Old and New Jokes

A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, How do I look?PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My
Spouse.The first naked man a woman sees is Ken.Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.Oh, nothing, has an entirely different
meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.All women are overweight by definition; dont agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but dont bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.If it is not Valentines Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, What did you do?Only women understand the reason for guest towels and the good china.All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in more trouble).Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they left the seat up instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.Women dont really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You dont see women trampli

Pongan cuidado a esta estadistica.

a) En Japón se consumen muy pocas grasas y el índice de ataques al corazón en ese país es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

b) Por otro lado, en Francia se consumen bastantes grasas y aun así, el índice de ataques al corazón en ese país es menor al de Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

c) En la India apenas se bebe vino tinto y el índice de ataques al corazón en ese país es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

d) En España se bebe demasiado vino tinto y el índice de ataques al corazón en este país es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

f) En Argelia apenas se hace el amor y el índice de ataques al corazón en ese país es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

g) En Brasil se hace mucho el amor y el índice de ataques al corazón en este país es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

CONCLUSIÓN: Beba, coma y haga el amor sin parar, lo que mata es hablar inglés.

Un fulano va en un carro por la ciudad y decide darle jalón (aventón, o ride) a un mengano.

Van los dos, cuando de repente al llegar a un semáforo que cambiaba de amarillo a rojo, el fulano le mete al acelerador y pasa a toda velocidad en el cruce de calles.

¡¿Pero estás loco!?, le dice el mengano. ¡Nos vamos a matar!.

Es que un amigo mío me enseñó este truco, le dice el fulano tranquilamente.

Y así vuelve a ocurrir lo mismo en los siguientes 5 semáforos. Por supuesto que el mengano iba con el corazón en la garganta. Hasta que por fin llegan a uno que les da luz verde.

Repentinamente, el fulano pega un frenazo intempestivo y brusco.

Bueno, ¿y bien? ¿No vas a pasar con luz verde como Dios manda?, le dice el mengano.

Y contesta el fulano: No, porque no vaya a ser que por ahí se vaya a atravesar mi amigo.

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.



Jake asked her, What are you up to?



Alice smiled. Im going hunting with you!



Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, If you see a deer, take careful aim and Ill come running back as soon as I hear the shot.



Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldnt bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.



Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: Get away from my deer!



Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: Get away from my deer! followed by another volley of gunfire!



Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!

Knock Knock



Whos There?





Ophelia





Ophelia Who?





Ophelia Heinie

Whats the difference between a polythene bag and Michael Jackson?



A: One is made of plastic and dangerous to



children,the other is used to carry your



shopping home!

A redneck was standing in the middle of the road yelling, 57! 57! A blonde saw her doing this so she ran to the middle of the road and started yelling, 57! 57!.

A tractor trailer was coming down the road towards them at about 60 miles per hour, so the redneck jumped to the side of the road. The blonde, however, got hit by the truck and got smeared all over the road.

Then the redneck jumped back on the road and started yelling, 58! 58!

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee

They told me I was gullible…and I believed them!