A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but its not legal.
That doesnt matter, replied the blonde, if I only can sell the car.
Okay, said the brunette.
Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car.
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, Did you sell your car? No, replied the blonde, why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.
Una secretaria llega a la oficina con un impresionante abrigo de visón.
Asombrada, su compañera le pregunta que de dónde lo ha sacado.
Pues mira, ayer el jefe me invitó a cenar; después me llevó a su casa; abrió un gran armario lleno de maravillosos abrigos y me dijo: escoge el que quieras, y yo escogà éste.
Ya, bueno, pero ¡tú le habrás tenido que hacer algo! ¿no?
Bueno sÃ, la verdad es que he tenido que sacarle el bajo porque me quedaba un poco corto…
Una tipa entra a un bar. Después de beberse dos cervezas pone veinte pesos en la barra y declara que puede mear más alto que cualquier hombre. Rápidamente dos tipos aceptan la apuesta.
Yo primero, dice la mujer.
Se quita la falda y los panties; se acuesta en el suelo levantando las piernas y empieza a mear haciendo mucha fuerza. El chorro llega como a diez pulgadas de altura del piso.
Esto va a ser como quitarle un dulce a un niño, se mofa uno de los apostadores comenzando a bajarse el zÃper del pantalón.
Muy bien, pero recuerden una cosa: sin usar las manos, puntualiza la mujer.
A college student is home for the summer from college, and is looking for ajob. He goes to K-Mart, and fills out an application. A few days later, themanager calls him and asks him to come in for an interview, which the studentdoes. When the student arrives, the manager sits him down and says Well sondo you think you have what it takes to work at The Big K? The studentthinks to himself, is this guy fucking nuts?, but nods his head and saysyes. The manager says ok, and tells the student he must get a lesson first onhow to deal with customers. They go to a cash register, and the managertells the student to watch him and learn what to do. The student agrees andafter a few minutes a customer comes to the counter, and throws down a bag ofGrass Seeds. The manager looks at the bag, and says Say, would you like alawnmower to cut that grass when it grows? The customer thinks for a secondand says yeah, why the hell not. The manager looks at the student and say Son, do u think u can do that? The student again thinks to himself Isthis guy fucking nuts?, but nods says and says he does. A few minuteslater, another customer comes to the register to get checked out, and the manager tells the student to try it. The student agrees, while the customer throws a pack of tampons up on the counter. The student looks that thetampons and says Sir, would u happen to be interested in buying one of our grasscutters, they are on sale in aisle 8? The customer looks at the student and says Why the hell would I want to buy a grasscutter? Thestudent looks at him and says well I just figured since u wouldnt be getting any pussy this weekend, that u might wanna cut your grass instead!
Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime.
Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the
room spins.
Id explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didnt know what to do with him.
Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked whats wrong? The head nurse replied, We dont know what to do with this baby boy. So the chief surgeon took one look and said, Well its obvious that you should put him into a mental institution. Why, asked the head nurse. Well, replied the chief surgeon, take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts.
How do you describe a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
Its a guy who sits up all night wondering if there is a dog or not.
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar… FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender replies Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you cant make a face while doing it. Second, theres a gator out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, theres a woman up-stairs whos never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her. The guy says, Well, as much as I would love free beer, I wont do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, Wherez zat teeqeelah?
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
Now he says Wheres that woman with the sore tooth?