Old and New Jokes

A doctor pulls out a thermometer from his shirt pocket. He looks at it and says, Shit, some asshole has my pen!!!

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,

Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy –

Either way, you get your dog back!

You might be a redneck if…
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

Heres a sure-fire set of tests to check your parenting abilitites.

This is about as close as you can get to the real deal! 🙂

MESS TEST – Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST – Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST – Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST – Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST – Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST – Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST – Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST – Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women) – Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men) – Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT – Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and childs table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, Sorry, sir, but youre only allowed one seat. The man groaned but didnt budge. The usher became impatient. Sir, the usher said, if you dont get up from there Im going to have to call the manager. Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.All right buddy, whats your name?Sam, the man moaned. Where ya from, Sam? the cop asked. The balcony.

What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?

She sticks it in the microwave.

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his fathers Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didnt punish him ?

One Student: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

This young guy comes into the office/wagon of the circus master: I can climb up the center pole and dive off into space, NO NET, land on my head in center ring, and jump up and take a bow. How bout them apples?

How much are you asking for this spectacle? asks the circus master.

Just 200 bucks a show, says the young guy.

I dont know. Ill have to see it first, says the circus master.

The acrobat climbs up, dives off, lands on his head, and jumps up and waves, although a bit wobbly.

OK, for 200 bucks a shot, its a deal, says the circus master.

Oh, no! Not 200! 500! says the acrobat.

What? You said 200!

I know I said 200, but that was before I tried it!

4 surgeons were in the doctors lounge talking.

The first one said, I like operating on librarians because when you open them up, their parts are alphebetized. The second one said, I prefer working on Accountants because you open them up, and everything is numbered. The third Surgeon said, I really like operating on mechanics because they understand if you have parts left over.

The Fourth said, I like working on Lawyers. everone else asked why?.

He said, You open them up, and you find they are spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangable!

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a dirty son of a bitch to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, Id like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.



First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. Im very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, youll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didnt hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.



To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.



Sam, you old cuss, youve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, Id have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadnt been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.



Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure dont they? And the water is cold!!



Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. Well have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.



Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldnt remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.



To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jans panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.



Urinating in everyones drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.



Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darnest to come to the picnic……