Old and New Jokes

Some of the things school kids write when they run out of steam while having to go for pass marks during exams make good reading, albeit perhaps painful for the language sticklers. Following are a few quoted truths from teacher Richard Lederers book More Anguished English:

Migration is a headache birds get when they fly south during winter

the Great Wall of China was built to keep out the Mongrels

the Seventh Commandment was Thou shalt not admit adultery

in Christianity a man can have only one wife. This is called monotony.

I have enjoyed my boyhood so much that I am looking forward to my adultery

A Womans Rule of Thumb:

If it has tires or testicles, youre going to have trouble with it.

10. EEEEEKKK!!!!!!9. Exterminator down! Exterminator down! Send backup!!! Extermin…8. The GOOD news is… you have termites.7. Do you happen to have a large net?6. You know, Im also a taxidermist.5. Maam, Im afraid you need to let me take the oatmeal raisin cookies with me.4. FIRE IN THE HOLE!3. Hi, Im Willie Nelson and Ill be your exterminator today.2. Bend over. Your wife, too.1. Shazbot! I accidentally killed Mindy!

Three factory workers were needling a shy co-worker who just returned from his honeymoon.

They each bragged about how many times theyd had sex on their honeymoon.

One said five times, another said seven and a real mach jock claimed hed done it ten times. Punching the shy guy in the chest, he demanded to know how many times he did it.

Blushing and hesitant he answered, We only did it once. My wife wasnt used to it.

choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
the sales people at the local computer store cant answer any of your questions.
you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
you can type 70 words per minute but cant read your own handwriting.
you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
you know what http:// stands for.
you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids toys together.
you see a good design and still have to change it.
you window shop at Radio Shack.
your laptop computer costs more than your car.
your wife hasnt the foggiest idea what you do at work.
youve already calculated how much you make per second.
youve tried to repair a $5 radio.

SYDNEY, Australia – A man who reached for a clove of garlic as a first line of defense against a traffic offense has breathed new life into arguments over what constitutes assault.

Local media reported yesterday that Jeff Pearce was convicted of assault in a Perth court after admitting he had deliberately chewed a clove of garlic and then breathed in a police officers face after being pulled over for a traffic violation.

A section of the local criminal code defines assault as the direct or indirect application of force, including gas or odour, in such a manner as to cause personal discomfort.

Mr. Pearce testified in court that a friend told him the best way to repel police was to chew garlic and breath on them.

Mr. Pearce then kept a clove of garlic on the dashboard of his car for just such an occasion.

But when Mr. Pearce was pulled over by police for a smoking exhaust, the garlic did not prevent his arrest for drunk driving.

He was later charged with assaulting Const. Darren Horn, who told the court he had long endured such jibes as a clove a day keeps the coppers away.

Reuters (from The Ottawa Citizen, April 19, 1997)

Two potatoes are standing on the street corner.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

Its the one with the little sticker that says IDAHO.

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two balls.
Play on the course must be approved by the Owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor Golf, the object is to get the club in the hole, and keep the balls out of the hole.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course Owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before and during play.
Course Owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to ake as many strokes as necessary until the course Owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing th hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admi re the entire course, with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.
Palyers are cautioned *not* to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the Owner of the course being played. (Upset course Owners have been known to damage players equipment.)
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they considered a private course.
Players are advised to obtain permission before playing the back nine.
Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course Owners request.
It is considered outstanding performance to play the same hole several times during one match.
The course Owner shall be sole judge of who is the best player.
Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at one given course. Additional assessment may be leveled by the course Owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares? I dont believe in miracles. I rely on them. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. I hate everybody, and youre next. Please dont make me kill you. I used to be schizophrenic, but were okay now. Im busy. Youre ugly. Have a nice day. Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it. Remember my name — youll be screaming it later. You KNOW you want me. Dont worry. Itll only seem kinky the first time. Of course I dont look busy – I did it right the first time! Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? Im multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time. You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions? You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. All stressed out and no one to choke. Im one of those bad things that happen to good people. How can I miss you if you wont go away? Sorry if I looked interested. Im not. If we are what we eat, Im fast, cheap and easy. Nobody knows Im not wearing underwear. Im out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Why doesnt Texas fall into the Gulf of Mexico?
Because Oklahoma sucks!