What do Rubicks Cubes and penises have in common?

The more you play with them, the harder they get.

Q:What do you call a blonde with hair dyed brunette

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A: Artificial Intelligence

En su fiesta de despedida de soltero, un tipo se emborracha y tiene un accidente en su miembro con una puerta. Lo llevan de emergencia a un hospital y el médico decide entablillarlo.

Al día siguiente, en la noche de bodas, la esposa le dice:

¡Mi amor, me conserve virgen para ti!

Entonces el marido se destapa y dice:

¡Mira, mi amor, está sin desembalar!

Una mujer y su hijita van a visitar la tumba de la abuela. Cuando vuelven a la casa, la nenita le pregunta:

¡Mamá, mamá! ¿A veces entierran a más de una persona en una misma tumba?

¡Por supuesto que no! ¿de dónde sacaste esa idea?

En la tumba de al lado de la de la abuela decía: Aquí se encuentra enterrado un abogado y una buena persona.

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. What can I get you? the bartender inquired.



I want 6 shots of Jagermeister, responded the young man.



6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?



Yeah, my first blowjob, the man answered.



Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.



No offense, sir. But if 6 shots wont get rid of the taste, nothing will.

She went into an hunted house and came out with an application





when she joined an ugly contest, they said Sorry, no professionals.





she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.





even Freddy Krueger has nightmares of her.





they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.





they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower





they didnt give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.





instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck





when a cop asked for her drivers license he arrested her for carrying a concealed weapon.





she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.





that she scared the shit out of the toilet.





she went to get her nose pierced & got stabbed in the ass!





when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras





her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.





the government moved Halloween to her birthday.





that if ugly were bricks shed have her own projects.





she made an onion cry.





when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours… for a quote!





she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!





she looks out the window and gets arrested!





even Rice Krispies wont talk to her!





Ted Dansen wouldnt date her!





for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!





she turned Medusa to stone!





The NHL banned her for life





people go as her for Halloween.





that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.





she scares the roaches away.





I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.





that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesnt have to kiss her goodbye.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Detail!
Detail who?
Detail-a phone operator!

Free time which unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted.

Some time ago, someone had posted an article saying how the existance of Santa Claus was impossible. I took this article and sent it to a number of friends on campus. Somehow, it got to one of the professors on campus by the name of Ted Davis. He wrote the following reply.

Dear Mr. Crowell:

The analysis you sent me about the death of Santa Claus, based on classical physics, is seriously flawed owing to its neglect of quantum phenomena that become significant in his particular case. As it happens, the terminal velocity of a reindeer in dry December air over the Northern Hemisphere (for example) is known with tremendous precision. The mass of Santa and his sleigh (since the number of children and their gifts is also known precisely, ahead of time, and the reindeer must weigh in minutes before the flight) is also known with tremendous precision. His direction of flight is, as you say, essentially east to west.

All of that, when taken together, means that the momentum vector of Mr Claus and his cargo is known with incredible precision. An elementary application of Heisenbergs uncertainty principle yields the result that Santas location, at any given moment on Christmas Eve, is highly imprecise. In other words, he is smeared out over the surface of the earth, analogous to the manner in which an electron is smeared out within a certain distance from the nucleus in an atom. Thus he can, quite literally, be everywhere at any given moment.

In addition, the relativistic velocities which his reindeer can attain for brief moments make it possible for him, in certain cases, to arrive at some locations shortly before he left the North Pole. Santa, in other words, assumes for brief periods the characteristics of tachyons. I will admit that tachyons remain hypothetical, but then so do black holes, and who really doubts their existence anymore?

Hence, to sum up my reply: Yes, Virginia, there is a Bob Knight, and there is an Indiana. Now, what were we talking about…?

Yrs sincerely,

E.B. Davis, Ph.D., A.B.D., I.D.I.O.T., Fellow

This man goes to confession and says, Forgive me father for I have sinned. The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the F-word over the weekend. The priest says, Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.



The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the F-word. The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church. The priest says, And you got upset over that and swore? The man replied, No, that wasnt why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees. The priest said, And thats when you swore.



The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, No, it wasnt. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree. The priest asked, Is that when you said the F-word?



The man replied, No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away.



The priest let out a breath and queried, Is that when you swore?



The man replied, No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole.



The priest screamed, Dont tell me you missed the f***ing putt!!!