Old and New Jokes

The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfields ear:



10. Got a little carried away after seeing Face/Off



9. Really wanted to win first prize on Americas Funniest Home Videos



8. Like this doesnt happen every year in the Masters



7. Whenever Moe bites Curlys ear, its hilarious!



6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith



5. I guess youve never heard of a little thing called strategy



4. Ears is tasty



3. It was self-defense — he wouldnt stop punching me!



2. Disqualified sounds better than got his ass kicked all over the ring



1. He ran out of gum

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.



The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.



And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying Dont worry, itll be up any minute now….

Whats green and flies over Poland?

Peter Panski.

Yo mama so tall she did a cartwheel and hit Jesus.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee…. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…

2. Pilot-Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land…its a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.

3. After landing: Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. WHOA!

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee…. Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you dont know how to operate one, you probably shouldnt be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but theyll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

8. Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.

9. As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

10. Last one off the plane must clean it.

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis whats left of our airplane to the gate!

13. Another flight Attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a Thanks for flying XYZ airline. He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, Sonny, mind if I as you a question? Why no, Maam, said the pilot, what is it? The little old lady said, Did we land or were we shot down?

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, well open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendants arrival announcement: Wed like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope youll think of us here at US Airways.

Laloo is having a bad morning, as he explains to one of his goons in the office. A letter had just arrived addressed to The Stupidest Man in Bihar. There was no other address on the envelope. Did you catch the guy who left it? asked the goon. Thats the problem, Laloo replies it came through the post office.

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12 years…chatting, and enjoying each others friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,… Please dont be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years…What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just cant.

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says…

How soon do you have to know?

I found this in the salon where I get my hair cut. The owner says she
feels these rules are correctly stated.

THE RULES*

For those of you who dont already know, these are the rules that are in
effect in every relationship.

The female always makes the rules.
These rules are subject to change at any time without prior
notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must
immediately change some or all of the rules.
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding
which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
If rule number six applies, the male must immediately apologize for
causing the misunderstanding.
The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
The male must never change his mind without express written consent of
the female.
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to
be angry or upset.
The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she
wants him to be calm, angry or upset.
Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
The female always gets the last word!

*These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit.

Actual statements from Hizzoner Mayor Marion Barry of Washington, DC.

The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather.

I promise you a police car on every sidewalk.

If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate.

First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? Im a night owl.

Bitch set me up.

I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Wheres Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less.

The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist.

I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?

People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the presidents. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are.

The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice.

I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600s. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican.

What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?

People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didnt break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!

I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man.

Santa Claus is a woman….I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe hes a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men dont even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, Im convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzens rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, hed still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa cant possibly be a man:

Men cant pack a bag.

Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.

Men dont answer their mail.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a bowlful of jelly.

Men arent interested in stockings unless somebodys wearing them.

Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment!