Old and New Jokes

How do you compliment a donkey? Hey, nice ass!

Three guys are convicted of a veryserious crime, and theyre all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.Theyre each allowed one thing to bringinto the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asksfor his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.At the end of the twenty years, theyopen up the first guys cell. He comes out and says, "I studiedso hard. Im so bright now, I could be a lawyer.It was terrific."They open up the second guys door. He comes out with his wife, and theyvegot five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thingof my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I loveit."They open up the third guys door, andhes slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

You might be a redneck if…
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

Why cant Chinese couples have white babies?

Because two Wongs dont make a white!

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

Q: Whats better than winning the Special Olympics? A: Not being retarded.

A man is walking down a beach during sunset when he stumbles across a lamp. Picking it up he says to himself, I wonder if its magic. I think Ill rub it and find out.

Well sure enough this man rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man, Im your genie and I am at your command. I shall grant you three wishes on one condition. Everything you wish for, your wife gets double.

Well the man thought about it and finally blurted out, Give me a million dollars. So the genie gave him a million dollars and his wife two million while reminding him of the one condition.

Next the man said, Id like a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast. So the genie gave him his two houses and his wife four houses.

Finally the genie said, You have one wish remaining but remember, your wife gets double.

So the man thought for nearly an hour about his final wish. Looking up at the genie hovering over the sand he said with a sly grin on his face, Ok Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

Its o.k., he replied, its written in the Bible.

So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says its okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil – The hat check girl puts out!

Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

adenoids…..(n) Space critters whut are keepin Elvis alive on Pluto

anasthesia…(n) Rushun princess yall red bout in skool.

antacid……(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.

bowel……..(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?

bronchitis…(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.

catscan……(v) lukin fer hookers (don yall do this)

cauterize….(v) makin eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)

d & c……..(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live.

emema……..(n) sumone who aint never no frend no how

fester…….(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)

genital……(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee

heart……..(v) when u cauz pain to some1

hypodermic…(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter

mamogram…..(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female

papsmear…..(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy

recovery…..(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur

rectum…….(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk

seizure……(n) Emperore of Rome.

series…….(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.

testicles….(n) books of the Bible

tumor……..(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call

urine……..(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout