Old and New Jokes

JIFFY CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269

Dear Sir,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your recent application
to model and represent our product, Jiffy Condoms.

Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our
Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product does not portray
a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy wrinkled condom is
not considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to firm it up using Poly-Grip, but even
then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like
to note however, that we have never seen a penis that looked like a bicycle
grip until now.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will
retain your application for future consideration, if by the chance we decide
that there is a market for Micro-Mini Condoms.

We send greetings and our deepest sympathy to your wife and/or
girlfriend.

Very Truly Yours,

Burly Dick, President
Jiffy Condom Company

BD/pee

A fish hit its head on a cement wall.
"Dam."

Both Clinton and the Pope die, but there is a mix up. Clinton went to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to process the paperwork and make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.

Clinton: No problem.

Pope: Im really excited about going to heaven.

Clinton: Whys that?

Pope: All my life Ive wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

Clinton: Youre a day late.

Manolo y Paco se hacen narcotraficantes. En el primer intento de pasar mercadería al país vecino, son descubiertos por la guardia fronteriza. A Manolo lo hieren de un balazo en una pierna y lo detienen. Paco, con mejor suerte, logra huir. Un mes después Paco va a visitar a Manolo, quien le dice:

Paco, hazme un favor. La herida en la pierna se me ha infectado y aquí en la cárcel me la van a cortar. Quiero que recojas esa pierna y la lleves a enterrar a nuestro pueblo.

Por supuesto.

A la semana siguiente, Paco retira la pierna extirpada, la lleva a su terruño y procede muy compungido a su entierro. Vuelve al país vecino a visitar a Manolo y éste le dice:

Paco, el maldito virus de la herida se ha extendido. Es menester que me corten la otra pierna. ¿No harías lo mismo que hiciste con la anterior?

Casi llorando, Paco acepta. A los pocos idas va a la enfermería, le entregan la pierna de Manolo y cumple la misma ceremonia de enterrarla en su terruño. Un mes después va a visitar a Manolo a la cárcel y escucha esto:

Mira Paco, esta endemoniada infección no quiere detenerse. Se me ha extendido al brazo derecho y me lo van a cortar; yo te pido que…

Paco lo interrumpe muy sonriente y acercándosele para hablarle en secreto le dice: ¡Qué hábil que eres Manolo… ¡Ya me he dado cuenta, ¡¿te estás fugando de a poco, eh?!

Q: What gives milk and has one horn?



A: A milk truck!

One day little john came home with an F on his math test his dad asks

How did you get an F on the math test little john replies The teacher asked what is 2 times three and i answered 6 the dad says uh hun then little john said The teacher asked what 3 times 2 was the father says whatthe fuck is the difference and little john says thats what i said.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

Success is the active process of making your dreams real and inspiring others to dream. – James Anders Honeycutt

If Bill Gates marries Madhuri Dixit;
these could be the caption in Newspapers:

* Bill goes Dhak-Dhak!
* English Babu Desi Mem.
* Brain marries Beauty!?
* Windows ke peechhe kya hai? Windows ke peechhe….!?
Ooo Windows mein Bill hai mera…
* The next version of Windows will be Windows MD.
* Microsoft Mouse V/S Madhuri – the cat.
* Relax guys! theyll only go for a virtual honeymoon.
* Bill to count his millions & billions in EK, DO, TEEN..
* Gate for Bill, Windows for M.F.Hussain
* Mera Bill ghar aaya O Hussainji, Mera…
* Mera bill bhee kitna pagal hai…
* Bill Will, Gates Wates… Main kya jaanu re… !

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

Ive just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure! the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, Bring him in. Well check it out.

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. You were right about the mummys age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?

Simple…there was a piece of paper in his hand that said –

put me down for 10,000 Shekels on Goliath.