Old and New Jokes

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. Ones a brunette, ones a redhead, and ones a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .

Suddenly the brunette yells, earthquake!! Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .

The redhead then screams, tornado!! Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .

The blonde shouts, fire!!

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to go to war. On the first day they were lining up for guns. He was toward the end of the line and, when they got to him the supply sergeant said they didnt have any more guns, so they gave him a broom and told him to point it at people and say,“Bangitty bangitty bang!” So he thought, “Oh great, I come out here to fight for my country and they give me a broom.”
Then the next day they were lining up for bayonets and he was at the back of the line again. And when they got to him, again he was told they didnt have any left, so they gave the soldier a carrot and told him to tie it to the end of his broom, stab people with it and say,Stabitty stabitty stab. And he thought, “Yeah great, Im gonna go out there and get killed. Just what I always wanted.”
So when they went out on the battlefield, the soldier walked out there and decided hed at least try it out, rather than just stand there and be killed. So he went up to someone and said, “Bangitty bangitty bang!” and the guy fell over dead. So he thought, “My God! This actually works!
” He went up to another person and said, “Stabitty stabitty stab” and, again, the guy died. So he went around killing people with his broomstick and his carrot, thinking, “Wow! This is so cool!”
Then he sees this guy standing all by himself and the soldier thinks, “Easy target. Im going to go get him.” So he goes over there and says, “Bangitty bangitty bang,” and nothing happens. He goes closer and does it again and still nothing happens. So the soldier thinks, “Oh no! It must be out of bullets! But how do you reload a broom?” So he gets closer and says Stabbety stabbety stab.“Stabitty stabbity stab.” And still nothing happens. But then the guy he was trying to kill ran over him! And, as he was running over the soldier, he said, “Tankitty tankitty tank.”

A friend was in Japan on business. On one day, the company he was visiting took him out for a round of golf. Although he was not a good golfer, he loved to play. Everytime he hit a bad shot, his caddy would bow and say Osheetabazhow.

He was really impressed with their politeness and especially that of the caddy despite his poor play. On the back nine, after a poor shot and the caddy again bowed and said osheetabazhow, his curiosity got the better of him and he asked his host about the caddys expression.

The host replied that he was saying, in poor English, Oh shit! Too bad, Joe..

A Japanese expression meaning cooperation – Yotamashu, atayushu (translation You tie my shoe, I tie your shoe)

These signs are not real, but somewhat funny nonetheless.

Sign in a non-smoking area:

If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

Sign on the door of the maternity ward:

Push Push Push.

Sign on used car lot:

Second hand cars in first crash condition.

Sign on fence:

Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

Sign at a hotel.

Help! We need inn-experienced people.

Sign in a science teachers room:

If it moves, its biology.
If it stinks, its chemistry.
If it doesnt work, its physics.

Sign in an office:

We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

Sign in a veterinarys waiting room:

Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

Sign in beauty shop window:

Dye now!

Sign at a computer store:

Out for a quick byte.

Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home:

Drive carefully. Well wait.

Santa Singh went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Santa Singh in the eye and said, Ive some bad news for you… you have cancer and it cant be cured. Id give you two weeks to a month.

Santa Singh, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctors office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Santa Singh said, Puttar, we Surds celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things dont go so well. In this case, things arent so well. I have cancer and Ive been given a short time to live. Lets head for the pub and have a few pints.

After three or four pints, two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Santa Singhs old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Santa Singh told them that the Surds celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends Ive only got few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.

The friends gave Santa Singh their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Santa Singhs son leaned over and whispered his confusion, Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!

Santa Singh said, I am dying from cancer, puttar. I just dont want any of them around your mother after Im gone.

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, Father, remember psalm 129?

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, Father, remember psalm 129? Once again the priest apologized. Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

You know youve been married too long when a Quickie before dinner now means a drink.

IM GOING FISHING
Translated: Im going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

ITS A GUY THING
Translated: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?
Translated: Why isnt it already on the table?

UH HUH, SURE, HONEY, OR YES, DEAR
Translated: Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response.

IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN
Translated: I have no idea how it works.

TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOURE WORKING TOO HARD.
Translated: I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

THATS INTERESTING, DEAR.
Translated: Are you still talking?

YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.
Translated: I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, & GOT YOU THESE ROSES.
Translated: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

OH, DONT FUSS – I JUST CUT MYSELF, ITS NO BIG DEAL.
Translated: I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that Im hurt.

HEY, IVE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT IM DOING.
Translated: And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

I CANT FIND IT.
Translated: It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely clueless.

WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?
Translated: What did you catch me at?

I HEARD YOU.
Translated: I havent the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you dont spend the next 3 days yelling at me.

YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.
Translated: I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse.

YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.
Translated: Oh, please dont try on one more outfit, Im starving.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.
Translated: No one will ever see us alive again.

Q. How do you get an elephant out of a
theatre?

A. You cant. Its in their blood.

Not to long ago a blonde woman I know had a near death experience that has changed her forever. She was horseback riding, and everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Her foot became caught in the stirrup. She fell head first to the ground and her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just when things were looking their worst, as she was giving up hope and about to lose consciousness, there was a miracle: The Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it.