Old and New Jokes

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

The couple had split-up a few months ago, but still remained good friends, which worked out pretty good, since they lived in the same apartment building.

The man slipped on the ice and broke his arm. He met his ex-girlfriend in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help.

He said, Well, if its not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?

She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear.

Now isnt that sweet, she cooed. Look Henry, it still recognizes me.

Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon, to school, as a present
for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess what was inside.
Chocolates? she asked.

Nope.

A Cake? Johnny shook his head No. Then the teacher noticed some liquid
dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put
the finger in her mouth, then said, Ah, I know-dill pickles.

No, Johnny said, its a puppy.

Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW?

A: Four. Two in front, two in back.

Q: How can you tell if you have an elephant in your fridge?

A: All the Jell-o is gone

Q: How can you tell if you have two elephants in your fridge?

A: All the Jell-o is gone, and theres tracks in the butter

Q: How can you tell if you have three elephants in your fridge?

A: All the Jell-o is gone, theres tracks in the butter, and the roast is half eaten.

Q: How can you tell if there are four elephants in your fridge?

A: Theres a VW parked out front.

Top Twenty Countdown of the Best Oxymorons…

#20 Found missing #19 Resident alien #18 Airline food #17 Same difference #16 Government organization #15 Sanitary landfill #14 Alone together #13 Business ethics #12 Sweet sorrow #11 Military intelligence #10 Plastic glasses #9 Terribly pleased #8 Definite Maybe #7 Pretty Ugly #6 Computer Security #5 Political science #4 Diet ice cream #3 Working vacation #2 Exact estimate #1 Microsoft Works

My brother and I took a few road trips across the Missouri-Kansas-Colorado strip over the years. Alan really liked to stop at Mcdonalds for lunch. Hed get a large Iced-Tea to go.

About fifty to eighty miles down the road, wed pull into the next McDonalds, and go through the drive-thru. At that time, McDonalds would give free refills for iced tea. And that is what my brother would order! One time, he got seven (7) refills, starting in Lawrence, Kansas, and going all the way to Denver, for a drink he bought in Kansas City!

This was during those HOT summers, and anyone who has driven I-70 across Kansas in August knows exactly what I mean!

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

Thats unfair! he cried. I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.

Shut up, barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

Who are you to question that womans punishment?

I was in my local pub a few weeks ago when a stranger walked in with a big ostrich behind him. He grabbed a stool at the end of the bar, and as he sat down a small cat jumped up on the stool beside him. Seamus went over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and asked, What can I get you folks?

The man said, Ill have a pint of best, and turned to the ostrich. Whats yours?

Ill have a pint as well replied the ostrich.

The stranger looked at the cat and said, I suppose you want a drink too.

The cat responded, Ill have a half, but I aint fookin payin!

So Seamus pulled two and a half pints, and says Thatll be four pounds forty, please.

The man reached into his pocket, felt around and, to both the landlords and my surprise, pulled out exactly the right change. A while later, the same thing happened, and the man pulled the exact amount out of the same pocket.

The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat returned. Ill have a pint of best, said the man.

Same for me, piped up the ostrich, and the cat ordered up a half. But I aint fookin payin!

Repeat of the previous day. The bloke paid each time with the exact amount from his pocket.

This became almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio entered again. Usual? asked Seamus.

Well, said the man, its close to last orders. Ill have a large scotch. He turned to the ostrich inquiringly.

The bird said, Ill have a large scotch as well.

The cat said, Ill have a small scotch, but I aint fookin payin!

The publican rang up the drinks and turned, with a sly grin. Thatll be seven pounds ninety, please. To his amazement, the man pulled the exact seven pounds ninety out of his pocket.

As the trio were finishing their drinks, Seamus could contain his curiosity no longer. Excuse me, sir, but before you leave theres something I must know. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket … every time?

Well, its a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

Thats fantastic, said our host. What did you wish for?

Well, whenever I need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there.

Thats brilliant observed Seamus, most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but youll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live.

Thats right, whether its a pint of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!

By this time my curiosity finally got the better of me, so I chimed in, One last thing, sir. Err, your friends there … We dont get many cats drinking in here, and as for the ostrich …

The man looked glum. Yes, I know. Thats probably the worst thing I ever did, but Im stuck with em. You see, for my second wish from the genie I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:CANT WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell Im going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine,again.I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
… without you in it.DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We havent had a fight in a while.NO, PIZZAS FINE.
… you cheap slob!I JUST DONT WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just dont want you as a boyfriend now.I DONT KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I cant believe you have nothing planned.COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.I LIKE YOU, BUT…
I dont like you.OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
… just not in that way.YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.WERE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
Im not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.ILL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
Im ready, but Im going to make you wait because I know you will.OH, NO, ILL PAY FOR MYSELF.
Im just being nice; theres no way Im going dutch.OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.IM JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
Were gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

You must be a redneck if you are riding your riding lawnmower…

And pulling your pushmower at the same time to get your yard mowed.