Old and New Jokes

Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.

Open door and remove cat from closet.

Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc …

Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.

Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.

Remove present from bag.

Remove cat from bag.

Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.

Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.

Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.

Cut second sheet of paper to size – by putting cat in the bag the present came in.

Place present on paper.

Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges dont reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.

Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape.

Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.

Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.

Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cats enthusiastic ribbon chase.

Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.

Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper.

Put present in box, and tie down with string.

Remove sting, open box and remove cat.

Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room.

Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials.

Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock.

Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door)

Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best)

Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last years paper. Remember that you havent got any left because cat helped with this last year as well.

Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.

Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.

Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.

Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.

Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

Go to store and buy a gift bag.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

A: An air bag.

On a real estate agents car: Site-seeing bus.
On the sales lot for mobile homes: Wheel Estate.
In a public utilities office: Were Pleased to Meter You!
In a TV repair shop: Do it yourself – then call us.
In a doctors office: The doctor is very busy – please have your symptoms ready.
In front of a school: In the event of an atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in this school is temporarily suspended.
In an obstetricians office: Pay As You Grow.
At a mechanics shop: Let me brake you, muffle you, and shock you.
On a campus job board: Hotel workers wanted. Only the inn-experienced need apply.
By entrance to a maternity shop: Clothes for the wait conscious.
In a pet shop window: Hare ye! Hare ye! Have Easter bunnies. Hop to it!
On a church bulletin board: Work for the Lord. The pay isnt much, but the retirement plan is out of this world.

Doctor: Did you take the patients temperature? Nurse: No. Is it missing?

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.

After looking over the menu he says, Ill just have the eggs benedict. His order comes a while later and its served on a huge fancy chrome plate.

He asks the waiter, Whats with the fancy plate?

The waiter replies, Theres no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!

She was so blonde…

A doctor had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl.

The head nurse brought them out for their father to see.

He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket. He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally arrived.

As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said, You cant touch those babies. You arent sterile!

With out missing a beat, he retorted Youre telling ME Im not sterile?!

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?

A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300ºC. The Russians used a pencil.

From rough draft of my Top Stories of 1994 Article:

The Chunnel, a $13.3 billion underwater tunnel between England and France, opens for business. Inexplicably, passengers arrive in Paris, but their luggage winds up in the luggage carousel at the new Denver International Airport.
Paula Corbin Jones accuses President Clinton of directing state troopers to lure her into an Arkansas hotel room where he lewdly dropped his trousers and said its clear you want me, cupid. Clinton admits to being in the hotel room, but claims all he said was its the economy, stupid.
Fighting sexual harassment charges, Oregon Senator Bob Packwood refuses to hand over his diaries to the Senate Ethics Committee. He partially capitulates, agreeing to surrender seventeen boxed and indexed sets of his Letters to Penthouse.
Francisco Martin Duran fires 20-30 shots at White House. Fortunately, President Clinton is upstairs watching a football game. Unfortunately, Secret Service agents are downstairs watching some of Justice Clarence Thomas porno tapes, and In The Line of Fire for the millionth time.
Scientists at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory near Chicago report finding the top quark – the sixth and last category of the smallest unit of matter. The celebration lasts until dawn when the drunken mob of pocket-protected Ph.Ds makes a panty raid at the home of Marilyn Vos Savant.
Saudi Arabian Prince al-Waleed bin Talal bin Abdulazia al-Saud rescues Euro-Disney with $439 million in new capital. The amusement park is immediately renamed Prince al-Waleed bin Talal bin Abdulazia al-Saud Land.
Pope John Paul II releases On Reserving Priestly Ordination to Men Alone. Catholic men everywhere get a taste of celibacy for a few angry weeks.
The FDA approves additional genetically enhanced vegetables: 3 tomatoes, 1 squash, 1 potato, and an improved variant of Strom Thurmond.
A federal court forces The Citadel to admit Shannon Faulkner, its first female cadet. Claiming she is only being treated equally, administrators insist she shave her head, wear a jock strap, and put up Kathy Ireland posters.
The Tennessee Health Department confirms its original 1977 Coroners Report which found that Elvis died of heart disease, not a drug overdose. In a press conference at an Iowa Burger King, Elvis announces that he feels vindicated.
A Randolph County, Alabama high school principal cancels the prom over opposition to interracial dating. He receives substantial support from many small-town Alabamans who not only date in their own race, but in their own immediate family.
Womens rights groups are irate upon learning that landmark breast cancer research was performed exclusively on male subjects. Later, activists admit that Fabio does have fairly typical breasts, though a much smaller brain.