If I like it, its mine.
If its in my hand, its mine.
If I can take it from you, its mine.
If I had it a little while ago, its mine.
If its mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If Im doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, its mine.
If I think its mine, its mine.
If I …
Oops! Im sorry, I goofed! Instead of typing in the Toddler Property Laws, Ive been typing in Bill Gates primary Business Plan.
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game.
During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the
game as themselves, and are really impressed.
After the game they ask her how is it that you know so much about
baseball?
She says, Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change.
The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. what was the most
painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?
That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.
Was it when they cut off your balls?
That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.
What was the most painful part?
The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!
[Ed: I thought this was a nice variant of this usually anti-female joke, although
I think the other one (when they scooped out half my brains) is
funnier for its sheer offensiveness. ]
Interviewer asks in America: Excuse me, what is your opinion
on the meat shortage?
And the reply is… Shortage? Whats a shortage?
Interviewer asks in Poland: Excuse me, what is your opinion
on the meat shortage?
And the reply is… Meat? Whats meat?
Interviewer asks in Russia: Excuse me, what is your opinion
on the meat shortage?
And the reply is… Opinion? Whats an opinion?
Interviewer asks in Israel: Excuse me, what is your opinion
on the meat shortage?
And the reply is… Excuse me? Whats excuse me?
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you whats bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with womens crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
In a restroom at IBMs Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it:THINK!The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read:THOAP!
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere …
The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.
The two Swedish men are contemplating suicide while the gorgeous woman goes on talking about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least its not snowing and the taxes are low.
The Irish began by setting up a distillery. They dont remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey.
IDIOT SIGHTINGS…
Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? I said, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled and nodded knowingly, Thats why we ask.
Idiot Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, What on earth are blind people doing driving!
Idiot Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to downsizing, our manager spoke up and said, this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often, Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Idiot Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Idiot Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passengers side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. Hey, I announced to the technician, its open! I know, answered the young man. I already got that side…
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid-eighties.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, So tell me, do I come here often?
Continuing Education Courses for Women
Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!! He really had good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. But when the fun was over, he found that he could not
take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information.
He tried every button on the instrument. Some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less, but none would remove it. Panicking, he called the
suppliers Customer Service Hotline. The farmer: Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cows udder? Customer Service: Dont worry. The machine was programmed such that it will release automatically after collecting about 2 liters of milk.