How do you catch a polar bear in Alaska?

First you go out and cut a hole in the ice. Then, you line the hole

with peas. When the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the

ice-hole.

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter? If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? What do chickens think we taste like? What do people in China call their good plates? What do you call a male ladybug? What hair color do they put on the drivers license of a bald man? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? How is it possible to have a civil war? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of assteroids? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have a s in it? If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

You might be a redneck if…
Youre still scalping tickets after the concert is over

Ramesh asked his classmate “Do you know how to keep a bewakoof (dunce) in suspense.”

“No, you tell me.”

”I’ll tell you another day.”

Human body summoned a meeting. (Everybody attends meetings – why the body shouldnt?)

Brain was the chairman.

I need to go to a spa, uttered Heart.

Why? asked Brain.

I had two attacks, the stress endangers me.

Well, go to rest in the spa, decided Brain.

We need spa too, declared Lungs. We smoke forty cigarettes a day, and breathe smog. We need it.

OK, you will get spa.

Suddenly a thin voice appeared: I need spa too.

Whos that? shouted Brain. Stand up!

I wouldnt need spa if I could…

It seems God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said, Adam, come over here and sit down!. And Adam did so.

Adam, spoke the Creator, I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely. Adam said nothing in response. So, continued the Lord, I am going to create an alternate person who will be with you! Adam just looked puzzled but interested. This person, said the Lord, will take all the raw and tasteless food that you are currently ruining and will prepare wonderful, spicy, and tasty dishes. Adam looked grateful. This person, said the Lord, will be beautiful to behold and graceful and interesting to watch as she walks. Adam looked thoughtful. This person, emphasized the Lord,will be able to satisfy all those dreams that you currently are having! Adam really looked relieved. And, lastly, said the Lord, She will obey your every whim and desire and order with cheerfulness. Adam was really impressed and finally spoke.

O.K., Lord, but what is this going to cost me? An arm and a leg, said the Almighty.

Well, Adam then said, What can I get for a rib?

Q:Knock Knock Whos There Arentcha Aretcha Who A:Arentcha You Gonna Get Back To Work.

No, Windows is not a virus. Heres what viruses do:

They replicate quickly — okay, Windows does that.

Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down
the system as they do so — okay, Windows does that.

Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk —
okay, Windows does that, too.

Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along
with valuable programs and systems. Sigh… Windows does
that, too.

Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their
system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new
hardware. Yup, thats with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are
running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and
efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they
mature.

So, Windows is not a virus…

Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.

They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, IS THERE A GOD?

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones.

One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer.

There is now, read the printout.

The next time someone starts quoting statistics at you, just remind them
that 78% of people who quote statistics make them up.