Old and New Jokes

What does the Jewish Santa Claus say?

Ho ho ho! Any of you kids wanna buy some toys?

A mob of people with water in it.

Just a reminder, Richard Pryor will be here
on Thursday to speak on behalf of the ignited Negro fund.

Q.how do you fit an elephant into a subway? A.take the s away from sub and the f away from way

Did you hear about the guy who drove his Ford Chevy truck into the lake?

It sank… like a rock!

If IBM made toasters …
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters …
Everytime you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldnt have to take the toaster, but youd have to pay for it anyway. Toaster95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you wanted your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters …
It would do everything Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

If Fisher-Price made toasters …
Babys First Toaster would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters …
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters …
Your toaster would have a secret trapdoor that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

Does Digital (formerly DEC) still make toasters …
They made good toasters in the 70s, didnt they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters …
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Sony made toasters …
Their Personal Toasting Device, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If The Franklin Mint made toasters …
Every month you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.

If Cray made toasters …
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If Thinking Machines made toasters …
You would be able to toast 64,000,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Timex made toasters …
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Radio Shack made toasters …
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could by all the parts to build your own toaster.

If K-Tel sold toaster …
They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives with each one.

If XAVIER made toasters …
First, they would make a temporary toaster. They would plan for it to serve for several weeks while the permanent toaster was being made. Then because the new improved toaster will be so much better, they would reroute all the traffic within 3 miles of the permanent toaster. Anyone wanting to use the temporary toaster would have to walk to Kentucky and back in order to use it. They would say that the permanent toaster will be ready in five months; however, it would not be ready for at least seven months.

John OReilly hoisted his beer and said,
Heres to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife! That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.She said, Aye, what was your toast? John said, Heres to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.
Oh that is very nice indeed, John! Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of Johns toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary. She said, Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, hes only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

Veterinarians have evening hours.
Your kitten wont be able to disturb the whole movie with its crying. Hell, you dont even have to take the kitten with you, and if you dont, you dont even have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight.
Your kitten wont grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three months.
Kittens look cute if they havent had a bath in a month.
You probably dont have to lie awake nights wondering how youre going to finance your kittens college education.
No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you dont want to breast feed your kitten.
No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle your kitten.
Dan Quayle cant accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the country if you arent married to the father of your kitten. In fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is.
No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten.

And the Number One reason why kittens are better than babies…

You only have to change the litter box once a day.

This guy enters a contest to see who can write the dirtiest limerick.

He writes a real doozie and figures that hes a lead-pipe cinch to win. Six weeks later he gets a notice in the mail that hes come in second place. Curious as to what could be filthier than the limerick he entered, he calls up the contest judge.

The judge says, Well, you certainly had a fine entry, but there was one that just was hands-down dirtier than yours. Id read it to you, but there are certain words I just cant say over the telephone.

All right, the contestant says, when you come to a word you cant say on the phone, just say the word blank.

So the contest judge says, Good. Heres the winner:

Blankety, blankety, blank

Blankety, blankety, blank.

Blankety blank,

Blankety blank,

Blankety blankety fuck.

Quotes about computers and software and other things
—————————————————-
Collected by Steen Hansen Hviid, Columbus, Ohio, USA

Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things,
because that would also stop them from doing clever things.
–Doug Gwyn

Walking on water and developing software from a specification
are easy if both are frozen.
— Edward V. Berard, Life-Cycle Approaches

True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches.
Once youve turned the light on everyone can see……….
– unknown

An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot
– Rich Julius

The C Programming Language – A language which combines the
flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.

Pascal – A programming language named after a man who would
turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

I havent lost my mind, I have it backed up on tape somewhere.

CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh!!

PROGRAM – n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn
ones input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime
similar to banging ones head against a wall, but with fewer
opportunities for reward.

On the Internet, nobody knows youre a dog.
– cartoon in the New Yorker

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it
correct, not tried it.
Donald Knuth

Beware of programmers with screwdrivers.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

PCMCIA – People Cant Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

Windows, another fine product from the folks who gave us EDLIN.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving
to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe
trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is
winning.
— Rich Cook

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it
harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
— Bjarne Stroustrup

Ive never met a human being who would want to read 17,000
pages of documentation, and if there was, Id kill him to get him out
of the gene pool.
— Joseph Costello, President of Cadence

The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
appearance, the variable pi can be given that value with a DATA statement
and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also
simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
— FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should,
therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
— E. W. Dijkstra

It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
students that [sic] have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential
programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
— Dijkstra

Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read.
— Joshua Heller

The Internet is mightier than the pen.

I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained
it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and
low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born
relatively cold. I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the
crust to be absent — not because I wanted to know the answer, but because
I had developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular
case. Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsars
temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error.
I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
program to the point where it would not run at all.
— George Greenstein,
Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars

A system admins life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has
over Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On
the other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
new versions of their own innards!
— Michael OBrien