Old and New Jokes

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why
cant they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

A farmer went lookin 4 his goat in the jungle. In the same jungle there was this couple doing it.

The guys yells out, What a nice bush!, and the farmer hollers back, Would you mind checking if my goat is in that bush?

Hi,

I saw this yesterday evening on a condom vending machine in the mens room:

Bei Versagen bitte Kinder einschicken.

And that is in english:

In case of failure, send in children.

One day a bunette, a redhead and a blonde walked into a thrift store. They noticed a strange-looking mirror in the back of the store, and asked the shop assistant what it was.Its a magical mirror, she replied. If you look into it and say something true, it will give you your hearts desire. If you say something untrue, however, it will suck you into the mirror for eternity.The girls decided to give it s shot.The brunette stepped up. I like ice cream, she said, and walked away with $1,000,000 in cash in her bag.The redhead stepped up. I live in California, she said, and drove away in a sleek red sports car filled with spunky surfer guys.The blonde stepped up. I think… she started, and was sucked into the mirror for eternity.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your sons room.

Worse: Youre in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.

Worse: With each other.

Good: The teacher likes your son.

Bad: Sexually.

Good: You go to see a strip show.

Bad: Your daughters the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriends exercising.

Bad: So hell fit in your clothes.

Good: Your daughters on the Pill.

Bad: Shes eleven.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.

Bad: Shes coming home.

Optional M.O.M. technology automatically yells at you to Go outside and get some fresh air for every hour of game play.
Built-in catheter helps extend those marathon DOOM sessions!
Makes you feel really cool for a couple of weeks, with nearly twice as many Ill be your best friend offers!
Broadband access enables joystick to double as a SCUD missile launcher.
You can play it naked!
Razzes you about how your country still cant even manufacture a decent television set.
Panic button switches the screen to porn whenever your wife walks in the room, so she wont think youre a game geek.
Timer automatically counts down to exact moment of obsolescence.
Groundbreaking, truly interactive technology allows you to use your own penis, or that of a friend, as a joystick.
New Campaign 2000 edition has an Al Gore thats 33% more lifelike than the original, a George W. Bush with realistic SnortSurround sound, and a Ralph Nader which doesnt do anything for itself, but helps destruct competing models.
Special butter churn attachment for Elijahs Virtual Churnmaster 3000 results in awesome, realistic butter churning!
Label on underside has cool recipe for vegan babaganoush.
Secret command sequence causes head of annoying dweeb who lives next door to explode.
CPU now draws a full 75% of its power from your pent-up sexual frustration.

and Topfive.coms Number 1 Cool Feature of the Sony PlayStation 2 …

Highspeed internet access allows you to play online with other losers who paid $1000 for a friggin toy.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]

[Ed: Winner of one of the 1991 Original Comedy Awards.]

Do these guys at Radio Shack ever get on your nerves, asking you
for a bunch of personal data when youre just there to buy something as
simple as a couple AA batteries? I think we should inconvenience these
people as much as they do us. A while ago I was in Enid buying a printer
cable adaptor and the guy asked me for my name.

Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson, I replied.

(blank look of confusion)

How do you spell that? he asked, obviously not wanting to know.

With a hyphen, I clarified

Once more? he asked

Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson

Could you please spell that? he asked, glancing at the half dozen
people waiting behind me.

Oh… just like it sounds, I said nonchalantly.

Putting down Johnson, he went on and asked about the address.

Washburn, Wisconsin, 14701 N.E. Wachatanoobee Parkway, Complex 3,
Building O, Appt. 1382b, I replied.

Almost through writing all this down, I said, Or did you mean
current address?

Stoping, he said, (becoming irritated) Yes. Current address.

Diluthian Heights, Mississippi, 1372 S. Tinatonabee Avenue,
Building 14C, Suite 2, Box 138201, I replied quite slowly.

Waiting until he finished I said, No, wait, its NORTH Tinatonabee
Avenue. Annoyed, he backed up and changed it.

I think, I interjected.

And is all this correct? he asked in a standard manner.

Of course not, I replied, leaving, If you want my REAL name and
address, look at the damned credit card receipt.

A little mean, I must admit, but no jury would convict me… at least,
none that had been to Radio Shack.

Q:How is a blonde and a screen door alike?

A:The harder you bang them the looser they get.

A Slide Rule doesnt shut down abruptly when it gets too hot.
One hundred people all using Slide Rules and Paper Pads do not start wailing and screaming due to a single-point failure.
A Slide Rule doesnt smoke whenever the power supply hiccups.
A Slide Rule doesnt care if you smoke, or hiccup.
You can spill coffee on a Slide Rule; you can use a Slide Rule while completely submerged in coffee.
You never get nasty system messages about filling up your entire paper quota with pointless GIF pictures for the root window.
A Slide Rule and Paper Pad fit in a briefcase with space left over for lunch or a change of underwear.
A properly used Slide Rule can perform pipelined *and* parallel operations. (Okay, you need a guru for this.)
You dont get junk mail offering pricey software upgrades that fix current floating point errors while introducing new ones.
A Slide Rule doesnt need scheduled hardware maintenance.
A Paper Pad supports text and graphics images easily, and can be easily upgraded from monochrome to color.
Slide Rules are designed to a standardized, open architecture.
You can hold a Slide Rule at arms length, to hit the obnoxious person at the next seat over.
A Slide Rule is immune to viruses, worms, and other depredations from hostile adolescents with telephones.
Additional Paper Pads can be integrated into the system seamlessly and without needing to reconfigure everything.
Nobody will make you feel bad by introducing a smaller, faster, cheaper slide rule next month.

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husbands funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, Wouldnt it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that hes wearing?

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, Actually, it didnt cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.

She said that was fine with her.

So… I switched the heads