Old and New Jokes

Entra un perro a una oficina con un periódico en el hocico. Cuando intentan sacarlo, pone el periódico en el suelo y señala con una pata un anuncio:

Solicitamos empleado que sepa escribir a máquina, experto en Visual Basic y hable varios idiomas. Igualdad de oportunidades: no importa raza, edad o sexo.

Entendiendo que el animal va en busca de trabajo, lo llevan con el jefe de personal. Este le advierte:

Sabes, nosotros teníamos en mente a alguien distinto…

¡Guau!, ladra el perro señalando con su pata la parte del anuncio que dice igualdad de oportunidades.

Bueno, pero es que el aspirante debe saber escribir a máquina…

El can se dirige al escritorio en el que está la computadora; se trepa a una silla y empieza a teclear con las patas. En pocos minutos sale de la impresora una carta de negocios perfectamente redactada y sin una sola falta de ortografía.

Está bien, pero es necesario que el aspirante sea experto en Visual Basic.

El sabueso pone una pata sobre el Mouse y utiliza otra para teclear. En pocos minutos elabora una base de datos perfectamente estructurada y sin un solo error. El jefe de personal, desesperado, se dirige al perro:

Es que sucede que el aspirante debe hablar varios idiomas…

El animal se acerca al jefe de personal y comienza:

Miau…

Una pareja de maricas sostiene el siguiente diálogo:

Si tú no hubieras sido homosexual, ¿qué te hubiera gustado ser?

Pues yo hubiera querido ser torero para pararme en la mitad de una plaza con un pantalón bien apretadito, con el que se me viera lindo el trasero, y que todos los que me miraran en la tribuna, sacaran un pañuelo blanco y gritaran: ¡rabo, rabo! Vitoreando mi hermosa cola. ¿Y a ti, qué te hubiera gustado ser?

Yo hubiera querido ser ambulancia.

¿Ambulancia? ¿Pero tú estás loca, para qué ambulancia?

Pues para estar todo el tiempo en cuatro; que me abrieran el culo de par en par; me metieran un hombre completo y salir gritando por toda la ciudad: ¡Uhhh, uuuhhh!

Manolín acompañado de su amigo le pregunta a Manolo, su padre:

Papá, ¿podemos ir a jugar al bosque?

Sí, pero si se pierden regresen inmediatamente a casa.

1) The waterproof towel
2) Solar powered torch
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Waterproof tea bag

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?

I said, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?

He smiled and nodded knowingly, Thats why we ask.

Ha ha ha,very funny Scottie….

NOW BEAM DOWN MY CLOTHES!!

coz hes got wee legs!

One day the parishioners of a church decided the church needed repainting. They gathered up all their supplies, bought all their paint and began painting. Halfway through the job they realized that there wouldnt be enough paint and they didnt want to spend anymore money to buy more. So, they began to thin the pain with water until there was enough to finish. As they put the last stroke on the church the heavens parted and rain gushed down. All the thinned paint ran off the side of the church and into the gutters. A voice bellowed from above REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!

A fool and his money are asked to go everywhere! A fool and his money are soon elected. A fool and his money are soon popular. A fool and his money is my kind of customer! If moneys the root of all evil, why do churches want it? All I ask is to prove that money cant make me happy. Come to Florida, bring money, BUT GET THE HECK OFF OUR BEACH! Even the blind can see money. Expert – Someone who knows less, but makes more money. Its not the money I want, its the stuff. Life is a game. Money is how we keep score. Money burns a hole in my pocket…how about yours? Money is like an arm or leg, use it or lose it. Money is the root of all bills. Money may buy friendship, but it cannot buy love. Money Talks – and it usually says NO!! Never forget a friend, especially if he owes you money. Political Motto: I had some morals; sold them for money. This country has the best politicians money can buy. Time and Money. Two things we dont have enough of…. Turbo-Tax took money out of my Quicken directory. Visit your money this year – vacation in Washington D.C. When money talks, it usually says Bend over. You infernal machine! Give me a soda or my money back! Alimony? …sounds kind like all yer money No one kills over drugs … They kill over money. Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.