My First Time

Poza publicata in [ Bar ]

A guy walks into a bar and orders twelve shots of the best whiskey in the house. The bartender proceeds to fill twelve shot glasses and stares , puzzled, at the guy as he begins to drink them down, one by one. As the guy is finishing the eleventh shot, the bartender asks, Whats the occasion?

The guy says,

Im celebrating my first blowjob!, as he finishes off the last shot.

Well, says the bartender, in that case, here have one on the house and he fills another shot glass.

No thanks, says the guy, If twelve didnt get the taste out of my mouth, one more wont!

Redneck Hotel

Poza publicata in [ Redneck ]

They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.

She said to the bellman, We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.

But, madam!, replied the bellman.

Dont But madam me, she continued. You cant treat us like were a couple of fools just because we dont travel much, and weve never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. Im going to complain to the manager.

Madam, the bellman said, this isnt your room; this is the elevator!

Un marinero vuelve al puerto

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

Un marinero vuelve al puerto después de haber estado un año en alta mar y lo primero que hace es irse de putas. Se encuentra con la golfa en la cama, listo para la faena… Y nada, que no le funciona.

Pero, chico, ¿qué te pasa?

¡Joder, que después de tanto tiempo en alta mar echo de menos el vaivén de las olas durante la tempestad!

Hombre, eso se puede arreglar… Pero te va a costar dinero.

El dinero no es problema, venga.

Entonces la chica tumbada en la cama, agarra el colchón y lo menea de un lado a otro.

Pero, bueno, ¿vamos a la faena o qué?

Es que me falta algo más: echo de menos el sonido del viento durante la tempestad.

Se puede arreglar, pero te va a costar.

Venga, el dinero es lo de menos.

La prostituta menea el colchón mientras sopla frenéticamente.

¿Qué pasa ahora, no te vale esto?

Pues la verdad es que también echo de menos los relámpagos.

Vale, ya sabes el precio.

Que sí, que vale, venga.

La mujer menea el colchón mientras sopla frenéticamente, a la vez que enciende y apaga la lámpara en la mesilla.

¿No me digas que todavía echas algo más de menos?

Pues sí, el sonido de los truenos.

De acuerdo.

La hetaira menea el colchón mientras sopla frenéticamente, a la vez que enciende y apaga la lámpara en la mesilla, mientras pega porrazos en la persiana.

Pero, tío, ¿es que no es suficiente o qué?

Me falta el salpicar de las olas sobre la cubierta del barco.

Vale, arreglado.

La puta menea el colchón mientras sopla frenéticamente, a la vez que enciende y apaga la lámpara en la mesilla, mientras pega porrazos en la persiana, al mismo tiempo que vierte agua de una jarra sobre el marinero… Pero nada. Ya toda mosqueada, le reclama:

¡Joder! ¿Pero follamos o qué?

¿Qué dices? ¡Con este tiempo de perros que hace!

Un hombre decide ampliar sus

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

Un hombre decide ampliar sus gustos culinarios y empieza por ir a un restaurante japonés después del trabajo. Se sienta y viene el mozo.

¿Qué platos me recomienda? le pregunta al japonés.

Le lecomiendo lata al limón

Bueno, tráigamela.

El japonés le sirve la lata al limón y el hombre disfruta de su plato, pensando que es lo mas exquisito que ha probado.

Contentísimo vuelve al otro día con un amigo y piden lo mismo. El sábado de noche vuelve al restaurante con su esposa y ambos piden la lata al limón.

A la semana siguiente va el su esposa y unos amigos, y se sientan en la mesa, cuando viene el mozo y el hombre le pide que traiga lo de siempre para cuatro personas. Pero el japonés le dice:

No va a podel sel, hoy no hacemos lata al limón polque lata está teniendo latitas.

A quote on marriage

Poza publicata in [ Love and marriage ]

If you never want to see a man again, say, I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children… – they leave skid marks. — Rita Rudner

People dont care how much

Poza publicata in [ Business ]

People dont care how much you know until they know how much you care.

Question and answer blonde joke

Poza publicata in [ Blonde ]

Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldnt they get in?
A: The sign said must be 18 to enter.

Razorback Hogs

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Bill Clinton got off his helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said Nice pigs, Sir!

The President replied These are not pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.

The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, Nice trade, Sir!

Three Nuns

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

Three nuns were talking.

The first nun said, I was cleaning the Fathers room the other day and do
you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!

What did you do? the other nuns asked.

Well, of course I threw them all in the trash.

The second nun said, Well, I can top that. I was in the Fathers room
putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms.

Oh my, gasped the other nuns. What did you do? they asked.

I poked holes in all of them, she replied.

The third nun said, Oh shit.

Polish Plane Landing

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Polish Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an

airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the

windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, Holy cow! Look

how short the runway is! Ive never seen one that short!

The copilot looked out the windshield. Wow! youre right! Thats

incredible! Are you sure we can make it? Well we better, were

almost out of fuel.

So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to

put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency

landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to

just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the

ragged edge of control. The pilots hands were sweating, the copilot

was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST

before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.

WHEW! That was CLOSE! yelled the captain.That runway was SHORT!

Yeah! said the copilot,and WIDE too!