Ol Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol Freds condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol Fred died. He said, You know, Ol Fred handed me a note just before he died. I havent looked at it, but knowing Fred, Im sure theres a word of inspiration there for us all. He opened the note, and read, Ass****, youre standing on my oxygen tube!

Whats the difference between a condom and a cockpit?

You can only fit one dick in a condom.

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, Heres a pill for English literature. The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

What else do you have? asks the student.

Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history, replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, Do you have a pill for math?

The pharmacist says, Wait just a moment, goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

I have to take that huge pill for math? inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow.

A hippopotamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. That will be $7.50 please says the bartender. So the hippo gives the bartender his money and starts to sip his beer. You know we dont very many hippos in here mutters the bartender.

The hippo replies, At these prices its no wonder!

(J. Daniel Smiths East German joke the other day reminded of this one.
Bill Fason told it to me a few years ago. –DG)

One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk
with his mistress. He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a
present of her choice.

She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, Oh, Erich,
if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open
the borders just for one day.

Honnecker said, Of course, my dear, but was a bit puzzled by her
request. He asked, But why would you have me do such a thing?

The mistress replied, I want to be alone with you.

[Ed: This joke was from early 1989–prophetic, or what?]

[Heard basic joke a long time ago. Revised by me to sound better.]

A pool salesman, Hal, had to travel cross country for a meeting with one of
his suppliers. This entailed leaving his wife, Vanessa, alone for about four
days. This worried Hal, since he had caught Vanessa eyeing men on and
off for the last couple of months. He decided to go down to the mall.
They had this neat little sex shop there were he could buy her some sort
of playtoy, in hopes of diverting her sexual energy.

The next day he went there on his lunchbreak. He opens the door and is
met immediately by a little Chinese man Hewwo, how may I hep you?
Im going out of town next week, and I dont trust my wife by herself.
What can you give me to occupy her while I am gone, so she doesnt find
another man?

The little man thinks a second, and then his face lights up,Oh! I
have perfect cure for woman who be horny! He goes back through a beaded
curtain, and returns a minute later with a dusty, gray shoe-like box,
grinning from ear to ear. This exactly what you need.

Hal looks at the box, so far unimpressed. The little man opens the box
and moves over a bit into the light. Hal peers inside, and sees what looks
like an ordinary dildo. Whats so special about that? I can get that
anywhere, Hal says.

The little mans grin gets even bigger. No, No, silly American, this
Voodoo dick.

Voodoo dick. What the hell is Voodoo dick? Says Hal

You watch closely, replies the little man, and then exclaims Voodoo
dick, the door!

And to Hals amazement, the dildo slowly levitates out of the box, and
heads for the door. When it gets to the door, it lunges back and forth
and back and forth at it, reducing it to splinters until nothing is left
of it. It then returns to the box and floats gently inside.

After witnessing this, Hal, in total amazement, says, I must have it!
Its perfect! How much is it?

Two thousand dollar, says the little man.

Two thousand! Thats highway robbery! says Hal.

OK, Mr., if you no want…

No No, OK, Ill take it, concedes Hal.

Good, says the little man. Will that be cash or VISA?

Sheesh….. says Hal.

Hal gets home that evening, and his wife meets him at the door. Whats
in the box? asks Vanessa. Oh nothing says Hal.

Please tell me. Please please please….

OK, its for you, a special present. Hal says, and opens the box.
Vanessa glances inside and sees the dildo. Hal! I already have….oops,
I mean, gee what is it?

Its a Voodoo dick! When Im gone, and you get real horny, just open
this box, and say Voodoo dick – my pussy. and youll be completely
satisfied Hal says.

Hmmm….what will happen? asks Vanessa

Youll see….youll see….

Two days later, Hals on his trip. Vanessa is getting real horny. She
thinks, Gee, that man that cleans pools for Hal might be interested…nah
Ill try out this Voodoo dick thingamabob. She goes and gets the box,
opens it up, and peers inside. She sets the box down, and gets undressed
and sits back on the bed. She reaches part way into the box, and thinks for
a moment, and draws her hand back out. Voodoo dick! My pussy! she says.

Voodoo dick floats out of the box, and heads right for her crotch. It
gets to her, and enters her, lunging back and forth. She lays back on the
bed, thinking that this is the most incredible thing she has ever seen, or
*felt*. She has one orgasm, two, three, and its still going. How does she
get it to stop? Four…five…Oh gees, she thinks, I have to get this
thing to stop.

She gets up, starts for the phone, then thinks. Nah, Ill have to drive
to the hospital, theyll know how to stop it.

She puts a dress on, gets the keys to her car, and heads out, all the while
Voodoo dick is still going at her. Shes in the car driving down the road,
having her sixth, no seventh orgasm, trying to concentrate on the road.
She looks in her mirror and sees flashing red and blue. Oh shit. A damn
cop. She pulls over slowly.

The cop walks up to the car Good evening, may I see your licence, proof
of insurance, and registration please?

S-s-sure officer….its r-r-r-right h-h-here She hands it to him.

Have you been drinking tonight lady?

N-n-n-no I havent O-o-o-officer. I have to get t-t-to the h-h-hospital.

Are you sick? Whats the problem? the cop says.

I have a Voodoo dick in my pussy that wont come out.

A WHAT? the cop asks again.

A Voodoo dick…..p-p-p-please…

The cop thinks about it for a second. Now hes seen it all, he thinks.

He looks at her, and says, VOODOO DICK MY ASS!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Kenneth!
Kenneth who?
Kenneth little kids play with you!

Your kids LIKE the Arch Deluxe hamburger at McDonalds.

You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong.

You *have* a clawfoot bathtub.

The late Sir Thomas Beecham used to say the sound of the harpsichord is like two skeletons making love on a tin roof.

¡Doctor, doctor! ¿Por qué cada vez que me miro en el espejo se me empalma?

No me extraña nada, responde el facultativo.

Sorprendido, el paciente inquiere:

¡Oiga, no me asuste y dígamelo ya de una maldita vez!

No me extraña, con la cara de coño que tiene usted…