The following is true – the whole story can be found on p. 101 of the July Scientific American:
S.C.Johnson Corporation, maker of Raid, breeds 80,000 roaches a week to test its products on. It maintains a number of different breeds, including some pesticide-resistant ones.
One of the most resistant is called HRDC. These almost unkillable roaches are so named because they were collected from the halls of the House of Representatives in the District of Columbia.
Billys Letters
The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvoraks column:
Dear Mr. Dvorak:
Ann Landers wouldnt print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.
Its about my son, Billy. Hes always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire – you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.
I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. Its where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP!
We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I dont know whats happened. Hes changed. I cant explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billys letters.
Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. Were learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.
Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? Im getting used to it now. Gotta go, its time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? Its spellchecked too.
Dear Mom,
Dont worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I dont have much of a tan cause we dont go outside very often. You cant see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. Im okay, really.
Love, Billy.
Dear Mom,
Im fine. Im sleeping enough. Im eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says its okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. Ive got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.
Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. Weve got a way to not pay. Sorry I havent written. Ive been learning a lot. Im real good at getting onto any computer in the country. Its really easy! I got into the universitys in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, hes going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. Hes really smart. He says that I shouldnt call myself Billy anymore. So, Im not.
Signed, William.
Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Whyd you get so upset? I havent gained that much weight. The glasses arent real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that youd be proud of my program. After all, Ive made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, Ive paid for the next six weeks of camp. I wont be home until late August.
Regards, William.
Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True — physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. – the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I wont write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.
Sincerely, William.
See what I mean? Its been two weeks since Ive heard from my little boy.
What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that its probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so.
Thank you very much.
Sally Gates,
Concerned Parent
The clerk at the post office counter told the woman, You have to put another stamp on this letter – its too heavy.
She replied, And thatll make it lighter?
1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor.2.Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santas lap. Refuse to get off.3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny youre wearing it.4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.6. Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say youve been very naughty this year.7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.)9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.10. Sing: All I want for Christmas is my roommates two front teeth…11. Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.12. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesnt come to life, cry hysterically it didnt work!13. Whip your roommate screaming now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.14. Tear down all your roommates Christmas decorations yelling Bah Humbug!15. Wake up every morning screaming Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!16. Tell your roommate youre moving out. Santas buying you a house on 34th Street.17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first. 19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommates friends give it a yank.20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying every time a bell rings an angel gets his win
Waiter to customer: Our specialty is snails.
I know. One of them served me the last time I was here!
This guy walked into a bar with a monkey on a string. He sat at the bar, and announced that the monkey is for sale.
The barman relied I dont want any monkey!! They destroy everthing, and they are a nuisnace!
The guy replied But this is a special monkey. It gives a really good blowjob. Look, go in the back and try it out.
After 10 minutes, the barman returns with a broad grin. Man, that monkey is really good!! How much do you want for it? $200 was exchanged.
That evening, the barman returned home to his wife. Hi, dear. I just bought this monkey. I want you to teach it to cook and wash, and then I want you to get the hell out of this house!!!
A dusty cowboy rides up to the saloon on his horse, gets off and ties it to the hitching post, then slaps the dust off his jacket and chaps. He walks around to the back of the horse, puckers up his lips and kisses the horse directly on the asshole. He then walks into the saloon, walks up to the bar and says to the bartender Whiskey!
The bartender pours him a glass of whiskey and says to the cowpoke Say there pardner, I noticed when you got off your horse you went behind it and kissed it right on the asshole. Whyd you do that?
The cowpoke replies Chapped lips.
Chapped lips? asks the bartender, Is that a cure for chapped lips? No says the cowpoke, but it sures hell stops you from lickin em.
Whats brown and sits in the forest?
Winnies Pooh.
Un hombre veÃa por la ventana a su pequeña hija hacer un hombre de nieve con un amiguito. Divertido por lo que veÃa, se acercó y escuchó al niño decir: Tengo una idea. Para terminarlo, iré a la cocina por una zanahoria.
Y su hijita respondió, Que sean dos. La segunda puede ser su nariz.
Una tarde de verano, Manolo y Venancio caminaban por la playa, cuando de repente un ave se caga en la cabeza de Manolo.
Venancio, Venancio, ¿qué tengo en la cabeza?, pregunta Manolo.
Caca, le responde aquel.
En un tono más insistente vuelve a preguntar: hombre ¿que qué tengo en la cabeza?
¡Caca, coño!, replica Venancio.
¡No tonto, afuera!, reclama furioso Manolo.