Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to iron, then we could

do without the ironing lady.

Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do

without the gardener.

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
You, sir, are drunk! And you maam, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!

DEFINING SOCIETIES VIA THE OWNERSHIP OF 2 COWS

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair Cowgate.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps brains and they go mad. The government doesnt do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of ownership is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, theres like . . . these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Yo mamas just like hockey players.Only showers after 3 periods.

Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss

A couple of years ago at college, I went to the library to get a signed statement that I did not have any unpaid library fines. This was required to get my exam results. The woman at the counter wrote down my name and student ID followed by, does not have any fines at the libara. She crossed off the last word and tried again with liberery, then crossed that out and wrote here.

I wonder what she uses as her job title?

The Cajuns heard Saddam Hussein was going to help Osama bin Laden and they decided this is WAR! Saddam was sitting in his bunker when his telephone rang.

Hallo! Mr. Hussein, a heavily accented voice said. This is Boudreaux down at the Freds lounge in Mamou, Looziannah. Im callin to tol you we be officially declarin war on you!

Well, Boudreaux, Saddam replied, This is indeed important news! How big is your army?

Rat now, said Boudreaux, (hesitating) there is me, my cousin Thibadeaux, my nex door neighbor Justain, and the whole bunch from the bar. That makes us eight!

Saddam paused. I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.

Woo-eee! said Boudreaux. I gots to call you back later!

Sure enough, the next day, Boudreaux called again. Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We got us some war equipment!

And what equipment would that be, Boudreaux? Saddam asked.

Well, we got us two combines, a dozer, and a farm tractor.

Saddam sighed. I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, Ive increased my army to 1.5 million since we last spoke.

E-yiee! said Boudreaux. I gots to get back to you later.

Sure enough, Boudreaux rang again the next day. Mr. Hussein, da war still be on! We got ourselves some airborne! Weve took Marcells utra-light glider an we put us a shotgun in the cockpit, and Hebert gots out of jail today and he is gonna join our army too!

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites and since we last spoke, Ive increased my army to TWO MILLION!

Ah-yie-yie! screams Boudreaux, I gots ta call you back later.

Sure enough, Boudreaux calls again the next day. Bon jour, Sad-damn! I so sorry I gots to toll you we is callin off dis war.

Im sorry to hear that, said Saddam. Why the sudden change of heart?

Well, said Boudreaux, we all had a long talk at the bar and Sheriff Broussard he say no way hes gonna feed no two million prisoners.

Q: Why didnt the sanitary pads say hello to the Tampax?

A: Because the Tampax were stuck-up cunts!

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While
several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the
customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their
wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams
something in lawyer number twos hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, What is this? to which
lawyer number one replies, Its that $50 I owe you.

Three questions to ask an alien before having sex:

(1) Are you carrying any diseases which might be communicable
to humans?

(2) Have you had sex with any high-risk partners in the past
six months?

(3) Which one is your mouth?

Galen.

386: No, 486: Oops, Pentium: The only chip to consider if youre thinking of
buying a PC. Until Intel ramps up the 686.

640K: The salary the average Wall Street PC analyst pulls in each year.

Algorithm: A catchy 1930 song by George and Ira Gershwin.

Availability: Date when a dozen copies of the beta version will be hurriedly
shrink-wrapped for the benefit of the press and the investment community.

Backup: The chore you were really, honestly, going to do the very next thing
before you switched drive letters and accidentally copied older, out-of-date
versions of you files over all your newer ones at 3 a.m.

Buffer: The only other job – involving a chamois at the car wash – for which
most computer store salespeople are qualified.

Bundled software: Free applications like home dentistry packages and Esperanto
spelling dictionaries that are thrown in with cheap clones so you think youre
getting real value for your money.

CD-ROM: A $30 dollar mechanism in a $300 cabinet that accesses vast quantities
of valuable information too slowly to use.

Copy protection: A sly technique employed by hardware vendors to combat
software piracy by continually changing the size and compatibility of disk
drives (from 160K to 320K to 360K to 1.2MB to 720K to 1.44MB to 2.88MB, etc.).

CP/M: An antiquated operation system from the early days of computing, based
on inscrutable prompts like A>, terse commands, and absurdly backward
conventions, such as 11-character limits on filenames. Contrasted with todays
modern versions of DOS.

Database, flat-file: A program selling for under $500 that most people use to
keep lists of names and addresses, etc.

Database, relational/programmable: A program selling for over $500 that most
people use to keep lists of names and addresses, etc.

Debugging: The process of uncovering glitches by packaging prerelease software
as finished products, then waiting for irate customers to report problems.

Downward compatibility: You really didnt have to spend the money for the
upgraded version, since all you use anyway is the old set of features.

End User: One born every minute.

Entry level: Only slightly above most users heads.

Expanded memory: RAM that is, uh, well, um, different from extended memory.

Expansion slot: The computer didnt come with everything you needed.

Extended memory: RAM that is, uh, well, um, different from expanded memory.

FAX: Originally a last resort for procrastinators who missed the final Federal
Express pickup; these days, an expensive way to order lunch from the pizza
place around the corner.

Firmware: Software with permanent bugs hardwired into it.

Icon: One picture is worth a thousand lawsuits. Or, as Shakespeare might have
put it, He who steals my trash better have a large purse.

Installation routine: A process employed by many applications to overwrite and
thereby trash the users existing and painstakingly created AUTOEXEC.BAT and
CONFIG.SYS files

Interface, character-based: A way of presenting information to the user thats
every bit as good as a user interface except in the areas of readability, ease
of use, intuitiveness, and productivity.

Interface, graphic user (GUI): An increasingly popular way of presenting
information to the user, originally designed by Xerox PARC and now being
adopted by dozens of competitors; otherwise known as the Trial Attorney Full
Employment Act.

Laptop: A dinky keyboard wedded to a lousy LCD screen, all with bad battery
life.

Live links: A clever system that lets you unknowingly corrupt data in lots of
separate files at the same time.

Low-bandwidth: The process of talking to a corporate press relations official.
(Question: How many IBM PR types does it take to change a light bulb? Answer:
Well have to get back to you on that.)

Nanosecond: The time it takes after your warranty expires for your hard disk
to start making a sound like a monkey wrench in a blender.

NiCad battery: A cell that powers a laptop long enough to let you do three
solid hours of work, then dies before youre ready to save any of it to disk.

Open system: Made up of parts from different manufacturers so that, when you
crash, each vendor can blame the others.

Optional: It should have come free, but someone in the marketing department
ran 1-2-3 and figured theyd double their profits this way.

Parity: A ninth memory bit that one time in nine will crash an otherwise
perfectly functioning system when it detects an error in itself.

Partition: A wall you have to build around a noisy dot matrix printer that
makes only slightly less noise than a tree chipper.

Point-and-shoot: You mean youd rather click on a menu choice than have to
type things like DEVICE=DOSUTSDRIVER.SYS /D:0 /T:80 /S:15 /H:2 /F:1 ?

Power Surge: What an MIS director feels when he denies you access to your own
database.

Power user: Someone whos read the manual all the way through once.

Productivity: Printing out 30 different versions of your document before
getting the spacing correct.

Real-time clock: A 50-dollar option based on a five-cent chip.

SAA: Silly And Awkward.

Shell: A clumsy program that forces users to stumble through ten menus to get
anything done instead of typing a simple three-character command.

Shock-mounted: Make sure youre sitting down when you ask the price.

Spreadsheet: Sophisticated software that can be used as a database,
rudimentary word processor, graphing program, and, in a pinch, a ledger.

Stack: The place in the corner of the room where you pile unopened software
manuals.

Standard: Manufactured by the company that does the flashiest advertising.

Support: Fast, simple, courteous, friendly, accurate help available to any
user who happens to work for any company that bought 1,000 copies of the
product.

Throughput: What you feel like doing with your foot and your computer screen
after you see the message General Failure Error Reading Drive C:.

Toll-free hotline: An AT&T busy-signal test number.

Toner cartridge: A device to refill laser printers; invented by the
Association of American Dry Cleaners.

Torture test: Everyone – from the FedEx guy to the clerk who opened the box to
the trainee who executed the speed test – accidentally dropped it.

Tutorial: A program that forces you to sit through lessons on every last
obscure and little-used feature of an application while ignoring overall
fundamental tricks that would make you far more productive.

Unix, year of: See Calendar, perpetual.

Value-added: A lot more expensive.

Virus: Commonly, the belief of incompetent users that some mysterious external
force is to blame for their mistakes at the keyboard.

Workstation: Any PC that sells for more than $10,000.

XT: All the computer that most users who just type letters and run typical
spreadsheets will ever need, even though a 386 machine will reformat their text
a whole tenth of a second faster.