy me 1000 shares. said the client.



The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, You were right, give me 5000 more shares.



The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.



The client ran to the phone and called the broker, Get me 10,000 more shares said the client.



Great! said the broker.



The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.



Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, Sell all my shares!



The broker said, To whom? You were the only one buying that stock.

A hooker was explaining her lifestyle to a girlfriend.

I put on stocking on one leg. One stocking on the other leg, and between the two I make a living.

Bubba and Jed took parachuting lessons, and were arguing
about who was best at folding a parachute.

Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they
decided to go up in a plane and judge by the midair
performance of their parachutes.

Bubba jumped first, pulled his cord, and started floating
down towards the earth.

Then Jed jumped, pulled his cord and nothing happened; he
pulled his safety cord- nothing. In a matter of seconds
he whizzed past Bubba, plummeting like a stone.

Oh, shouted the Jed, yanking off his harness, so ya
wanna race, do ya?!

George Washington, Abe Lincoln and Osama are on an airplane.
Washington takes a quarter, drops it out of the plane and says, This is for my country.
Lincoln takes out a penny and drops it out of the plane and says, This is for my country.
Osama takes a bomb and drops it out of the plane and says, This is for my country.
They land and Washington sees a girl crying and he asks her why. She tells him that she was hit in the head with a quarter and then Washington apologizes.
Then Lincoln sees a boy crying and asks him why. He says that he was hit on the head with a penny and Lincoln apologizes.
Then Osama sees a boy cracking up and he asks him why. The boy replies, Daddy farted and then the house blew up!

The report that important decisions in the White House were
based on astrological advice is most disturbing. The results
could undermine faith in astrology.

Letter to the Editor
New York Times
15 May 1988

Some of the things school kids write when they run out of steam while having to go for pass marks during exams make good reading, albeit perhaps painful for the language sticklers. Following are a few quoted truths from teacher Richard Lederers book More Anguished English:

Migration is a headache birds get when they fly south during winter

the Great Wall of China was built to keep out the Mongrels

the Seventh Commandment was Thou shalt not admit adultery

in Christianity a man can have only one wife. This is called monotony.

I have enjoyed my boyhood so much that I am looking forward to my adultery

A Womans Rule of Thumb:

If it has tires or testicles, youre going to have trouble with it.