Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, I hate playing with your Dad.
If Anita Bryant married Moby Dick… her name would be?
Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A. They have shaky hands!
The Scot told his wife, Be sure now to take off your new eye glasses if youre not looking at anything.
All targets met;
All systems working;
All customers satisfied;
All staff eager and enthusiastic;
All pigs fed and ready to fly.
Top 20 Sayings Wed Like To See On Those Office Inspirational Posters:
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably havent completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you dont succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time so you dont have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Q: What do you get when you cross a sherpa and a mountain goat?
A: Nothing. you cant cross two scalars.
We had a couple over to dinner the other night and the woman was complaining about her male boss. Mrs JimJr, trying to console her, said simply, When it comes to women, all men become idiots, when theyre the boss.
I piped up and said, Hey, now wait just minute there, I was a boss.
Tilting her head in my direction, Mrs JimJr said to the lady, See???
58 Actual Newspaper Headlines
(collected by journalists)
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Womans Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
Prudes and Virgins Digest, v.1 #6 (NOT13) Mon Dec 5 15:12:04 PST 1988
WARNING: This digest may contain material not suitable for
Readers Digest. Do not read if you find this type of
material offensive.
Contributions: pvdigest@ernie.Berkeley.EDU
Comments: nj@ernie.Berkeley.EDU
Mailing List requests: pvdigest-request@ernie.Berkeley.EDU
The Prudes and Virgins Digest is freely redistributable.
— nj
Date: Thu, 1 Dec 88 11:15:22 PST
Author: Reginald
Topic: Interesting positions I have discovered
Contact: reg3
Good evening.
Recently, whilst engaged in–well, lets be perfectly frank,
this is an open forum after all–intercourse with my wife, i
discovered an amazing new position, in which the female partner
occupies what might be called the dominant or top position, rather
than the more proper bottom position. We were curious as to whether
anyone else has tried this revolutionary concept. Were rather afraid
to admit it in public, since I think it falls outside of the bounds of
general decency and propriety…but, as the common people say, life is
too short not to live it up a little, eh what?
Reginald
Date: Thu, 1 Dec 88 21:43:05 PST
Author: Jonathan
Topic: A question
Contact: jonp
Ive been thinking about…er…well, you know, and…um…I was just
wondering if…if…you know…has anyone ever had any experience doing…
I mean does anyone know any good techniques for…oh never mind.
Date: Fri, 2 Dec 88 10:02:33 PST
Author: GERTRUDE
Topic: KISSING
Contact: gert5
DEAR PRUDES AND VIRGINS DIGEST.
MY BOYFRIEND KEEPS TELLING ME IT IS OKAY TO KISS EACH OTHER ON THE LIPS AND
NOT KEEP OUR LIPS PUCKERED SECURELY. IS THIS NORMAL?
GERTRUDE
Date: Fri, 2 Dec 88 11:15:56 PST
Author: Robert
Topic: confessions…
Contact: robertw
ive never told anyone else about this before, but i thought
you all might like to hear about it. it all started one night when i
was studying for a physics test all alone in a classroom and this girl
walked in and sat down and started studying. i couldnt help but
notice her most prominent features. i had a hard time concentrating
on my textbook. all i could think about was introducing myself to
her. i imagined myself walking up to her–actually walking up to a
real woman–and GREETING her. i reached down and started idly playing
with my calculator as i fantasized. i thought of asking her out for
frozen yogurt. i thought of accidentally brushing against her round,
soft hands. i couldnt stand it. i had to do it. but then she got
up and left.
Date: Fri, 2 Dec 88 16:49:23 PST
Author: Samuel
Topic: What turns you on?
Contact: samt
Hey I dont know about all you guys but I get really aroused whenever a girl
says, Have a nice day to me. Is this weird? Should I go see a shrink?
The short women in Willow really turn me on to.
Date: Sat, 3 Dec 88 15:35:01 PST
Author: Linda
Topic: hi
Contact: lindal
um hi im new to this sex thing but the guy im with keeps telling me
its ok im not supposed to enjoy it as much as he does,,,is that right?
and what does he mean when he tells his friends she dont care ive
only got three inches? thankyou
Date: Fri, 2 Dec 88 13:22:42 PST
Author: Melville
Topic: Hot digitized pix!
Contact: mel2
Hey dudes, I got lots of ]<OOL digitized pictures. Theyre all very
–>REVEALING<– if you know what i mean *wink*. Ive got Betty White
in a low-cut gown, Ive got Oprah Winfrey in a miniskirt (and I do
mean MINI!!!) and the best of them all is my pic of LINDA RONSTADT
wearing a BIKINI!!!!! And if THAT dont turn you on you MUST be
weird!!! Write me for more info!!!!!! (I want to TRADE too…Ive
been looking for a good Shirley Jones for MILLENNIAS!!!!)
Date: Sat, 3 Dec 88 17:12:29 PST
Author: Patrick
Topic: Bondage
Contact: rickb
Hello–
Does anyone know anything about bondage? Is it like, male bonding?
Thanks.
Patrick
Date: Sat, 3 Dec 88 18:22:03 PST
Author: Elizabeth
Topic: Nightwear
Contact: lizb
Dear Prudes and Virgins Digest,
This is ever so awkward, but i was wondering what your readers would
consider to be…ummm….attractive… in the way of nightwear. Do the
readers prefer cotton, flannel or rayon full length nightgowns? Is there
a tendency towards prints or solids? Fitted or roomy?
This is truly a burning question on my mind, as just the other evening as
my husband Percy and I were each reading various excerpts from Better Homes
and Gardens Do-It Yourself Guide to Home Remodeling and Percy commented
that perhaps to lend excitement to our marriage in much the same way our
new storm windows add pizazz to our living room I should invest in some new
nightwear. I hope your readers can assist me in my shopping endeavors.
Elizabeth
Date: Sat, 3 Dec 88 20:49:13 PST
Author: J. Jacob
Topic: Re: Oral Majority
Contact: jjc
Thats DISGUSTING! You are SICK SICK SICK!!! To think that they even LET
people like you in…why, why Ill bet you even vote DEMOCRAT!!!! Brother
Falwell should kick ALL of you commie bastards out!!!!!!!
Date: Sat, 3 Dec 88 23:13:52 PST
Author: Hanna
Topic: Wild fantasies
Contact: hrb
Dear P and V Digest
Just the other day I engaged in the most unbelievable
fantasy :^). I needed to study for my Chaucer exam and
ducked into what Id hoped to be an unused classroom.
Well, this was the furthest from the truth. There was a
young man in this room, but I was feeling a bit, shall we
say devil-may-care, and i brought my books in and sat in a desk
about two or three rows over from the young man. He was
quite attractive, what with his neatly manicured hands and
crisply shaved sideburns, and his shirt was neatly pressed
as well. I very much wanted him to approach me, and to
offer me a refreshment of some sort. We could discuss
literature or this seasons choice of music here with the
University Symphony or perhaps the social happening next week
at the Christian Center. My thoughts ranged even further into
the future, about how, if we were married, we could have wild,
frenzied family picnics.
His shoes were neatly buffed, and he was reading what appeared
to be some scientific manual or text, and he must have
been an intelligent and well-mannered young man, and he would
been an excellent conversationalist, and, well, just thinking
of him talking to me got me so….ruffled…. i just had to
go get a lemonade from the Cafeteria and I left quickly
even before I could review my most recent notes.
Hanna [[ last name
withheld–nj ]]
PS–Please assign an alias and a mailbox to me; many people
in my school read News and I wouldnt want them to get the wrong
impression of me.
End of Prudes and Virgins Digest