Old and New Jokes

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Jesus said: Love thy neighbor. (Matthew 22:39)

Elvis said: Dont be cruel. (RCA, 1956)

Jesus is the Lordss shepherd.

Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus was part of the Trinity.

Elvis first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)

Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.

Elvis entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus was resurrected.

Elvis had the famous 1968 comeback TV special.

Jesus said, If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink.(John 7:37)

Elvis said, Drinks on me! (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.

Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)

Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)

Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

Matthew was one of Jesus many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)

Neil Matthews was one of Elvis many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)

[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow.(Matthew 28:3)

Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightening bolts.

Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.

Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Mary, an important woman in Jesus life, had an Immaculate Conception.

Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.

Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.

Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.

Jesus was the lamb of God.

Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

Jesus Father is everywhere.

Elvis father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter.

Elvis favorite high school class was wood shop.

Jesus wore a crown of thorns.

Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.

Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

No one knows what the H in Jesus H. Christ stood for.

No one was really sure if Elvis middle name was Aron or Aaron.

Jesus said: Man shall not live by bread alone.

Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then
bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.

If its really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes
to inquire how its going. That greatly aids my efficiency.

Always leave without telling anyone where youre going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, dont open
the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and
opening doors is good training.

If you give me more than one job to do, dont tell me which is the
priority. Let me guess.

Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do.

If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could
cost me a promotion.
If you dont like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular
in conversation.

If you have special instructions for a job, dont write them down. If
fact, save them until the job is
almost done.

Never introduce me to the people youre with. When you refer to them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

Be nice to me only when the job Im doing for you could really change
your life.

Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and its nice
to know someone is less fortunate.

Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating
with a cost of living increase. Im not here for the money
anyway.

In our complex technical environment there are many opportunities for a
competent technical individual to be the subject of technical harassment.
Sometimes it can be so subtle that you may not even be aware you are being
harassed. Worse yet, you may inadvertently technically harass another person
by accident.

Following are some guidelines to help you determine if you are being
technically harassed.

If you are repeatedly asked the same technical question you may be the
victim of technical harassment. While it is most common to be asked the
question repeatedly within the same conversation, some instances have been
identified of habitual technical harassment. Habitual technical harassment is
not uncommon and has been known to exhibit group tendencies where members of a
group may ask the same question repeatedly. Untreated, these instances of
group technical harassment can continue for years.

If you are asked a technical question by a non-technical person and they do
not write your answer down it is likely the question is frivolous. Most
non-technical people are not capable of remembering a true technical answer
for more than 30 seconds.

If you are forced into a discussion where a person uses more than three
(3) buzzwords in one sentence the person is most likely a fake and you are
the unwitting victim of technical harassment. One note of caution, competent
technical people have been known to inadvertently use buzzwords after reading
mindless drivel like PC Week or LAN Times. If the person has been known to use
more common technical terms in the past such as stuff and things, they are
most likely victim of computer magazine brainwashing.

If during a troubleshooting session a person uses the term trick. For
example maybe we could trick the database into thinking it has been updated.
This is a sure sign of technical harassment.

If a person explains that a needed feature will be provided by a
vendor and that person is nontechnical then you are at risk of being
technically harassed. If you believe that person, you have definitely
been technically harassed, if you dont believe them you have only been
technically annoyed.

If when trying to resolve a technical problem with a product from a
vendor and you are instructed to call the salesman that sold you the
product you are being set up for technical harassment. It is a common
reaction for a non-technical person when they have purchased technical
equipment to call another non-technical person. The dialogue between two
nontechnical people usually provides some sense of comfort that they
arent the only ones who are confused.

( This landed on my desk one day. Origin unknown… – LN )

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

How do you know what to say? he asked.

Why, God tells me.

Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?

SCHIZOPHRENIA:

Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:

We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:

I Think Ill Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:

Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:

Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . .

PARANOID:

Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER:

You Better Watch Out, Im Gonna Cry, Im Gonna Pout, Maybe Ill Tell You Why

DEPRESSION:

Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, …….. (better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:

On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:

Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

From rec.humor.funny

Johnny, a very bright 5 year old, told his daddy hed like to have a baby brother and, along with his request, offered to do whatever he could to help. His dad, a very bright 35 year old, paused for a moment and then replied, Ill tell you what, Johnny, if you pray every day for two months for a baby brother, I guarantee that God will give you one! Johnny responded eagerly to his dads challenge and went to his bedroom early that night to start praying for a baby brother. He prayed every night for a whole month, but after that time, he began to get skeptical. He checked around the neighborhood and found out that what he thought was going to happen, had never occurred in the history of the neighborhood. You just dont pray for two months and then, whammo- a new baby brother. So, Johnny quit praying. After another month, Johnnys mother went to the hospital. When she came back home, Johnnys parents called him into the bedroom. He cautiously walked into the room, not expecting to find anything, and there was a little bundle lying right next to his mother. His dad pulled back the blanket and there was — not one baby brother, but two!! His mother had twins! Johnnys dad looked down at him and said, Now arent you glad you prayed? Johnny hesitated a little and then looked up at his dad and said, Yes, but arent you glad I quit when I did?

How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Four – one to hold the bulb, and three to drink till the room spins!!

Three nuns were talking one sunny day in June.

The first nun said, I was cleaning in Fathers room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!

What did you do? the other nuns asked.

Well, of course I threw them in the trash, she replied.

The second nun said, Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!

Oh my! gasped the other nuns.

What did you do? they asked.

I poked holes in all of them! she replied.

The third nun fainted.

Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. Listen, Pincus, one said, the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get.

See this cloth? Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. This is the stuff they make nuns habits from. There aint no blacker cloth.

A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off.

What did that man want? one nund asked the other.

I dont know, the second replied. He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left.

What did he say?

He said, Pinkus Fucktus.