Old and New Jokes

A football player passes a burning building, and sees a young woman and her baby hanging out the window. The football player stops and yells to the woman, Throw down your baby and Ill catch it!

The woman responds, I cant throw my baby to you, I dont know you!

Its okay, shouts the football player, Im in the NFL, I can catch anything!

The woman yells out OK! and drops the baby from the top floor. Just as it reaches about 50 ft. from the ground, a gust of wind grabs the baby and sends it flying. The football player chases after it, desperately stretching, trying to catch the baby.

By this time quite a crowd has gathered. The baby is falling towards the ground. Can he make it? The football player dives, and makes the catch!

The crowd goes wild!!!

The football player gets up, yells All Right!!!, starts dancing … and spikes the ball!

You might be a redneck if Bambi made you hungry for rabbit!

Bush to Be Smitten Later Today

In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the one nation
under God clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule last nights
Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to George Bush.

Im not sure where the Supreme Court gets off, God said this morning
on a rare Today Show appearance, but Im sure as hell not going to
lay back and let Bush get away with this bullshit.

Ive watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact votecount in
Florida will never be known. Well, Im God and I do know
exactly who voted for whom. Lets cut to the chase: Gore won Florida
by exactly 20,219 votes.

Shocking political analysts and pundits, Gods unexpected verdict
overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to
Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing
Gods Word for possible grounds for appeal.

Gods ruling is a classic over-reach, argued Bush campaign
strategist Jim Baker. Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S.
Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the
constitution of the state of Florida.

Jim Bakers a jackass, God responded. Hes got some surprises ahead
of him, let me tell you. Hot ones, if you know what I mean.

God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct,
explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no
grounds to give the White House to a friggin idiot. Look, only 612
people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest
meant to vote for Gore. Dont believe me? Ill name them: Anderson,
Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron…

The Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W.
Bushs prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him
today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job,
God has taken all of Bushs goats and livestock, stripped him of his
wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the
former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and
afflicted him with deep boils.

Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.

Q. Does everyone know about the new breakfast cereal that just came out, its called Prostitutes?

A. It doesnt snap, crackle or pop. It just lies there and bangs.

A lady walks into a lesbian bar and orders a Bloody Mary. A blonde walks over to her and said Where do you know me from?

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.The first man had married a woman from Kansas and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were washed and put away.The second man had married a woman from Alabama. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didnt see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was cleaned, dishes were done and she had a huge dinner on the table.The third man had married a West Virginia girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didnt see anything, the second day he didnt see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, Were prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?

She was talking to her Preacher one day about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together.

So, the females yelled at the male parrots, Were prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?

One male parrot said to the other, Put the Bibles away! Weve made it to heaven!

A man goes to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign
remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain
store. So he asks the butcher:

How much for engineer brain?

4 pounds per 100g.

How much for doctor brain?

6 pounds per 100g.

How much for lawyer brain?

100 pounds per gram.

100 pounds an per gram! Why is lawyer brain so expensive?

Do you have any idea how many lawyers you need to kill to get one gram of
brains?

Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it.

Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husbands glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN.

The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husbands glass of water. And that night they have sex.

The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before.

So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water.

A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks: Hello, hows the whole family doing??

The son, who answered the phone, answers: Well, my Moms dead, my Sisters pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, Here KITTY KITTY.

CS Rep: LOVE Technical Support.

Customer: Im not very technical, but I think I can do it if you talk me through. I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep: It depends. What programs are running?

Customer: Let me see … I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs will prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

Customer: I dont know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, Im done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep: Yes it is. You should see a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed now?

CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTs in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops … I have an error message already. What should I do?

CS Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says ERROR 412 – PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS. What does that mean?

CS Rep: Dont worry, thats a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in nontechnical terms it means you have to LOVE your own machine before it can LOVE others.

Customer: So what should I do?

CS Rep: Can you find the directory called SELF-ACCEPTANCE?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

CS Rep: Youre welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the MYHEART directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves into my HEART!

CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go …

Customer: Yes?

CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help

Jeffrey S. Davis, author

Javelin JV Planning