Two Jewish ladies who were neighbors in New York met unexpectedly in Miami one winter.
Why Shirley one of them said, I had no idea you were here
So listen Ruthie said Shirley now that we met I just must tell you, I am having an affair!
How wonderful said Ruthie, who is doing the catering?
The ones that learns by reading
The few who learn by observation
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.
Banta Singh : Ok
Interviewer : Made in India
Banta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan
Interviewer : Good… Keep it Up
Banta Singh : Bad…. Put it Down
Interviewer : Maxi Mum
Banta Singh : Mini Dad
Interviewer : Enough! Take your Seat
Banta Singh : Insufficient! Dont Take my seat
Interviewer : Idiot! Take your Seat
Banta Singh : Clever! Dont take my Seat
Interviewer : I say you get out!
Banta Singh : You didnt say I come in
Interviewer : I reject you!
Banta Singh : You Appoint me
Interviewer : ….!!!!!!!
While the US stock market is at an all time high, the ups and downs frighten a lot of small investors like me. I went to my financial advisor at the bank and ask if he were worried.
He replied that he slept like a baby. I was amazed and asked, Really??? Even with all the fluctuations?
He said, Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours.
An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses,
salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant
Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir.A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the poor Abdul, but this time there is a man sitting on the well.
One Thanksgiving a friend and I were walking down a main street in Albany when a man comes up to me and gives me a turkey and says, "Happy Thanksgiving!" Without hesitation my freind knocks him out. I asked my friend why he punched the nice man. My friend said, He gave you the bird!"
What does the serial number on a condom look like ?
Give up ? Well, I guess you never had to unroll one that far . . .
Robert Heath
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders dont last as long as light bulbs.
Chemical Analysis
Element: Woman
Symbol: WO
Discoverer: Adam
Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36 – 28 – 36, though isotopes
ranging from 25 -10 – 20 to 60 – 55 – 60
have been identified.
Occurrence: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive,
energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban
areas.
Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at
absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments notice.
Totally unpredictable. Melts when
properly treated, very bitter if not well used.
Found in various states, ranging from virgin
metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted
by coins and sport cars. In its natural shape
the specimen varies considerably, but it is
often changed artificially so well that the
change is indiscernable except to the experienced
eye.
Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, especially
in the crystalline form. May give violent reaction
if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food
matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated
with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and
sexy aftershave lotions. An essential catalyst
is often required (must say you love her at least
five times daily). Reaction accelerates out of
control when in the dark and all reaction
conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to
react if in the highly stable pure form.
Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
The reaction is highly exothermic.
Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.
Uses: Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used
on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).
Tests: Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural
state. Turns green if placed besides a better specimen.
Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego).
Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must
be used with great care if experiments are to succeed.
It is illegal to possess more then one permanent specimen,
though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.
[Ed: There is a similar one for men which can be found at
http://student-www.eng.hawaii.edu/kenny/jokes/mild/haha3]
——————————————————————————–These are actual calls to technical support help desks… (Some of you may find this funny while others could possibly use this section as a reference)A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under Windows. The woman then responded, No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.
——————————————————————————–Tech Support: How much free space do you have on your hard drive? Customer: Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?
——————————————————————————–Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: Id like a mouse mat, please. Salesperson: Certainly sir, weve got a large variety. Customer: But will they be compatible with my computer?
——————————————————————————–I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
——————————————————————————–Customer: Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?
——————————————————————————–I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this: Customer: Hi. Is this the Internet?
——————————————————————————–Some people pay for their on-line services with checks made payable to The Internet.
——————————————————————————–Customer: So th