Old and New Jokes

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a mans penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a mans hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

{I heard this years ago – have no idea where it first came from}

The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest
face for the opening scene of the play. Now, all you have to do is,
when I direct the choir to sing …and the angel lit the candle, you
come onstage and light all the candles.

I can do it – I can do it! the little boy said, excited to be the
one picked.

Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived. The choir was
in grand voice, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of unlit
candles all around, awaiting the moment when the cute littlest angel made
his interest.

The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and the
choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an expectant
…and the angel lit the candle, and everyone looked stage right
for the entrance. No little boy. The director gave the downbeat
again, and gestured for a louder line, which the choir gave him –
…and the angel lit the candle, and again, all eyes looked stage
right. No little boy.

The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping
gestures, and the choir thundered into the line – the curtains belled
slightly from the sound – …AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!

And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano voice
floating piercingly from stage right …and the cat peed on the matches!

yo mama so dumb she asked what time is the 12:00 lunch.

Once I lifted a tractor trailer 3 feet off the ground, and pulled a jet down the runway, but yo mama so fat when I tried to lift her, my career was over.

yo momma is so fat she wears two watches becuase she covers two time zones.

Yo mama sooo stupid, she thought the rap group NWA was a new sports organization.

Yo mama soooo fat, when she stepped on the scale it read, ONE AT A TIME, PLEASE.

Yo mama so fat that when she steps in the elevator, IT HAS TO GO DOWN!!!

Yo mamas sooo stupid, she thought that Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

Yo Mamas so FAT… i sat on top of her and me ears popped

Yo mamas so fat i ran round her twice and got lost

Your mama so stupid she threw a rock at the ground and missed!

Yo mama smell so bad she made RIGHT GUARD turn left.

Yo mama is like a powerplant she never runs out of energy.

Yo mama is so fat that she lives in Canada and the United States at the same time.

your mamas so fat she bent over and everyone yelled blackout.

Yo mama is so stupid, it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 min.

…the elephant man turned her down for a date!

..when she flossed her teeth, a dead gerbil fell out.

…she had to put a box of Twinkies on lay-away!

…Shes got two kids and a dog trapped in her orbit

… They shoved her face in dough to make gorilla cookies

Jack was coming out of shul one day, and the rabbi was standing at the door as he always did to shake hands.

The rabbi grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

The rabbi said to him, You need to join the Army of HaShem!

Jack replied, Im already in the Army of HaShem, Rabbi.

The rabbi questioned, How come I almost never see you except at Rosh

Hashanah and Yom Kippur?!

Jack whispered back, Im in the secret service.

1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to push the button in case of nuclear attack?
2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?
3. Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?
4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wifes half sister?
5. Which president called his mistress Pookie?
6. Which president married a woman who hadnt yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an adulterer during his re-election campaign?
7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbors wife while he was engaged to someone else?
8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first ladys personal secretary?
9. Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet – at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?
10. Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the *other* president who did the same in a closet? (The one from Question 9)?
11. Which vice president was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more impressive (i.e. numerous) than the Presidents?
12. Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his penis (which he named Jumbo)?

 

 

 

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ANSWERS

1. John F. Kennedy
2. Bill Clinton
3. Lyndon B. Johnson
4. Thomas Jefferson
5. Bill Clinton
6. Andrew Jackson
7. George Washington, Lyndon B. Johnson
8. Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy
9. Warren G. Harding
10. John F. Kennedy
11. Lyndon B. Johnson
12. Lyndon B. Johnson

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didnt work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didnt follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, well give him one more try. Well throw him in the air one more time and if he doesnt fly, were taking him back to the store!”

1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner: Cheese-filled weenies
2. Raise financial backing for my one man ice show – Davecapades!
3. Turn in Uzi for shiny new bicycle
4. Tape all the NFL games on CBS
5. Return camera number 3 to NBC
   (Here, Dave shows camera number 3 – with an NBC logo on the side)
6. Stop laughing every time I say The Fox Network
7. Have applause sign installed in my bedroom
8. To always remain loyal to this fine network – unless another network comes up with some more money
9. Learn to teeterboard nude
   (This entry is completed with a clip of senior citizens teeterboarding naked)
10. Four words: Mrs. Kathie Lee Letterman

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to

find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a

cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.

A magic potion she replies.

Well what does it for he asks. This potion will make anyone an

excellent golfer.

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is

agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his

sex life.

After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion.

He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of

golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He

spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every

course he manage to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After

a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the

witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk

to her.

Well, she asks, How has your game been? Great! This has been

the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and

never lost a game.

And how about your sex life? Oh, not bad.

Really? This stuff can really ruin a guys sex life. Say, how many

times did you have sex last year? Hmmmm, it was three, no, four

times.

And you call that not bad? Not for a priest with a small parish.

Q: What is the title of the thinnest book in the world?

A: What men know about women

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One… a man will screw anything

Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?

A: He eats beans for dinner

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

A: Because they dont have balls to scratch

Q: What is a mans idea of foreplay?

A: 30 minutes of begging

Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?

A: If hes breathing

Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?

A: Bonds mature

Q: What do men and beer bottles have in common?

A: They are both empty from the neck up

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?

A: Who cares

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A: We dont know… Its never been done

Q: How are men and parking spaces alike?

A: The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped

Q: What is a mans idea of helping with the housework?

A: Lifting his feet so you can vacuum

Q: What is the difference between a man and E.T.?

A: E.T. phoned home

Q: What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?

A: A hot dog and a six pack of beer

From David Letterman and the Late Show…

Top Ten Signs Bill Clinton Doesnt Give A Damn

10. Called Russia asking if they need a new spy

9. When people whisper, Your fly is open, he says, Yeah, I know

8. Shoplifts at will, gives finger to security camera

7. If you asked what he had for breakfast and he actually had waffles, hell say pancakes just for the fun of lying

6. Hes no longer just fat — hes now Hugh Rodham fat

5. Tubby is selling a copy of the Declaration of Indepence on eBay

4. Doesnt even bother to buy high-quality cigars anymore

3. Recently introduced Playboy playmate as my lovely wife

2. Refers to Chappaqua mansion as the house that dirty pardon money built

1. Sits in the back of Al Gores journalism class screaming, Loser!