What is the best way to get a man to do sit-ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

(This article was taken from the December 1995 issue of Self magazine, written by Stephanie Dolgoff.)

SNAGs? WIPs? TODs? What do you call a man if wuss or hunk fails to cover all the subtleties of a time when everyone seems to be in therapy, scared of commitment, working through issues or just coming off a bad breakup? In the spirit of DINS (Double Income No Sex), weve compiled the essential guide to love and disfunction using acronyms to sum up the men and the mind-boggling situations that everyone has encountered while pursuing a real relationship.

SNAG

(Sensitive New Age Guy)

Searching for a sensitive guy? Be careful you dont hit a SNAG. These guys use moves theyve picked up from the _sincerely_ empathetic tupes to they , in turn, can pick up women. They walk the walk by letting you pay for dinner after yoga class, and even talk the talk – Im really concerned about how you feel – but they never really listen. Fear not; After encountering a few SNAGS, youll be able to spot the truly sensitive guy when he comes along.

WIP

(Work In Progress)

A guy with potential whom you take on knowing that youll be spoon-feeding him tips on basic social skills: If you could ask me how Im doing once in a while, that would be really great or, depending upon your standards, Honey, thats a fork. We use it to eat.

ICH

(Ill Change Him)

You have an ICH (pronounced itch) when you tend tragically toward WIPs. Best bet: Scratch the WIPs off your list and leave the ICH syndrome to someone with nothing better to do.

PG

(Probably Gay)

If hes handsome, smart, funny, unmarried and utterly uninterested in you, he gets a PG rating. Yes, its politically incorrect. No, its never 100 percent accurate. Of course, its not fair. But egos must be preserved.

TOD

(Therapy Overdose)

You know youre dating a TOD (pronounced toad) when he cant seem to stop using phrases like compulsive personality, codependency, and obsessive to justify the error of his ways or to criticize your perfectly human foibles. TODs tend to use therapy jargon to dodge responsibility, as in I recognize I have issues around monogamy, but transferring pent-up anger about your father makes me want to retreat, rather than admitting to having slept with his coworker. Again.

NIC

(Now Im Cool)

NICs are those guys who have never gotten over being considered dweebs in high school and are intent on making up for lost time by cutting a wide remantic swath through the female population. If I can date her, I must be able to get someone better, they think during the middle of your third – and final – date.

YOC

(You Ordered Coffee)

A YOC date (pronounced yuck) is one where he insists on dividing the check to the penny, according to how many fries and and cups of coffee you each consumed. He wont be sexually or emotionally generous either.

IBM

(Ideal Breeding Material)

Having just set eyes on an IBM, youre already calculating your possible genetic combinations with him and visualizing what your child would look like if he were the dad.

MOL

(My Other Line)

MOL describes the use of an actual or imagined call-waiting beep to escape a conversation. He wouldnt get off the phone, so I had to MOL him. A gross breach of telephone etiquette, but its an effective technique nonetheless.

PUP

(Pick-Up Potential)

A PUP is anyone you deep worthy of your attention. For example, you see a PUP on the stairclimber at the gym and you consider asking out for a postworkout fruit juice.

SIS

(Stud In Spandex)

A gym predator who peacocks in front of the full-length mirror, the SIS only pauses to offer to spot you when you are hoisting those arduous three-pound free weights. His interest lies in swapping sweat, not knowledge.

BOOR

(Babe Out Of Reach)

The average-looking guy who wipes the mustard off his childs shirt becomes a BOOR – instantly because hes unavailable.

From Late Show with David Letterman

Top Ten Signs Youve Gone To a Bad Chiropractor

10. When you walk, you make a wacky accordion sound.

9. Keeps saying, A spine is like a box of chocolates.

8. Repeatly asks, You a cop? You sure you aint a cop?

7. Over and over, you hear crunching sounds followed by Uh-oh.

6. Theres a two drink minimum.

5. At end of session, lies down on the table and says, My turn!

4. He was nowhere near Woodstock and yet hes covered with mud.

3. Rushes in late to your appointment still wearing his Burger King uniform.

2. Hints that for an extra $50, hell straighten something else.

1. Youre fully-clothed and hes naked.

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, one older worker had had enough.Why dont you put your money where your mouth is, he said. I will bet a weeks wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that other building that you wont be able to wheel back.Youre on, old man, the braggart replied. Lets see what you got.The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, All right. Get in.

A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at Lakeside Mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his Father: What is this Father?.

The Father responded: Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I dont know what it is!.

While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son Go get your Mother.

These three friends, a Dentist, a Carpenter, and an Electrician were sitting around trying to decide what prank to pull on a mutual friend. Their friend was getting married soon, and his good buddies just felt compelled to play some prank, as all good buddies would.

After sitting around brainstorming for a while, the Electrician had a thought, I know! I know! I can wire the bed so that when our friend and his new bride sit on it and touch one another, theyll get a good shock.

The Carpenter perked up and added, and I can rig the bed so that when they get shocked and jump apart, the bed will collapse.

The Dentist just sat in silence, because he couldnt think of a thing to do.

After the fortunate couples wedding and honeymoon, the groom called his friends together for a chat. He said to them, Well, when we sat on the bed and got a shock, it wasnt that bad. And then when we jumped apart and the bed fell in, we had a good laugh. But whos bright idea was it to put the Novacaine in the Vaseline?!?!?!?!?

Date: 3rd May 0023

TO:

Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).

13a Sandy Wasteland Square,

Just Next to the Pizza Hut,

Judea.

Dear Sirs,

It is Mr. Christs understanding that you are planning to write and publish a biography of him in the near future. Such a biography would, he is sure you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if it were published in the form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up with the highest authority.

However he can fully understand your wish to write about his life and will sanction such a project a number of conditions:

That the title of the book be The Holy Bible and not as you propose, Hot and Salty – Our Sexy Saviors Saucy Story.

That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He suggest you utilise the virgin birth scenario. Mr. Christ realises that this is entirely ludicrous but suggests that no-one ever went bust underestimating the credibility of the average religious zealot.

That all references to the incident involving the members of members of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden spoon to be exised forthwith.

That the death scene to be pepped up as it were. The actual circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough. An accident with a wine jar and a stray fish just does not have the theatrical impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric effects of a large cast.

That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to My dearest Wooly-Boo with all my love, squiggles.

That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be introduced to give him away to the authorities. The reality of the case, that he was shopped by his Mother and done for indecent exposure, should on no account be discussed.

And the so called Parable of the Leather Undergarment be removed or at least modified.

As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why you should not write and publish your proposed biography although he doesnt see it as a success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed your previous books, especially Murderburger Hell-High and Slutslaughter – Slashin the Winded. Your suggested biography of him appears to be in the same vein and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer of a profit sharing scheme in return for his appearing to promote the book. In any case Mr. Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his promotion for Shake n Vac.

Yours sincerely.

Adam G Smith.

pp Jesus H Christ.

Recently, I was at a professional football game supporting my favorite team. My seat wasnt the greatest, so when i noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line 10 rows up, I headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if the seat was taken. He replied, No.

I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, My wife use to love to come to these games until she died.

Why didnt you give this seat away to a friend? I asked.

He replied, Because they are all at her funeral.

There was a young lady named Gloria

whod been had by Sir Gerald Di Maurier,

and then by six men,

Sir Gerald again,

and the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.

Lyles Joke Boutique.

There was a man who was throwing a party at his house when suddenly and unexpectedly the devil showed up.

All of the people at the party started running out of the house except for the one man who was throwing the party.

The devil asked the man, Why arent you running away like the rest of those fools?

The ran replied, Are you kidding? Why should I?

Ive been married to your sister for 28 years!