Old and New Jokes

Bill Gates in his early thirties decided that he should get married. He puts a personal ad in a newspaper and he only gets one reply. What the heck, he says and meets the woman. She is ok, so after a few weeks they get married.

On the first night of their marriage, Bill was hoping to have the greatest time of his life. He got himself stark naked in the bathroom, admired his body (!) in the mirror and walked into the bedroom where his wife was waiting.

After a few minutes of foreplay, she turns to him and says: Gee, now I know why you call your company Micro-Soft.

Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible:

The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.

Noahs wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. (I used this one alot when I was a kid…wait…I still do!)

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. (Used by Bill Clinton…Monica who?)

Moses died before he ever reached the UK. (Lucky for him that is.)

Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. (What…they launch their Depends at em?)

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. (and still alive and residing in Hackensack, N.J.)

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. (Hey…he needed the extra pricks.)

The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. (Hey testicle…I have headache. Aw SHUT UP an keep wandering!)

one day John got itching in his inner part of the thigh, he went to the chemist and asked for ITCHGUARD, Chemist give him VIAGRA and ITCHGUARD, John ask ITCHGUARD is OK but why VIAGRA?, Chemist tells him, Viagra will help in keeping the blanket up whole night,

For more Humor on Viagra visit the the site : http://www.viagrapunch.com/viagra_humour.html

Besides I love you, what three words does a wife want to hear most?

Ill fix it.

They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the
first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the
actual first page of the Bible. When deciphered, it read:

Copyright (c) 300 B.C. God. All Rights Reserved
First scrawling First-Sunrise-After-Stonehenge-Keystone-
Is-Shadowed, 300 B.C.

All beings, places and events depicted in this work are
fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places
and events past, present or future is purely coincidental.

WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are
dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals
familiar with the action in question.

NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark
are called stars. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In
no way should this be construed as a sign that there is,
beneath such an explosion, any form of saviour. Should such a
misconstrual happen, the author will not be held responsible
for the avalanche of arrogance, zeal, bigotry, humanocentricity
and other vile acts which will surely follow the residents of
the planet into time eternal until someone sees fit to erase
the denizens of the world and let the author start over.

DSBN 0-000000-0000-1

Suggested retail: 1 sheep.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into his fathers business.

2. He lived at home until the age of

33.

3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He never held a steady job.

3. His last request was a drink.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.

2. He was always in trouble with the law.

3. His mother wasnt married to his father.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hand.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He worked in the building trades.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everybody brother.

2. He had no permanent address.

3. Nobody would hire him.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot.

3. He invented a new religion.

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said, “I enjoyed time with my wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said, “I enjoyed time with my mistress, because of the passion and mystery I found there.”

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" they questioned.

The Engineer said, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Youve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sisters honor.

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job–primer red and primer gray.

The tobacco chewers in your family arent just men.

Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag doorprize is given out. One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush.

What the hell is this? he asks the pastor.

Why, its a toilet brush.

Ooh, I see, says Josi. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josi how the brush is working.

Well, its okay, but I think Ill go back to using paper.

El día de recreo en el convento, todas la monjitas se peleaban. En eso la madre superiora pregunta:

¿Qué es lo que está pasando?

Las monjitas responden que una de ellas no le prestaba la bicicleta a las demás. La madre superiora, enojada por lo que sucedía dice:

¡No se peleen más, porque si no le pongo el asiento!