An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said, “I enjoyed time with my wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said, “I enjoyed time with my mistress, because of the passion and mystery I found there.”

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" they questioned.

The Engineer said, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Youve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sisters honor.

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job–primer red and primer gray.

The tobacco chewers in your family arent just men.

Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag doorprize is given out. One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush.

What the hell is this? he asks the pastor.

Why, its a toilet brush.

Ooh, I see, says Josi. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josi how the brush is working.

Well, its okay, but I think Ill go back to using paper.

El día de recreo en el convento, todas la monjitas se peleaban. En eso la madre superiora pregunta:

¿Qué es lo que está pasando?

Las monjitas responden que una de ellas no le prestaba la bicicleta a las demás. La madre superiora, enojada por lo que sucedía dice:

¡No se peleen más, porque si no le pongo el asiento!

If you receive an email entitled Crazy Times delete it immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

1) It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.



2) It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.





3) It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play.



4) It will re-calibrate your refrigerators coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.



5) It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-laws number.



6) This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.



7) It will drink all your beer.



It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.



9) Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.



10) It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.



11) It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.



12) It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.



13) It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.



14) If the Crazy Times message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.



15) It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.



16) It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.



1 It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.(Remember Brut 33 ?)



It is insidious and subtle.



It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.



It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.



These are just a few signs of infection.

Once there was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They decided to make their very own record and they plan to make it on MTV some day. After years and years of practice they called in and asked to perform. They had to prove they were good enough so the mailed the host of MTV a video. A few days later they all found out they did make it to MTV so they rehearsed plenty of times and had everything going perfect. They were going to be the greatest performers ever. After driving for about 20 hours they were tired but still planned to be great the next day. They arrived on the set of MTV to perform. The blonde was suppose to be in charge of the drumrole when the host said to do so. He said,Ladies and gentlemen, listen up for the new pop stars of 2002. Then opened an envelope and said Could I get a drumrole please? So the blonde picked up the drum, roled it across the stage and hit the host and killed him therefor they were not excepted to perform anywhere else and were locked up for a cuople years.

lesson:if you want a career, dont kill your boss or any hosts!!!

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.

Yo mama so ugly she had to trick or treat on the phone.

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married:

Merry Christmas to you and please dont worry. Im just fine considering that I cant breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. Ive sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope youll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so theyll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me — we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet shes never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, its time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but dont you worry about me. Im also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now dont you even think about sending any more money because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is – the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom