Old and New Jokes

Q: What do women and airplanes have in common?

A: A cockpit!

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well he explained By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself Ill go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. Well he explained By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself Ill go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. Well he explained, by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying –


Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…….

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Joan!
Joan who!
Joan call us well call you!

Theorem: e=1
Proof:
2*e = f
2^(2*pi*i)e^(2*pi*i) = f^(2*pi*i)
e^(2*pi*i) = 1

Therefore:
2^(2*pi*i) = f^(2*pi*i)
2=f
Thus:
e=1

If you would lift me, you must be on higher ground.

Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

This list is circulating among Forest Service employees. These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.

Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.

Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.

Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.

Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.

All the mile markers are missing this year.

Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse.

Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.

Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.

Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.

Need more signs to keep area pristine.

A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.

The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.

Too many rocks in the mountains.

DARK CONSPIRACY INVOLVING ELECTRICAL POWER COMPANIES SURFACES

Rewritten by the Quantum Mechanic
(Author Unknown)

Updated 8/7/88 W0PN

For years the electrical utility companies have led the public to
believe they were in business to supply electricity to the
consumer, a service for which they charge a substantial rate. The
recent accidental acquisition of secret records from a well known
power company has led to a massive research campaign which
positively explodes several myths and exposes the massive hoax
which has been perpitrated upon the public by the power companies.

The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs
emitted light; in actuality, these light bulbs actually absorb
DARK which is then transported back to the power generation
stations via wire networks. A more descriptive name has now been
coined; the new scientific name for the device is DARKSUCKER.

This newsletter introduces a brief synopsis of the darksucker
theory, which proves the existence of dark and establishes the
fact that dark has great mass, and further, that dark particle
(the anti-photon) is the fastest known particle in the universe.
Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert Einstein did not
suspect the truth.. that just as COLD is the absence of HEAT,
LIGHT is actually the ABSENCE of DARK… scientists have now
proven that light does not really exist!

The basis of the darksucker theory is that electric light bulbs
suck dark. Take for example, the darksuckers in the room where
you are right now. There is much less dark right next to the
darksuckers than there is elsewhere, demonstrating their limited
range. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to
suck dark. Darksuckers in a parking lot or on a football field
have a much greater capacity than the ones in used in the home,
for example.

It may come as a surprise to learn that darksuckers also operate
on a celestial scale; witness the Sun. Our Sun makes use of dense
dark, sucking it in from all the planets and intervening dark
space. Naturally, the Sun is better able to suck dark from the
planets which are situated closer to it, thus explaining why those
planets appear brighter than do those which are far distant from
the Sun.

Occassionally, the Sun actually oversucks; under those
conditions, dark spots appear on the surface of the Sun.
Scientists have long studied these sunspots and are only
recently beginning to realize that the dark spots represent leaks
of high pressure dark because the Sun has oversucked dark to such
an extent that some dark actually leaks back into space. This
leakage of high pressure dark frequently causes problems with
radio communications here on Earth due to collisions between the
dark particles as they stream out into space at high velocity via
the black holes in the surface of the Sun.

As with all manmade devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime
caused by the fact that they are not 100% efficient at
transmitting collected dark back to the power company via the
wires from your home, causing dark to build up slowly within the
device. Once they are full of accumulated dark, they can no
longer suck. This condition can be observed by looking for the
black spot on a full darksucker when it has reached maximum
capacity of untransmitted dark… you have surely noticed that
dark completely surrounds a full darksucker because it no longer
has the capacity to suck any dark at all.

A candle is a primitive darksucker. A new candle has a white
wick. You will notice that after the first use the wick turns
black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it.
If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the
tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing
into the candle. It is of no use to plug a candle into an
electrical outlet; it can only collect dark.. it has no
transmission capabilities. Unfortunately, these primitive
darksuckers have a very limited range and are hazardous to operate
because of the intense heat produced.

There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights. The bulbs
in these devices collect dark which is passed to a dark storage
unit called a battery. When the dark storage unit is full, it
must be either emptied (a process called recharging) or replaced
before the portable darksucker can continue to operate. If you
break open a battery, you will find dense black dark inside,
evidence that it is actually a compact dark storage unit.

You get merit badge for picking the trifecta at Aqueduct
You help old ladies across I-95
First rule in handbook: Blame the kid who cant speak English
Youre part of a very special troop called the Gambino family
To become an Eagle Scout, you have to catch and eat a Bald Eagle
Since he cant get time off, troop leader holds meetings in his Century 21 office
You get busted for selling knot-tying secrets to Russian Boy Scouts
Scout master hands out his favorite campfire treat – Marlboro Lights
Troop motto: Be prepared…to lie on the witness stand
Every year you have to put on a skit and go door-to-door selling cookies

©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.