How can you tell if a man youre dating is lazy?

He throws his kisses.

How do you describe a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

Its a guy who sits up all night wondering if there is a dog or not.

Why are women like parking spaces?

The best ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

There was a black guy, an Arab, and a Jew on a plane. The plane was too heavy and was going to crash so each man had to empty one thing from the plane while it was in the air…

The Black throws over all of his lugagge.


The Arab throws over his bullets.


And, finally, the Jew throws over the Arab…

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man
doesnt know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

When a reporter asked Bush what he thought about his first hundred days in office he replied Has it been a year already?

One Sunday morning after church, little Maurys family invited the priest to breakfast at their home. His mother asked little Maury what he would like for his breakfast and he replied, I want a lightbulb.

Everyone laughed.

The priest was warmly touched by Maurys funny remark.

Very funny little Maury, said Mom. Now tell me what you want to eat.

I wanna lightbulb, said little Maury.

Mom felt a little irritated with Maury behaving this way in front of their guest. She said sternly, Enough of that, now what do you want to eat?

I wanna lightbulb, Mommy, little Maury said once more.

Mom had enough and said, Now you can go to your room!

The good priest felt he should intervene. Now little Maury, tell us why you want a lightbulb for breakfast.

Maury replied, Well, last night when I went to bed I heard Daddy say to Mommy, Honey, turn out the light and Ill eat that thing.

Did ya hear Roseanne was arrested for dealing drugs???



They lifted her dress and found 50 pounds of crack.

A man was talking to the Lord about women. Lord why did you make women so beautiful?

The answer came, So you would look at them.

Again the man asked, Lord why did you make women so lovely?

The reply came down, So you would love them.

The man asked one more question. Lord, why did you make women so dumb?

The Lord said, So they would love you.

Things Never Said By a Redneck…

1. Oh I just couldnt. Hell, shes only sixteen.

2. Ill take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

3. Duct tape wont fix that.

4. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

5. Come to think of it, Ill have a Heineken.

6. We dont keep firearms in this house.

7. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

8. You cant feed that to the dog.

9. I thought Graceland was tacky.

10. No kids in the back of the pickup, its just not safe.