Old and New Jokes

SYDNEY, Australia – A man who reached for a clove of garlic as a first line of defense against a traffic offense has breathed new life into arguments over what constitutes assault.

Local media reported yesterday that Jeff Pearce was convicted of assault in a Perth court after admitting he had deliberately chewed a clove of garlic and then breathed in a police officers face after being pulled over for a traffic violation.

A section of the local criminal code defines assault as the direct or indirect application of force, including gas or odour, in such a manner as to cause personal discomfort.

Mr. Pearce testified in court that a friend told him the best way to repel police was to chew garlic and breath on them.

Mr. Pearce then kept a clove of garlic on the dashboard of his car for just such an occasion.

But when Mr. Pearce was pulled over by police for a smoking exhaust, the garlic did not prevent his arrest for drunk driving.

He was later charged with assaulting Const. Darren Horn, who told the court he had long endured such jibes as a clove a day keeps the coppers away.

Reuters (from The Ottawa Citizen, April 19, 1997)

Two potatoes are standing on the street corner.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

Its the one with the little sticker that says IDAHO.

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two balls.
Play on the course must be approved by the Owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor Golf, the object is to get the club in the hole, and keep the balls out of the hole.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course Owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before and during play.
Course Owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to ake as many strokes as necessary until the course Owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing th hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admi re the entire course, with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.
Palyers are cautioned *not* to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the Owner of the course being played. (Upset course Owners have been known to damage players equipment.)
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they considered a private course.
Players are advised to obtain permission before playing the back nine.
Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course Owners request.
It is considered outstanding performance to play the same hole several times during one match.
The course Owner shall be sole judge of who is the best player.
Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at one given course. Additional assessment may be leveled by the course Owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares? I dont believe in miracles. I rely on them. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. I hate everybody, and youre next. Please dont make me kill you. I used to be schizophrenic, but were okay now. Im busy. Youre ugly. Have a nice day. Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it. Remember my name — youll be screaming it later. You KNOW you want me. Dont worry. Itll only seem kinky the first time. Of course I dont look busy – I did it right the first time! Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? Im multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time. You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions? You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. All stressed out and no one to choke. Im one of those bad things that happen to good people. How can I miss you if you wont go away? Sorry if I looked interested. Im not. If we are what we eat, Im fast, cheap and easy. Nobody knows Im not wearing underwear. Im out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Why doesnt Texas fall into the Gulf of Mexico?
Because Oklahoma sucks!

It can be up or down. Its more fun when its up, but it makes it hard to
get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think
thats the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for
fun most of the time.

Once youve started playing with it, its hard to stop. Some people would
just play with it all day if they didnt have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this
interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes its hard
to tell what kind of person youre dealing with until its too late.

If you dont apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much,
youll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and
influence warrant.

Some folks have it, some dont. Those who have it would be devastated if it
were ever cut off. They think that those who dont have it are somehow
inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who dont
have it may agree that its a nifty toy, but think its not worth the fuss
that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who dont have
it would like to try it.

If youre not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will
warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself, Why on earth did I do
that??

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do
the same damn dumb things it did before.

Drink at age…

17 … beer

25 … beer

35 … vodka

48 … double vodka

66 … Maalox

Seduction line at age…

17 … My parents are away for the weekend.

25 … My girlfriend is away for the weekend.

35 … My fiancee is away for the weekend.

48 … My wife is away for the weekend.

66 … My second wife is dead.

Favorite sport at age…

17 … sex

25 … sex

35 … sex

48 … sex

66 … napping

Drug at age…

17 … pot

25 … coke

35 … really good coke

48 … power

66 … coke, a limousine, the company jet

Definition of a successful date at age…

17 … tongue

25 … breakfast

35 … She didnt set back my therapy.

48 … I didnt bump into her kids.

66 … Got home alive.

Favorite Fantasy at age…

17 … getting to third

25 … airplane sex

35 … menage a trois

48 … taking his company public

66 … Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

The ideal age to get married at age…

17 … 25

25 … 35

35 … 48

48 … 66

66 … 17

House pet at age…

17 … roaches

25 … stoned-out college roommate

35 … Irish setter

48 … children from his first marriage

66 … Barbi

Ideal date at age…

17 … Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in

25 … Split the check before we go back to my place

35 … Just come over.

48 … Just come over and cook.

66 … sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he sees

Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, You Chinese people

bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here.

The astonished Chinese man

replied, It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese.

Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese your all the same, replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says, You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.

Shocked, Spielberg replies, It

was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.

The Chinese man, replies,

Iceberg, Spielberg, Carsberg, youre all the same.

Hey, this is a nude beach. I aint getting in that cold water! — Shrinkaphobia

Get that *^%#*# vodka bottle away from me!! — Carmenelectraphobia

Hes coming straight for us – with his left turn signal on! — Oldfartophobia

You have to push Start to turn the damn computer off?! — Windophobia

I wont go to your frat house to eat gyros and watch a tape of the Israel Philharmonic Orchestra on your old Sony VCR! — ThetaFetaMetaBetaphobia

No!! Dont call the plumber!!! — Buttcrackaphobia

No, I dont want to watch Friends. That blonde chick freaks me out. — Phoebephobia

Um, Doctor, why are you putting on that rubber glove? — Probeophobia

Youre busy Saturday? Well, how about next weekend then? — Rentanotherpornophobia

Its NOT my imagination! Senator Helms is looking at me that way again! — Homophobophobia

Honey, I bought a Corvette! — Smallpenisphobia

A burglar enters a home and is greeted by Jesus is watching!
He shines his flashlight around and finds no one.
He takes another step to hear Jesus is watching you.
This time he shines the light to discover a parrot.
He asks, Was that you talking ?
The parrot answers Yes.
The burglar asks, What is your name?
The parrot replies, Clarence.
The burglar asks, What idiot named you Clarence?
The parrot replies, The same idiot that named the Doberman Jesus.