The City Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. The chef then proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.

Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing up this infraction when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked and bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.

Thats nothing, said the manager, you should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didnt bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, I think Ill walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.



He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, I cant do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe youd better go talk to them.



The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: Small world.

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, You seem like nice young men, and Id like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. Ill see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, How did you do over the weekend? Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever. 17 people? Thats wonderful. What did you tell them? I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this





_

/

| | O

_ /



and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.



Thats admirable, said the judge. And you, how did you do? (to the 2nd boy)



Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.



156 people! Thats amazing! How did you manage to do that!



Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison…..

Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.

It is when you trip over your own shoes that you start picking up shoes.

Thinking is hard work. One cant bear burdens and ideas at the same time.

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome and didnt really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldnt say a word. She said, Im going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me. I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnt ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Why do Jewish American Princesses have crows feet?

– From squinting and saying Suck What?

Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?

A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

OK, so theres this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. Shes cruisin about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45.

To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back.

Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.

The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.

The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde.

When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically.

He asks her, Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!

She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, While you werent looking I stepped out of the circle!