Old and New Jokes

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wifes been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wifes been in an accident.

They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.

Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

Mr. Jones? the doctor asks.

Yes sir, whats happened? How is my wife?

The doctor sits next to him and says, Not good news. Your wifes accident resulted in two fractures of her spine.

Oh my God says Mr. Jones, what will be her prognosis?

Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. Shell have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her.

Mr. Jones begins to sob.

And youll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

Then, of course, the doctor continued, youll have to diaper her as shell have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day.

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: And youll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as shell have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often Im afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent shell be emitting regularly.

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says –

Hey, Im just messinging with you, dude…

You dont have to do all that stuff – shes dead!

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend. Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death. His wife said, Yknow, if you go on like this, youre going to lose all your friends.

A very popular girl (the town whore) went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.

The doctor says, I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?

The girl thought and then asked, Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you fart?

1.) Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you dont have a phone. 2.) Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!. Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones. 3.) Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (ie: chairs, books, lamps, etc.) 4.) Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, Mine are full of bodies, then stutter and say, I uh mean other garbage. walk away laughing hysterically. 5.) Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that there is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards. 6.) At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, looks like theyre on the move again. 7.) When theyre watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too. 8.) Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbours. Each day hack off a different part of their body. 9.) Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.) 10.) Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household applainces.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

The couple had split-up a few months ago, but still remained good friends, which worked out pretty good, since they lived in the same apartment building.

The man slipped on the ice and broke his arm. He met his ex-girlfriend in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help.

He said, Well, if its not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?

She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear.

Now isnt that sweet, she cooed. Look Henry, it still recognizes me.

Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon, to school, as a present
for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess what was inside.
Chocolates? she asked.

Nope.

A Cake? Johnny shook his head No. Then the teacher noticed some liquid
dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put
the finger in her mouth, then said, Ah, I know-dill pickles.

No, Johnny said, its a puppy.

Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW?

A: Four. Two in front, two in back.

Q: How can you tell if you have an elephant in your fridge?

A: All the Jell-o is gone

Q: How can you tell if you have two elephants in your fridge?

A: All the Jell-o is gone, and theres tracks in the butter

Q: How can you tell if you have three elephants in your fridge?

A: All the Jell-o is gone, theres tracks in the butter, and the roast is half eaten.

Q: How can you tell if there are four elephants in your fridge?

A: Theres a VW parked out front.

Top Twenty Countdown of the Best Oxymorons…

#20 Found missing #19 Resident alien #18 Airline food #17 Same difference #16 Government organization #15 Sanitary landfill #14 Alone together #13 Business ethics #12 Sweet sorrow #11 Military intelligence #10 Plastic glasses #9 Terribly pleased #8 Definite Maybe #7 Pretty Ugly #6 Computer Security #5 Political science #4 Diet ice cream #3 Working vacation #2 Exact estimate #1 Microsoft Works

My brother and I took a few road trips across the Missouri-Kansas-Colorado strip over the years. Alan really liked to stop at Mcdonalds for lunch. Hed get a large Iced-Tea to go.

About fifty to eighty miles down the road, wed pull into the next McDonalds, and go through the drive-thru. At that time, McDonalds would give free refills for iced tea. And that is what my brother would order! One time, he got seven (7) refills, starting in Lawrence, Kansas, and going all the way to Denver, for a drink he bought in Kansas City!

This was during those HOT summers, and anyone who has driven I-70 across Kansas in August knows exactly what I mean!