This comes from a friend, who claims it happened to her.

Her seven-year-old asks: Mom, whats sex?

Mom (flustered): Well, thats whether youre a girl or a boy. You know,
like when we signed you up for swimming lessons, and the form asked what
your sex was, thats what they wanted to know.

Son: OK.

Mom: (whew)

Next day:

Son: Mom, Joe says that sex is when you take off your clothes and rub
against each other. Is that true?

Mom: Well, yes, thats another meaning of sex.

Son: ALL your clothes?

Mom: Yes.

Son: YUCK! Really?

(Ive forgotten what transpired here; no matter.)

Mom: Well, Im real glad you asked me about this. If you have any more
questions, please ask.

Son: Well, I do have one more.

Mom (breaking into a sweat): Yes?

Son: Where does metal come from?

These are actual signs seen across the USA:

In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On a movie theater: Childrens matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child.

In a florida maternity ward: No children allowed

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a toy department: Five santa clauses, no waiting.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

On military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personel

On a display of Youre my one and only valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan

In a clothing store: Bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks

In a mens clothing store: 15 mens wool suits — $10.00. They wont last an hour!

On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: Archery tournament. Ears pierced.

In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel/No End

In the window of a general store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come right here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends

In a New Jersey restaurant: Open 11AM to 11PM Midnight

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a private school: No tresspassing without permission

In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you cant read this, its time to wash your car.

Once Bill Clinton visited a elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident. Then he said, Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?

A little boy raises his hand and says, If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car. Clinton says, No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try? A little girl raises her hand and says, If a busload of kids drove off a cliff. Clinton says, No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?



A boy raises his hand and says and says, If you and Mrs. Clinton was on a plane and it blew up. Then Clinton says, Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy? And the little boy says, Well, it wouldnt have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldnt have been a great loss.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So the next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the begining of the serman, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the vodka, dont gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and Spook
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he saidTake this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not say, Eat Me
12. The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the Mary with the Cherry
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys

10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctors office include, Take a left when you enter the trailer park.
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is an apple a day.
5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didnt come in different colors with little M&Ms on them.
1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hepburn!
Hepburn who?
Hepburn and indigestion!

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

Alright, the lawyer says looking through his papers. You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

What! That sounds like a car payment schedule, retorted the client.

Your right. Its mine.

Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the Ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.

After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object, floating toward them in the water.

As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, O.K., so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, Ive been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, Im burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then Im outta here, so make it a good one.

The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!

Fine, said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer, and disappeared.

Great move, Einstein, said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. Now were gonna have to pee in the boat!

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, Id like to have one too.

Then I said, You dont understand. Ive had Sex since I was nine years old.

He said, You must have been quite a kid!

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.

He said he didnt want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.

I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace.

My family is barred from the church from then on.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said, Every room in the place is for sex.

I said, You dont understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.

The clerk said, Me too.

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.

I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets.

But you dont understand, I said, I had hoped to have Sex on T.V.

He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.

The judge said, Me too.

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.

He said, Me too.

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, What are you doing in the alley at 4 oclock in the morning?

I said, Im looking for Sex.

Well now Ive been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, What seems to be the trouble?

I replied, Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I couldnt live any longer so lonely,

And the doctor said, Look mister, you should understand that sex isnt a mans best friend, so get yourself a dog.