Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been
promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after,
theyre out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper,
theres the NCO Club. Lets you and me stop in."
"But wes privates," protests Jasper. "Wes
sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, Im a-gonna sit down and have me
a drink." "But wes privates," says Jasper.
"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at
his stripes. "Wes sergeants now." So they
have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up
to Leroy. "Youre cute," she says, "and
Id like to date you, but Ive got a bad case of gonorrhoea."
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper,
go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means.
If its okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper
goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the
big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in
the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. "Jasper,"
he says, "what fo you give me the okay?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea
affects only the privates." He points to his stripes.
"But wes sergeants now!"
Garth Brooks and Billy Ray Cyrus are captured by terrorists.
They are brought up in front of a firing line. The head terrorist asks Billy Ray Cyrus for any last requests. To which Billy replies Well, I sure would like to sing _Achy Breaky Heart_ jus one more time!
The head terrorist says fair enough.
The head terrorist then asks Garth Brooks the same question. And Garth answers shot me first!
En una entrevista a un viejo lobo de mar:
Capitán, de sus muchas aventuras por el mundo, ¿cuál recuerda como la más terrible?
¡Hombre! Fue en 1977, tras un largo viaje por los mares de China y Japón. Aquella vez, al regresar a mi casa, se me ocurrió botar las cenizas de mi cigarrillo en el piso que acababa de fregar mi mujer, y… ¡para qué contarle!
Three women are about to be executed. Ones a brunette, ones a redhead, and ones a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready!…Aim!! …
Suddenly the brunette yells, EARTHQUAKE!!! Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, Ready! … Aim!!…
Suddenly the redhead yells, TORNADO!!! Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! … Aim!! …
…and the blonde yells, FIRE!!!
Whiteheads Law: The obvious answer is always overlooked.
What is wrong with Polish snow tires?
They melt.
There was a little red man who lived in a little red house on a little red
street in a little red town. Now this little red man wanted to take a
little red shower so he put his little red towel on the little red towel
rack. Just as he was about to get in, the little red doorbell rang.
So he put his little red towel around his little red waist and went to the
little red door. He opened the little red door and there stood a woman.
Just then a big gust of wind came and blew the little red towel away. The
woman screamed, ran accross the road and got hit by a car.
The moral of the story?
Never run accross the road when the little red man is flashing.
REDMOND, WASHINGTON — In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the Cool User Program for Windows 95. To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date.
We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95, explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include the OJ Simpson trial ending, another momentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human evolution.
Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will be needed for the storage facility. We have chosen the state of Utah, stated Microsoft,because nobody lives there, anyway. Spokespeople for Novell and Wordperfect were reached for comment on this remark, but their words were not suitable for publication.
IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching Microsofts Cool User program. Freeze people? What for? Warp has already been shipping for months, said a source who asked not to be identified.
Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsofts plan as a bold, innovative move. In columnist Michael S. Browns opinion column M.S. Brown Knows which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims, IBM has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users clearly want to be frozen in liquid Nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an indeterminate period of time. Michael S. Brown made national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if Windows NT didnt completely replace DOS in six months he would chain himself to grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that I didnt say *which* six months.
The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995, but users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of US$3,000.
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street when the brunette says, “Look, a dead bird!” So the blonde looks up!
It was the first day of 3rd grade, and a new school for Bubba.
As a test, the teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.
Some did very well, counting as high as 30 and 40, with just a few mistakes. Others couldnt get past 20.
Bubba, however, did extremely well. He counted past 50, right up to 83.
He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, Thats because you are from Georgia, son.
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet.
Most made it about half way through without much trouble. Some made it to M and N, but Bubba rattled off the alphabet right to W.
That evening, Bubba once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, Son, thats because you are from Georgia.
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.
Bubba noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly well endowed. This confused him.
That night he told his dad, Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because Im from Georgia?
No, son, explained his Dad, Thats because youre 18.