Old and New Jokes

I heard this one from a dissident that our local Amnesty International
group got out:

Through the center of Czechoslovakia there a train speeding along. In one
compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young
woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident.

Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel.

It is completely dark.

Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap.

When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his
face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.

The old matronly woman thinks : Now thats a fine young woman, the Russian
soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!

The young woman is thinking : Now thats a strange Russian soldier, hed
rather kiss that old hag than me.

The Russian soldier is thinking : Now thats a smart Czech, he steals the kiss
and I get slapped.

And the Czech dissident is thinking : Gee Im smart! We go through the
tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a
Russian soldier.

Steven R Weintraub

if someone is wearing a piece of jewlery, you sayHEY, THATS NICE, …I WAS GONNA GET THAT , BUT THE MACHINE ATE MY QUARTER

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy — Either way, you get your dog back!

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, How was I born?

Well honey… said the slightly prudish parent, the stork brought you to us.

Oh, said the boy. Well, how did you and daddy get born? he asked.

Oh, the stork brought us too.

Well how were grandpa and grandma born? he persisted.

Well darling, the stork brought them too! said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasnt been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.

Q: Whats the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?A: Lipstick.

The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

Whats wrong Marge? she asked.

Marge told her that she had morning sickness.

Surprised, the neighbor said, I didnt even know you were pregnant!

Im not. the harried young woman replied. Im just damn sick of mornings.

What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.

Dont sweat the petty things, and dont pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One nice thing about egotists: They dont talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think theyre listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If youre born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we cant shoot at them?

Obsessive cyberflirt, actually 47 years old and hasnt left her house in weeks but feels loved because she has 300 AOLers chasing her.
Odinist Mafiosi dominatrix gangsters moll, in Norway and bored because she hasnt shed any blood in THREE DAYS, let alone killed anyone.
Cyberspace Jaye Davidson, considers himself trapped in a mans body but wont admit it.
Illiterate bimbo, knows how to use the SHOUT command on MUDs and nothing else.
Smirking college student who thinks its so fun to tease men, and does nothing but IRC on #hotsex because shes the star of the show. Uses the name of one of her sorority sisters so that the losers who track her down dont pester HER.
AOL hacker-wannabe. Will sleep with anyone who can tell her about Kevin Mitnick.
Bored grad students AI routine blonde.c
Kibo.
Achmed Darsein, who is cleverly disguising himself as a woman in order to learn about the USA and blow up the World Trade Center again. Your first clue should be that he refers to Clinton as The Great Satan. Also makes frequent references to his veil.
Rush Limbaughs new wife, who is already quite fed up with him and spends all her time online because Rush cant stop flapping his jaw. Your first clue should be that she refers to Clinton as The Great Satan. Also makes frequent references to her husbands beer belly.

– by Sky Kruse

What is the thing that you keep on looking for and when you find it you throw it away?

A booger.