Old and New Jokes

How can you tell if a blonde stuffs her bra?

Theyll be square because they forget to take the Klennex out of the box.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A kings castle is his home.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better that no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
As you read the scroll, it vanishes…
Automobile – A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one Ive never tried before.
Brain–the apparatus with which we think that we think.
BATCH – A group, kinda like a herd.
Computer hackers do it all night long.
Computer modelers simulate it first.
Computer programmers dont byte, they nybble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Courage is your greatest present need.
CLEARASOL – Effective sunspot remover.
Death is lifes way of telling you youve been fired.
Death is Natures way of saying slow down.
Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
Documentation is like sex: When its good, its fantastic, when its bad…
Dont force it, get a larger hammer.
Dont hate yourself in the morning–sleep till noon.
Drive defensively–buy a tank.
Earn cash in your spare time–blackmail friends.
Entropy isnt what it used to be.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Familiarity breeds children.
God didnt create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
Herblocks Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
History does not repeat itself–historians merely repeat each other.
Im defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
If you dont change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
If youre not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. Albert Einstein
It works better if you plug it in.
Its not hard to meet expenses, theyre everywhere.
Jury–Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
KODACLONE – duplicating film.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
Lifes a bitch, then you die.
Lynchs Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
MOP AND GLOW – Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
QUARKBAR – the candy with flavour and charm.
QUASIMOTO – 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.
Realitys the only obstacle to happiness.
Screw up your life, youve screwed everything else up.
Silvers law: If Murphys law can go wrong it will.
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
SQWERTY – Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
The road to to success is always under construction.
Those who cant write, write help files.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
TRAPEZOID – A device for catching zoids.
Wasting time is an important part of life.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When in doubt, dont bother.
Xerox does it again and again and again and…
XMODEM – A spot-marking transfer protocol.
YTERM – A terminal program for queries.
When in doubt, ignore it.
Id insult you, but youre not bright enough to notice.

Acknowledge-To: <IRVINMJ@WSUVM1>

[Ed: Lots of people have such lists, but please dont all send them in at once.]

An elderly Frenchman who is a Catholic goes to confession and says to
the Priest, Father, I have been a very bad man. I have come to seek
forgiveness for my sins.

The Priest can see that the man has a great deal on his mind and says,
Tell me what it is my son. It cannot be that bad.

The man replies, In the Second World War a young Jewish lady came to
me and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I did and made a place
for her in the attic.

But my son, replied the Priest, that is an act of great kindness
for which you will be rewarded.

Yes, said the man, but I was lonely and in order to let her stay, I
demanded sexual favors from her.

Oh, I see, said the Priest. But my son, times were so hard then.
You sought solace in the woman you were protecting. You are forgiven.

Thank you, said the man, that has been a great weight off of my
shoulders. While Im here, do you think that I should tell her the war
has ended?

Maries funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating, At last theyre together. At last theyre together.

A mourner whispers, Why are you making such a tumult? She was a tramp even when Nick was alive. Whats with this nonsense…at last theyre together!

The first mourner responds, Im talking about her LEGS! At last theyre together!

A woman and her daughter go to the store to get the daughter a Barbie. At the store, the daughter asks the lady working at the store if Barbie comes with Ken.

She replies, Oh no, Barbie only cums with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken.

Business was terrible at the new whorehouse. Customers were so scarce the madam of the house knew she had to do something to bring in more business.

This has often been described as the oldest business in the world, she said to herself, why shouldnt I advertise just like any business?

She gave an advertising agency a call and a representative came out. Once he understood the problem, he suggested attaching a neon sign to the front of the whorehouse. A lighted sign would be highly visible after dark when most customers would be likely to come around.

He also recommended a sign that displayed the bodies of a man and woman having sex. The representative then said, To guarantee the sign will be an absolute eye-catching success, I insist it must be designed to flash on and off.

Sounds like a great idea to me, the madam replied, except for one thing. Wouldnt it draw a lot more customers if it flashed in and out instead of off and on?

One day a blonde and a redhead were playing together over the redheads house while the redheads father was out. The father had a pet parrot, which he did not let anyone else touch. But, when he left, the girls took him out. The girls were playing with it, when the blonde grabbed the parrot and accidentally ripped out one of its wings. “Now youve done it!” the red head yelled at the blonde. “Go buy him another one just like that, heres some money.” The redhead went into her piggy bank and gave the blonde $50. “Okay,” said the blonde, “but its going to hard to find a parrot with only one wing.”

Why dont blondes like making Kool-Aid? Because they cant fit eight cups of water in the little packet.

A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled up next to her. The man in the car says to her, What do you have in the bag? The blonde replies: I have chickens! The man thinks for a moment and says, If I can guess how many chickens you have in the bag, can I have one? The blonde thinks that it sounds fair and replies, Okay, but Ill make the bet even better! If you can guess how many chickens I have in the bag I will give you BOTH of them!"

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little worried.
"Whats your name, birdie?"
"Moses."
"What dumbass named you Moses?"
"The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus."