Old and New Jokes

Why dont Puerto Ricans like blow jobs?

They are afraid it will interfere with their unemployment benefits.

If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, Id take the nothing…

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise rabbi, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, Did you buy this cow from Minsk?

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. You are truly a wise rabbi, they said.

How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?

The rabbi answered sadly, My wife is from Minsk.

What did the right eye say to the left eye?

Just between you and me. Something smells.

Theres this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town? The missionary says, Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say Thank God to make it go and Amen to make it stop.



Not paying much attention, the man says, Sure, ok. So he gets On the horse and says, Thank God and the horse starts walking. Then he say, Thank God, thank God, and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man say, Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God and the horse just takes off.



Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and hes doing everything he can to make the horse stop. Whoa, stop, hold on!!!! Finally he remembers, Amen!!



The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says, Thank God.

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. Listen, said the shoplifter, I know you dont want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this? The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?

He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?. Sure its easy. replied the neurosurgeon. All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and youll be a Newfie. He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeons knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patients brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patients brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patients bed as the patient recovered from the anaesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him Im terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain. The patient replied Quest-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. I cant stand this, said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. Hold it, hold it, he said to the men. Can you tell me whats going on here with this digging? Well, we work for the county government, one of the men said. But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. Youre not accomplishing anything. Arent you wasting the countys money? You dont understand, mister, one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. Normally theres three of us–me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Yea, piped up Mike. Now just because Rodneys sick, that dont mean we cant work, does it?

You fall off the floor quite often
The whole bar says Hi when you come in …
Hangovers have become an alternative lifestyle
Bill & Hillary Clinton are starting to make sense
You lose most of the arguments with inanimate objects
You have a Reserved Parking space at your liquor store
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
You dont recognize people, unless seen through bottom of glass
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
You think the 4 Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol & Women