The Female always makes THE RULES.
THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must
immediately change some of THE RULES.
The Female is never wrong.
If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant
misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for
causing the misunderstanding.
The Female can change her mind at any time.
The Male must never change his mind without the express written
consent of The Female.
The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to
be angry or upset.
The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she
wants him to be angry or upset.
The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not
what she said.
If the Male doesnt abide by THE RULES, it is because he cant
take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the
Male must cater to her every whim.
Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule
#5.

These are alledged to be some actual maintenance complaints submitted
by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem #1: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution #1: #2 Propeller seepage normal.
Problem #2: #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesnt.
Signed off: IT DOES NOW.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: Thats what theyre there for.

Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

[Ed: forwarded by the submitter, making the rounds in a very big way,
supposedly from a USAF public board]

Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.

Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa.

Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

When someone says Have a good day!, tell them that you have other plans.

Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.

Make a list of things to do that youve already done.

Dance naked in front of your pets.

Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as if nothings wrong.

Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman Numerals.

Tattoo Out to Lunch on your forehead.

Tape pictures of your boss on watermellons and pumpkins and launch them from high places.

Leaf through a National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.

Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.

Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss significant other.

Pay your electric bill in pennies.

Drive to work in reverse.

Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of The Flintstones during that important finance meeting.

Refresh yourself: put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.

Tell your boss to blow it out his mule and let him figure it out.

Polish your car with ear wax.

Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to your.

Bill your doctor for the time spent in the waiting room.

Braid the hair in each nostril.

Write a short story, using Alphabet Soup.

Lie on your back eating celery … using your navel as a salt dipper.

Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend theyre in jail.

Make up a language and ask for directions.

A young Jewish man moves out to the city to live in a studio apartment. Before he left his mom gave him 2 dress shirts as a going away gift. One was blue and one was cream colored.

His mother was very nervous and wouldnt stop calling him to ask thim to move back home from the ghetto. The young man invited his mom over to dinner the next week in order to show her that the neighborhood was safe.

She arrived on time with dad and a shopping bag full of food (because she was sure he was starving).

When he opened the door his mom frowned. The young man was worried and asked, Mom, whats wrong?


She replied, Whats the matter, you didnt like the other shirt?

• Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
  

• You ski uphill.
  

• You get a speeding ticket even when youre parked.
  

• You speed walk in your sleep.
  

• You answer the door before people knock.
  

• You havent blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  

• You just completed another sweater and you dont know how to knit.
  

• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  

• Jai alai plays as slow as a seniors golf tournament to you.
  

• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  

• You sleep with your eyes open.
  

• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without
  using the timer.
  

• You listen to speed metal to relax.
  

• Youve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  

• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  

• You chew on other peoples fingernails.
  

• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  

• Youre so jittery people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
  

• You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
  

• You can jump start your car without cables.
  

• Cocaine is a downer.
  

• You dont need a hammer to pound in nails.
  

• Your only source of nutrition comes from sweet & low.
  

• You buy milk by the barrel.
  

• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  

• You walk twenty miles on the treadmill before realizing its
  not plugged in.
  

• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  

• Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
  

• People get dizzy just watching you.
  

• The Tasters Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  

• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  

• Youve melted away your fillings.
  

• People can test their batteries in you ears.
  

• Your face is on a Colombian postage stamp.
  

• Your lifes goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
  

• Lightning strikes you and it gets perked up.
  

• Commodity traders use you to predict the world coffee market.
  

• Instant coffee takes too long.
  

• You channel surf faster without the remote.
  

• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
  

• You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
  

• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  

• You ride an exercise bike to work.
  

• You can outlast the energizer bunny.
  

• You short out motion detectors.
  

• You dont even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  

• You can play ping pong without a partner.
  

• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  

• Your blood type is c8-h10-n4-o2.
  

• You made provisions in your will for your coffee supply.
  

• You tear open bean bags just to make sure.
  

• You use coffee flavored mouthwash.
  

• You constantly speak like an auctioneer.
  

• Your children dont come near you until youve had your
  first cup.
  

• The stewardess hands you the whole pot.
  

• You have coffee stains on your fingers.
  

• You meditate while listening to your natural sounds of
  coffee brewing CD.
  

• The Betty Ford clinic opened a coffee ward just for you.
  

• You had to remove your car stereo to make room for your
  cup holder.
  

• You carry a spare mug in your trunk.
  

• You lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of
  iced coffee to get you in the mood.
  

• You help your dog chase its tail.
  

• You coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
  

• Without you, the US would not be the worlds leading coffee consumer.
  

• You think CPR stands for coffee provides resuscitation.
  

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beerhall.

One of them says, Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick.

How did you get it fixed?

Well I just dipped my finger in the cows vagina and rubbed it all over the bulls nose and he got right after her.

Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cows vagina and rubs it all around the bulls nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.

That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and cant get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wifes vagina and feeling that its nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, Honey, look!

She rolls over, turns on the light and says, You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?

This is making the rounds here…

Duke University Medical Center is reporting an unusual occurrence in the
Obstetrics department: a child was born with both male and female organs.

A penis and a brain.

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry". He has been around forever, so I wouldnt put it past him to come up with something like this.Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didnt make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didnt have a spare and couldnt get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their story. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page…WHICH TIRE? (95 points)

A young man in high school was falling behind in his classes, he was also getting into other trouble(fights, drugs, sex, etc). His family was rather religious so they asked thier local priest to talk to thier child. Thier conversation went something like this;Priest: Son, why are you falling behind in school?
Kid: I was just following the bible father.
Priest: …any paticular part?
Kid: The book of procrastination.
Priest: …I dont quite remember that one…
Kid: of course not, God never got around to putting it in.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. She tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

Snow White relents and says, When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around.

Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the splash, they turn around and see Snow White naked.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?
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Scroll down for the answer.
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Keep scrolling down for the answer.
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Come on now, this should be easy for a person of your mental powers!
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Keep scrolling down.
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SEVEN UP!!!