Old and New Jokes

A man went to a movie theater and was suprised to see that in the seat in front of him sat a man and his dog. The dog was clearly watching the movie with understanding, because he snarled at the villain whenever he spoke, yelped at the funny remarks, and so on. At the end of the movie, the man tapped the dog owners shoulder and says excuse me, but I cant get over your dogs behavior. The owner said I know, me too. After all He hated the book.

A young English woman, Polly Martin, met and fell in love with a Yank during WWII. He was a reporter and battlefield artist attached to the military. His name was Wally Woodword and whenever there was any battlefield action Wally would make quick sketches on the front lines which he would later turn into proper drawings from which he wrote his reports.

Now, Polly and her friend Susan worked for the Ministry of Defense as did many young English women and the department they worked in was one that allowed them to know a lot of interesting information – including the exact date of the Normandy Invasion.

The day before the invasion Polly was telling Susan that she planned to spirit her reporter boyfriend away next day and take him on a picnic out in the country.

But, you cant do that, Susan replied. Why not? Her friend asked.

Polly, Wally doodles all D-Day!

Good Afternnoon, Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?

Yes, well, Im having trouble with WordPerfect.

What sort of trouble?

Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went

away.

Went away?

They disappeared.

Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Its blank; it wont accept anything when I type.

Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

How do I tell?

Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

Whats a sea-prompt?

Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

There isnt any cursor: I told you, it wont accept anything I type.

Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Whats a monitor?

Its the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it

have a little light that tells you when its on?

I dont know.

Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power

cord goes into it. Can you see that?

……Yes, I think so.

Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into

the wall.

……Yes, it is.

When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

No.

Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the

other cable.

……Okay, here it is.

Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back

of your computer.

I cant reach.

Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

No.

Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

Oh, its not because I dont have the right angle-its because its

dark.

Dark?

Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in

from the window.

Well, turn on the office light then.

I cant.

No? Why not?

Because theres a power outage.

A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, weve got it licked now. Do

you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Really? Is it that bad?

Yes, Im afraid it is.

Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

Tell them youre too stupid to own a computer!

Youve ever bought a used cap.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

Youve ever used a weedeater indoors.

Un tipo va por la calle con la cara triste y se encuentra a un colega.

Macho, ¿por qué estás así? ¿te ha pasado algo?

Es que se me ha muerto mi mujer.

¡Joder, qué putada! ¿Y tus hijos?

Muertos también.

¿Y de que murieron?, pregunta acongojado el amigo.

De un empacho.

¿Un empacho de qué?

De setas.

Vaya, ¿y tu suegra, qué tal?

Muerta.

Claro… otro empacho de setas ¿no?

¡Qué va… la maté yo a hostias!, responde colérico el afligido.

¿Pero, por qué?

¡Porque no quiso comerse las putas setas!

Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?

A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it wont follow you around for a week.

He who laughs last thinks slowest

What happens when a man tries to hide his baldness by combing his

hair across his head?

The truth comes shining through.

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” — even when you dont know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just dont tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please dont say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”

A man goes into a police station and the desk sargeant asks him what he
wants.

The man says, Someone has stolen my camel, I went into a bar for one drink
and when I came out it was gone!

Now, sir, I think we have had more than one drink. Why dont you just go
home before you end up in a cell for being drunk and incapable, says the
sargeant.

The man pleads his innocence, Listen, I am not drunk and my camel has
definitely been stolen. Please help me.

Okay, says the policeman. Let me have some details. Give me a desciption
of your camel.

Thank you, the man says. Well, it is a greyish brown colour, its got two
humps, it is a male and it…

Hold on, not so fast. How do you know it is a male of the species? the
sargeant enquired.

Well, the man explained, The other day I was riding it down the High
Street and two men were on the pavement and as I passed them one of the
men turned to his friend and said, Look at the prick on that camel!