Why do Italian tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can watch the battle.

Seen on an Arkansas Car Bumper

Honk, if you havent had sex with Bill Clinton

The more I miss it, the meaner I get!!

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
One word: Flatulence!
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: Ive got new socks on!
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occassionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.
Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce Youre one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say mmmm…tasty!
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say Ding! at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf?
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say I think its getting larger.
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch!

It has come to my attention recently that many people have been turning
in timesheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive
Time (code 5300). To our department, unproductive time isnt a problem.

What is a problem is not knowing exactly what people are doing during
their unproductive time.

Ive attached a sheet specifying a tentative extended job list based on
my observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify
with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive
time. Please distribute this as necessary, and let me know about any
difficulties.

For your timesheets:

Job number Explanation
———- ———–
5300 Meeting
5300-100 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5300-200 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5310 Breaks
5310-100 Waiting for Break
5310-110 Buying Snack
5310-120 Eating Snack
5310-200 Waiting for Lunch
5310-210 Ordering Out
5310-220 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
5310-230 Taking it Easy While Digesting Food
5310-300 Waiting for End of Day
5310-400 Personal Evacuation
5310-410 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
5310-500 Company Drug Policy
5310-510 Recreational Drug Use

5320 Employee Relations
5320-100 Gossip
5320-110 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5320-120 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker
is not Present
5320-200 Imcompetence
5320-210 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5320-220 Covering for Incompetence of Manager
5320-300 Dealing with Fellow Workers
5320-310 Pretending You Like Coworker
5320-320 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They
are Jerks
5320-330 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
5320-400 Hazing of Employees
5320-410 Playing Pranks on the New Employee
5320-420 Playing Pranks on a Regular Employee
5320-430 Playing Pranks on an Incompetent Employee
5320-440 Playing Pranks on a Competent Employee
5320-450 Playing Pranks on the Intern/Temp
5320-460 Taking Credit for Playing Pranks on any Employee
5320-500 Sexual Harassment in the Workplace
5320-510 Making Passes at Coworker
5320-520 Sexually Harassing Coworker
5320-530 Sexual Intercourse
5320-540 Flirting

5330 Employee Training
5330-100 Concepts and Procedures
5330-110 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is not
Interested in Learning
5330-120 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5330-130 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5340 Procurement
5340-100 Company Goods
5340-110 Stealing Company Goods
5340-120 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
5340-130 Grocery Shopping (Coffee, Tea, M&Ms…)
5340-200 Company Resources
5340-210 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
5340-220 Running your own Business on Company Time
5340-230 Working on a second job during Company Time

5350 Timesheet Activities
5350-100 Filling Out Timesheet
5350-200 Timesheet Entries
5350-210 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5350-220 Organizing Timesheet Entries

5360 Telephone Activities
5360-100 Long-Distance Calls
5360-110 Personal Calls
5360-200 Speaking to a professional
5360-210 Divorce Lawyer
5360-220 Plumber
5360-230 Dentist
5360-240 Doctor
5360-300 Speaking to a contractor
5360-310 Fence (In Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods)
5360-320 Masseuse
5360-330 House Painter
5360-340 Personal Therapist
5360-350 Mistress
5360-400 Sales Calls
5360-410 Someone who wants to be your broker
5360-420 Hardware vendors who think you make decisions
5360-430 Software vendors who think the company will spend money to
make your job easier
5360-440 Systems vendors who want to automate your job

5370 Complaints
5370-100 Bitching about:
5370-110 Lousy Job
5370-120 Low Pay
5370-130 Long Hours
5370-140 Coworker
5370-150 Boss
5370-160 Personal Problems
5370-170 General Bitching
6370-180 Business Difficulties

5380 Inspirational Activities
5380-100 Anticipation
5380-110 Waiting for Something to Happen
5380-200 Personal Hygene
5380-210 Scratching Yourself
5380-220 Sleeping
5380-300 Personal Feelings
5389-310 Feeling Horny
5380-320 Feeling Bored
5380-330 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
5380-400 Meditation
5380-410 Staring Into Space
5380-420 Staring At Computer Screen
5380-430 Transcendental Meditation
5380-500 Fantasizing
5380-510 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
5380-520 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
5380-530 Unproductive Fantasizing

5390 Networking
5390-100 Fictional Writing
5390-110 Writing a Book on Company Time
5390-120 Writing an expose about the Company on Company Time
5390-200 Technical Writing
5390-210 Sending Jokes around the Office
5390-220 Sending Jokes around the Internet

5400 Event Planning
5400-100 Birthdays
5400-200 Anniversaries
5400-300 Vacations
5400-400 Weddings

This was sent to me in a more disorganized format. I reworked it and
organized it.

Carl Schelin
carl.schelin@hq.nasa.gov

Three brothers Neil, Jeb and Dub, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

Come have a look over here, says Neil, Its Obidiah Jones grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.

Thats nothing, says Jeb, heres one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died.

Just then, Dub yells out, But heres a fella that died when he was 145 years old!

What was his name? asks Neil.

Dub lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, Miles, from Austin.

What happened to a Brighton Beach prostitute who had an appendectomy performed by a Soviet emigre surgeon?

He sewed up the wrong hole, so now shes making money on the side.

From Dick Reboulet, circa 1966:

A prize bull and a prize cow got together and decided theyd have a little
prize calf. So they did. When he was born, they decided hed have the
best of everything–food, education, … So they kept him in a little
compound separated from the hoi polloi. But as he reached puberty, he
looked out through the chain-link fence at all the cows out there, and
drooled. He would back up to the far corner of his pen, and study the
top of the barbed-wire topped fence. He always concluded he couldnt
make it. But one day, he decided he was big and strong enough. He backed
up to the farthest corner, and ran like hell. He jumped over the fence,
and made it, almost. Just then, papa bull came ambling along the fence
line, noticed his son bleeding, noticed what was hanging on the barbed
wire atop the fence, noticed his son bleeding … At last he consoled
his son: Dont worry, son, you can always be a consultant.

Dog They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.

Goldfish Just because I have a three-second memory, they dont think Ill mind eating the same fish flakes … Oh boy! Fish flakes!

Dog Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!

Goldfish The wimp-ass knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!

Parrot Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!

Dog Human legs that just tease.

Cat Why are these people in my house?

Dog What the … HEY!!! Where are my balls?!?

Goldfish Oh, tap-tap-tap! Theres a new one!

What does a redneck say before he gets injured?