Old and New Jokes

One day there were three boys walking down the street, and suddenly they heard cries for help. When the boys got to the noise they saw George W. Bush in a lake drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning.Dubya asked the boys how he could ever repay him. The first boy said, "I want a boat."The second boy said, "I want a truck."And the third boy said, "I want three tombstones with our names all on them."Dubya asked, "Why is that, son?" The little boy said, "Because when my Dad finds out that we saved you, he is going to kill us all!"

How to Tell if Youre a Grinch



This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Years resolutions:



1. You reuse last years Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).



2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbors outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbors whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).



3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).



4. You put out last years stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.



5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdales or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).



6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas Day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.



7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).



8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points).



9. After an invitation to a friends house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).



10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).



Evaluate your score on the Grinch Scale from 20 to 100:



20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

A man calls home to his wife and says, Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
Well be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion Ive been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and
tackle box. Were leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didnt you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?The wife replies; I did, they were in your tackle box.

John and Marie (both unmarried) went to the same church. Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. John went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of
the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie and he
noticed what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday? Why yes, John, that would be nice, said Marie.Well, John couldnt believe his luck. All week long he polished up his
car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest
restaurant in town. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner? Oh, no, John,said Marie. What would I tell my Sunday School class? Well, John was setback a bit, so he didnt say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. Hey, Marie, said John, would you like a smoke? Oh, no, John, said Marie. What would I tell my Sunday School class? Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. Hed struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. Hey, Marie, said John, how would you like to stop at this motel with me? Sure, John, that would be nice, said Marie. Well, John couldnt believe his luck. He made a U-turn right then and there across the median and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie. The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed.
What have I done? What have I done? thought John. He shook Marie and she woke up. Marie, Ive got to ask you one thing, said John. What are you going
to tell your Sunday School class?! Marie said, The same thing I always tell them… You dont have to smoke

There was this Irishman and he went into the pet shop and asked the owner if he had any budgies? The pet shop owner showed him multitudes of the beautiful coloured birds. How many do you have? asked the Irishman.

Well, we have a hundred all together said the owner. Ill take them all! Said the Irishman. Well, the Irishman just so happened to be wearing a very special waistcoat, with 100 little pockets in the front, and into each one he put one of the colourful little Budgies.

The Irishman then left the shop took a taxi to the Post Office Tower in London, took the lift to the top, stood on the roof an jumped off!

Well, you can imagine what happened! Kersplat! The Irishman landed in a heap at the bottom!

His friend Shamus, who had gone with the man, rushed up to his stricken friend shouting, Paddy, Paddy, what did you do that for???

And his friend Paddy croaked, Jesus, Shamus, this Budgie Jumpings not all its cracked up to be!

A: Pregnant.

Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss.

After pulling a ditsy temp secretary off phone duty (she put my phone number instead of the callers on phone messages), I assigned her to something safe: labeling files.

This task did not include the filing itself, which would have required a thorough grasp of the alphabet; it only involved affixing colorful self-adhesive labels to the outside edge of each file indicating the contract number. She cheerfully labeled throughout the afternoon, completing 150 files.

The next day, my regular secretary asked why our files had been sealed closed with colorful self-adhesive labels.

a giraffe

(think about it)

Above the urinal, written on the wall:
Why are you looking up here? The joke is in your hand!

Just received this from my friend Sathyakama. He got it from /etc/fortune

If you dont understand Unix you will miss most (if not all) of this joke. Apologies in advance. To the rest, read on and laugh on! I was ROTFL!

The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps.

Members will grep each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od.

Three days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-friendly features of Unix.

Seminars include

Everything You Know is Wrong, led by Tom Kempson
Batman or Cat:man? led by Richie Dennis
cc C? Si! Si! led by Kerwin Bernighan
and
Document Unix, Are You Kidding? led by Jan Yeats.

No Reader Service No. is necessary because all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell them.

— Dr. Dobbs Journal, June 84