A woman realizes her son has not yet gotten out of bed for school.

She goes into his bedroom and tells him to get up or he will miss breakfast.

No, the son replies. I dont wanna go to school!

You HAVE to go to school, the mother scolds.

No! The kids are mean to me, the teachers dont like me, and the lunches are icky.

You WILL go to school, young man, the mother warns.

Why? Why do I have to go to school today? the son asks.

The mother is about to lose her patience.

Because youre the principal, now get out of bed!

Once a foreigner comes to Mumbai International Airport and takes a taxi.On the way seeing other cars he says that here cars move very slowly.In his country they move very fast.

When his destination arrived he got down and checked the meter.

He asked the driver how did the meter go so high?The driver replied that the reason for the meter to run so fast was that te meter was bought from the foreigners country!!!

Before AOL group sex meant the risk of STDs. Now you run the risk of getting Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
Before AOL family reunions were needed just to touch base, and the main topic was how Cousin Jed was in jail. Now IMs are used to touch base and they start flying as cousin Jed is TOSd for soliciting passwords.
Before AOL teens would be embarrassed to go to the local news-stand and pick up a copy of playboy. Now you have to hide the credit cards to keep them from buying Live Nudies on the Internet.
Before AOL you sat down and explained to your teen about using condoms. Now you find yourself out buying a spill-proof keyboard.
Before AOL your mother ordered pizza from a paper menu. Now she orders from a virtual pizza shop, and gets pissed when the delivery never comes.
Before AOL your husband sent flowers for your B-day, Valentines, etc. Now He shows his affection by sending you roses from a virtual florist, and justifies it by stating, They will never die.
Before AOL you had sex in bed with your spouse. Now you expect your significant other to sign on with Big44D4U or HungLo10 respectively.
Before AOL you dined out. Now you scrape last nights meal from your keyboard.
Before AOL, You would get upset that your wife went shopping. Now she can shop till she drops just so long as you hide the credit card.
Before AOL the ugliest person you had ever met made a pass at you and you shot them down grimacing. Now you have no clue as to who that person really is that you cybered last night.
Before AOL people used terrible pick up lines at the bar. Now they bombard you with IMs asking you to get nekkid.
Before AOL teachers could go to the library, look inside an Encyclopaedia and tell if you had plagiarised the hell out of it. Now they can surf the web for years and still have no clue.
Before AOL people would prejudge you by your physical appearance and /or abilities. Now they listen to what you have to say before they make a decision.

For a couple years Ive been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. Im tired because Im overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.This leaves 19 million to do the work.Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.You and me . . . and youre sitting there reading jokes.

A Christmas tree is always erect.
Even small ones give satisfaction.
A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
A Christmas tree always looks good – even when its lit.
A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
A Christmas tree has cute balls.
You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out.
You dont have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you break one of its balls.
You only have to feed/water it once a week.
Its always there to light up your life.
It gets turned on only when you want it turned on.
It always smells nice and doesnt pass gas.
If it needles you, you can toss it out.
It doesnt ask you to have little Christmas trees.

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, Pig #1, do you know your mission?
The pig replies, Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink.

Then NASA Control asks the second pig, Pig #2, do you know your mission?

The second pig replies, Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink.

Then NASA asks the blonde, Blonde woman, do you know your mission?

The blonde woman replies, Ummmmmmm…. Oh yeah, I remember now. Feed the pigs – and DONT TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!

How many Irishmen does it take to replace a light bulb?

30, 2 to hold the light bulb and 28 to drink till the room starts spinning.

A physician passed away and was being screened for the destination of his souls eternal afterlife. Unfortunately hed been a bit of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so he wasnt quite certain what to expect. Upon his arrival at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds, he may find the choices rather hellish. Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it. Upon viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified to observe various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease, and other maladies too terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch. With trepidation he opened door #3 to discover therein groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps! He rushed excitedly back to Saint Peter and proclaimed, Ill take door #3! Oh, no, Im afraid thats not possible, exclaimed Saint Peter. Thats NURSES Hell!

10. The church bus has gun racks.
9. The church staff consists of senior pastor, associate pastor and sociopastor.
8. The Bible they use is the Dr. Seuss version.
7. There is an ATM in the lobby.
6. The choir wears leather robes.
5. The worship services are B.Y.O.S. (bring your own snake).
4. Theres no cover charge but communion is a two-drink minimum.
3. The pastor regularly attends meetings in Las Vegas and Atlantic City.
2. The ushers ask, Smoking or non-smoking?
1. The Womens Quartet are all married to the pastor.

[Picard] Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?
[Geordi] Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.

[Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.]

[Riker looks puzzled.] What the hell is Microsoft?

[Data turns to answer.] Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

[Picard] But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Wont they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

[Data] Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

[Picard] Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape idea.

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

[Data] Captain, We have successfully installed the Windows in the command unit and, as expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected upgrade.

[Geordi] Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to compensate for their increase.

[Picard] Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.

[Data] Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

[Riker] Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . .

[Geordi, excited] Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !

[Picard] Data, what do your scanners show?

[Data] Apparently the Borg have found the internal Windows module named Solitaire and it has used up all the CPU capacity.

[Picard] Lets wait and see how long this solitaire can reduce their functionality.

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

[Riker] Geordi, whats the status on the Borg?

[Geordi] As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more windows modules from something called the Microsoft fun-pack.

[Picard] How much time will that buy us ?

[Data] Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours.

[Geordi] Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

[Picard] Identify.

[Data] It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo

[Over the speakers] THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS

[Data] The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects.

[Picard] Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft

[Riker] Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!

[Data] I dont believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits

[Riker and Picard together horrified] Lawyers !!

[Geordi] It cant be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

[Data] True, but apparently some must have survived.

[Riker] They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.

[Data] I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It often proves fatal.

[Riker] Theyre tearing the Borg to pieces !

[Picard] Turn off the monitors. I cant stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that.