An article appeared in the Denver Rocky Mountain News today:
When President Clinton heard there were 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado, he immediately ordered Interior Secretary Bruce Babbitt to fire half of them.
Pat Schroeder, Congresswoman from Colorado stepped to request that the cattle guards should receive six months of retraining.
Newspaper people in the state swear this is all true!
We KNOW this is bunk! Cattle Guards have a union!
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.The brunette suggested, There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but its not going to be legal.That doesnt matter at all, replied the blonde. All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.Alright, replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldnt be a problem to sell your car.The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunettes advice.About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, Did you sell your car?No! replied the blonde. Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it.
Unos periodistas entrevistan a la madame de un puticlub de superlujo frecuentado por los altos cargos polÃticos.
Periodista: ¿Qué tal se portan los polÃticos en la cama?
Madame: Bien, bien. ¡No culean nada mal!
P: ¿Y viene gente importante?
M: Todos los peces gordos.
P: ¿Y que tal pagan?
M: En general bastante bien… Bueno, Pujol siempre está: ‘¡Mmmjjjj manden la factura a la Generalitat ¿eh?, la pela es la pela’; pero acaban pagando bien.
P: ¿Y Arzallus viene mucho por aqu�
M: Ése es el que menos viene.
P: ¿Cada cuánto?
M: Pues viene de tarde en tarde; saluda a su madre y enseguida se va.
News just in of Microsofts latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.
It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.
While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.
OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package.
At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.
CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what weve been doing to our customers for years.
An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.
The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.
Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me.
So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.
The little old lady turned to her husband and said He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!
You are so ugly the last time you got a piece of ass was when your hand slipped through the toilet paper.
Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.
When is it appropriate to throw a glass of wine in your
Italian girlfriends face?
When her beard is on fire.
Why do Mexicans drive around in Low Riders?
– So they can drive and pick vegetables at the same time.
Guy goes to the doctor to get the results of a health check. Doctor says Ive got good news and bad news, which do you want first? Guy says good news first. OK, You got 24 hours to live Dang, whats the bad news! I shoulda told you yesterday!